Lessons About Respect

Today I am thankful that I realized why dysfunctional people bother me so darn much: They feel entitled to respect despite their disrespectful behavior towards others.

By dysfunctional, I mean people with cluster B personality disorders. 


By Cluster B, I mean people who present with no empathy - these are the histrionics, the narcissists, the antisocials, and the borderlines. 

A few months ago, I wrote that the hallmark of  most Cluster B personality disorders is the demand for respect yet the refusal to reciprocate.  In other words, they expect respect but they refuse to show it.  They have a tremendous sense of entitlement, they deserve your respect, your time and your attention yet they feel no need to respect your time or your energy.  If YOU do not give them the respect they feel they deserve, if you do NOT cave to their demand for respect, they often will punish you in some way. 

These are people like Shannon, people who expect you to make elaborate feasts for them but not partake in it.  Yeah....she used to expect me to throw parties but would expect me to leave so she could claim to be the host.  If I refused to leave, she'd lie to one of the guests about me and cause a scene. 

These are people like Steve, who send countless emails demanding respect but run to Facebook lying about you.  Heaven help you if you are a therapist and you make a post about domestic violence in hopes of saving one of your Facebook friends.  He demanded that I remove it.  When I refused to comply, he'd do his best to humiliate me in public. 

Yeah...he demanded that I take it down and submit an apology for posting it.  He did this while running to Facebook claiming that I abused him because I feared losing the relationship. I suspect that was projection on his part.  

I broke up with him.  I don't like rules that only apply to one party.  Real respect goes both ways. 

Long story short, my friend left her abusive boyfriend.  I only found out that he beat her because I invited her to the movies.  He didn't like it and hit her.

Two weeks later, a nephew of one of my high school friends murdered his girlfriend before turning the gun on himself. 

I actually regret not posting about domestic violence more.  Maybe a young couple could have been saved.  They are why I continue to post about personality disorders.  My friend said that her nephew exhibited paranoia right before he died.  People with Borderline Personality Disorder can become delusional and fall into deep states of paranoia when they are under incredible stress.


*****

I've always done my best to be respectful of the feelings of others.  I never slammed the door on Shannon when I caught her breaking into the house.  I never told her mother to shut up when she would stand in front of her family lying about me.  Her mother once told a gay man that I was a homophobe; he became very loud and violent about it at a party.  I had to tell him about my roommate dying of Kaposi's Sarcoma.  It broke my heart to retell that story.  The man left in tears. 

These people are troublemakers.  They are drama kings and queens.  They will do and say just about anything to get a little thrill and to take control of a situation. 

Not only do lack the ability to respect most people, they also are lacking in appreciation. 

I always paid the bill when Shannon went places with me (outside of her stalking me, that is).  I paid the bill when she took stuff from the saddle shop I worked at.   

I used to play the role of chauffer for Steve because he had lost his license due to numerous DUI convictions.  I'd pick up the check at least 50% of the time.  I gave him $100 for food at the Phish concert.  I'd even help clean his apartment.  One of his last emails to me read "you never even lifted a finger to help me, not even ONE!"  I think I lifted ten to drive him and pump the gas.  I probably used four to hold the broom and five to hold the dustbin.  I wonder how many I had to use to go to the bank, get $100, put it in my wallet so that I could hand it to him?

At this point, I became tired.  It's hard to want to help someone who doesn't appreciate it.  Steve may have an excuse.  Recently, a researchers found that people with Borderline Personality Disorder have difficulty recognizing a gift.  Their brains register the experience of giving to others but it tends to forget receiving.  


*****


I have gone out of my way to respect people who don't appear to have a shred of respect for others. 


I never called the police when it was obvious I could have. 

I've never pressed charges. 

I never got a restraining order despite all of the harassment.  When I get rude comments on my YouTube channels, I just ignore them.  When someone makes fake channels with my name, I just flag them silently.
When Steve threatened me with a lawsuit, I just started sending the threatening emails to my lawyer.  He has a file.  I did this quietly as to not rock the boat. 

I don't get angry. 

I do my best to be respectful. 

Steve used to like to post mean things about me on Facebook but change the comments when I responded.  I guess the intent was to make me look crazy (because he would pronounce me as "crazy" to his Facebook friends).  I never got mad.  I just let him play the game. 

The last day I visited his sister, she stood over me holding her wine glass in a disapproving fashion.  I must have looked sad for her because Steve's daughter pointed out how sad I looked.  Yeah....I had just overheard Steve tell her husband that I "binge ate when [he] is not around."  At that moment, I realized that he was probably telling them stories about me.  At that moment, I contemplated getting away from him.  His behavior only escalated from that point.  The more I overlooked, the meaner he seemed to get. 


Maybe being respectful to jerks is perceived as an invitation to further harassment? 


There is no  need to be disrespectful.  Is there? 

I figured that the best way to deal with these kinds of people is to kill them with kindness and respectfully ignore them.  You get away from them and end the relationship. 

Maybe that is not enough.

*****
Shannon's message that she has terminal cancer is dubious.    I wonder what she wants.  I wonder why I had to get the message. 


She was told not to have contact with me.  If she contacts my ex-husband.  I do not want to know about it. 


That message seemed to be a means of telling me that I am in their sights again.

This scares me because I don't know the intent of the message.

Is she trying to get me to let my guard down? 

Does she want money?  Help?

I am not in a position of doing these things for her. 

I don't believe her.  She's a narcissist.  She always has some crisis when she wants something.

How does one respectfully deal with that? 

I'm thinking......restraining order. 

If she shows up here again, I'm getting a restraining order.  I have more than enough evidence collected to get it. 

******
I used to strive to see the "true colors" and the beauty inherent in each human being.  I believed that everyone is worthy of my time, my attention, and my respect. 

I used to believe that I needed to treat others as I wished to be treated.  I always felt that erratic people, pained people, and angry people needed love and respect more than other people. 

This was my fallacy of thinking. I thought that I had to respect disrespectful people. 

That is part of their game, isn't it? 

They like to humiliate and degrade those of us with class.  

I really have no time for it anymore. 

*****
In sum, if someone you barely know outright says that you owe them respect....run. 

Unless he or she is your boss or the POTUS, that person is probably personality disordered. 

Please put yourself first.  Allow others to put themselves first, too. The world would be a much better place if people could take responsibility for their own behavior and needs. 


I guess I should take heart, I KNOW a lot of people.  Only a handful of them make me sick to my stomach, only a handful of them are disrespectful, only a handful of them are jerks. 

Perhaps I should simply focus my energy on respecting those people and ignoring the asshats. 


I think I've done enough reflecting on Steve and Shannon.  I think I've justified to myself why I must stay away from them, no matter what.  I can love people at a distance.  There is no need to put myself in a position to be abused again. 

My time on this planet is limited.  There are too many wonderful people out there that I can spend time with. 




Love ya,

S.