Today I am thankful that my depression and anxiety has lifted.
I had a vitamin deficiency.
I started to take inositol, 730 mg, three times a day. After a week, my depression and anxiety is gone.
I am me again.
I also stopped the birth control pills. I think the pills messed with my sex drive.
I think the hormones from my sad nightmare have died down. I am still in shock from that. I'm glad Steve never knew. I can never tell him; he thinks I have a lot of fuck buddies so he wouldn't believe he had anything to do with it anyway. It'll be my secret. At least someone can be spared the pain.
After two weeks, I almost feel like myself again.
I still cry myself to sleep but at least I can function now. I wake up to cry at 5:00 a.m. every morning. I cry because I am alone. I do not see that changing anytime in the near future.
I need to find away to wiggle out of my ex-husband's control. If I cannot do that, I'm going to have to accept it.
I do miss having a real partner. I don't want a fake man that engages in pointless ass-hattery. I want someone I can share my deepest sorrows and fondest hopes and dreams with, without fear of having it thrown back in my face when he wants to get something out of me.
Steve's obnoxious behavior made the stalking feel.....somewhat....tolerable. It's not livable but the stalking doesn't have the same sting as verbal/emotional abuse.
*****
I have realized more about the stalking.
I need a safety plan.
I can't leave until I get that accomplished.
I may try to take out a home equity loan to get the house ready to sell.
The finances are the problem. There were games played the six years prior to my divorce. The bulk of our retirement went missing. I wound up having to file bankruptcy. Michael said he sat on the paperwork for two years just to keep me with him (that sounds kinda creepy). Money awarded to me continued to go missing after the divorce was final. Those games made it impossible for me to leave.
I'm realizing that I may need to sell the house to pay off the debt.
I will be alone until I can figure this out.
I cannot date.
I cannot see other men until Michael moves out of the house.
Steve taught me that.
My friends tell me that a mature man would help me find a way.
I won't put anyone through that.
I'll figure it out on my own.
Michael has to be the stalker.
I am terrified of his family. I am terrified that they will harm the children. He doesn't care. He doesn't seem to break out in a sweat when I talk about it. How does he know the kids are safe?
The more I talk to him about it, the more I realize that it has to be him.
I did decide to give in until I can figure this out. The man doesn't want sex, so what harm can it do?
I may as well buy myself some time to figure out what is going on. Steve kept me off kilter with his emotional antics, I was so busy trying to figure out how to handle him that I couldn't deal with this situation well.
Now.....now....more of my energies can go to solve this crisis since I don't have to deal with immature behavior from a wanna-be significant other.
Steve was playing me.....it is obvious in hindsight. I feel like a complete and utter fool.
I am allowing Michael to go anywhere I go....except work. I got a temporary job where I am surrounded by cops.
No ONE is going to stalk me at this job.....no one.
My last day on the job is next Tuesday.
I realize that as long as I let my ex-husband accompany me everywhere, there is no stalking.
He goes where I go.
I know about it.
It's less creepy that way.
I'm still lonely.....
but at least I'm not shaking in terror.
*****
For all the posts I've been making about domestic violence,
For the one friend who escaped a battering relationship last month....
I know someone who was just killed in a domestic violence murder-suicide over the weekend.
I don't know how to feel.
I feel numb.
I don't feel as down as I used to feel when people died.
I'm not sure this is normal.
I don't know.
It does hurt.
What can we do to prevent these things?
Steve wanted me to stop posting about domestic violence.
Why?
It helped my political activist friends. Yes, the sheriff I wrote about last year is under fire because someone vying for his seat has been accused of domestic violence. He had a police department in a neighboring municipality investigate the claims. Those posts....those posts....helped my politically activist friends understand how the politician was thinking when he called himself a victim. Most abusers justify their behavior and don't like being called out on it. His behavior is textbook abuser behavior. Those posts helped point that out.
Those posts helped a friend.
Who is Steve to tell me to silence my voice?
I cannot let my voice be silenced.
Don't let anyone silence your voice.....ever.
You never know who is fighting the same battles you are.
You never know who you will inspire just by being strong.
Love ya,
S.