The Right Love

Today I am thankful for the right love....

 but hurting that it is the wrong time. 

I'm in a lot of pain.  I've been this way for years.  

I always wondered if there was anyone out there for me.  

I thought that if I met someone who I really like being around, who was beautiful to me, who had a lot in common with me, who challenged me, whom I love, who loved me and found me beautiful, too... 

I would find heaven.  

It's not what happened.  

I found an angel while knee deep in hell.  

I found such a man and I thought he didn't care for me.  

I felt I was lucky to count him among my friends.  

When I learned that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me, it turned my world upside down.  

I'm beating myself up for being so blind.  

Every weekend, I sit up in my room alone and sob until 3:00 a.m. or so.  

On Fridays, I'll do little rituals to the Gods and Goddesses love.  

The past three weeks, I've asked Isis and Osiris to bring my friend exactly what he needs.  

Then, I'll go to Facebook where he'll post something painful about how the Gods don't want him to find love. 

I believe they want everyone to find love.  They are not excluding him.  

I believe they brought him to me because he is exactly what I asked for.  

He is everything that I find beautiful in a man; blue eyes, intellect, honest, open, Scottish, likes Irish women, Libertarian, he's not too tall, not too short, kind-hearted, likes science fiction (like me), nerdy, dirty-minded, fun, witty....

His voice is so warm and sweet...

The only issue I have with him is that he doesn't see how truly wonderful he is when 

he is himself.  

I just didn't know he loved me.  

Everyone else sees it.  

My political advisers saw it.  

My ex saw it.  

Another man who wanted to date me saw it.  He's now offering me love advice so I don't let someone who can tolerate my politics get away.  Isn't that cute?  

Another friend saw it and is actually being a bit of a jerk about it.  I turned him down for sex three years ago; days before he met the love of his life. Yeah, I rejected him and he's never been nice about it.  He's always picking on me.  But, now, he's treating me like I'm leading my friend on.  I'm not.  

I didn't know what my friend wanted.  Now that I know, I can't get him to talk to me in person to deal with it.  

Maybe we should...have the...what do you want talk.  

Wanna a fling?  

Wanna be friends?

Wanna wait and see?

Want me to run off? 

Wanna wait until the papers get signed and I can hypnotize you to go out and play with the others until that's done?  

He needs to know what he's up against, too.  We have to avoid the north-west side of town because I have a crazy stalker chick and her fiance.  Do I stop driving the car with the GPS shit on it?  Do I park five blocks away from his residence if I visit?  Do I chuck my cell phone?  Do we hang out in donut shops so the cops are always nearby?  

Do we not care?  Do we put on a show?  I'm at a loss!   

Yeah, the stalking is weird, too.  The cops are so sure my ex is behind the stalking that they won't take his report.  Sigh....the stalking crap is confusing me.  

I'm in pain.  

I didn't know that my friend loved me.  

How did I miss it?  

I didn't think he cared.  So...I did something stupid.  I kinda overstayed my welcome with an ex because he threatened to kill himself.  My ex thought that meant we could reconcile someday.  It doesn't.  He's done crap to force me to stay until it gets sorted out.  

This is where I am stuck.  The lawyers say that I have to stay at least until March 15.  I can't file for a legal divorce until that day.

I can't put a man on a shelf.  I don't know what to do.  The lawyers say not to move out to my own place until I get a decree from the court giving me that permission.

I don't know how to do this in a way that isn't...weird.

So....I don't know how to be with my friend right now.  That makes me sob harder.  

I hate the weekends.

They are lonely.  I hide in my bedroom to avoid my ex.  He lives in the basement.

He wants to keep the house.  He wants me to play housekeeper.

I'm lonely.  

The pain of being alone hurts me at the very core.  

I've slept alone for years.  It's hurt more and more with each passing day. 

Now, the pain of knowing that someone I love is also feeling very alone doubles my grief.  

If I had known he loved me, I could've left this mess before I got ankle deep into it.  

I can still leave, it'll just take a little planning.  

I want to tell my friend what is going on

-but- 

I'm terrified that he'll want to fix it.  

I can fix it.  I'll take his advice.  I just don't want to burden him. 

He's a fixer.  

No drama.  I want his memories of being with me to be about fun stuff....not drama.  

If my stalker is following me when I'm with him, I want that person to get an eyeful.  

My friend can kiss my happy stuff and the stalker can kiss my behind.  

It's ultra creepy now because my ex will hear me sobbing and tell me to go to my friend.  

I can't.  

Maybe there is someone better and more available for him.  

I'm off to cry in bed...by myself...

I wish I could be with my friend.  

Love, 

S.