Long Drives

Today I am thankful for long drives.

I had to complete a ritual. 

Though his mind is not for rent 
Don't put him down as arrogant 
His reserve, a quiet defense 
Riding out the day's events 
The river 

I drove out to my favorite ritual site where I like to pray.  A homeless family is now living near my ritual site by a river where I grew up.

They spoke Spanish.

Mi espanol es muy malo.

I didn't know how to ask if they wanted anything to eat.

My first decision of the day is to brush up on my Spanish.

What you say about his company 
Is what you say about society 
Catch the mist, catch the myth 
Catch the mystery, catch the drift 

From there, I went to a farmer's market.  I bought some homemade  kombucha.  I have several gallons brewing at home.  I just am tired of the same flavor.  I typically flavor it with pineapple.  Subconsciously that betrays that I miss a certain intimate activity. 

I'm too old for that. 

The homeless are less hidden now in my hometown.  That's good.

They were huddled in groups. I wasn't sure I should disturb them.

I went back home.

The world is, the world is 
Love and life are deep 
Maybe as his skies are wide 

On the long drive I wondered what I was supposed to do about the problems in our city.....

should I run for office....

should I volunteer....

Listening to Rush, I had an epiphany.

Governments demand taxes.

They promise to use that money to help the poor.

In the nineties we actually passed a tax hike in Denver.  We were promised that the funding would help the homeless.

I don't know where the money went -but- it didn't go where they promised it would go.

In 2008 when the Democratic convention was in town,

Denver helped the homeless by getting them clean clothes, haircuts and hiding them in an office building!

Yeah.....that's helped (sarcasm).

The money tends to get stuck in the hands of commissions and middle men that don't really do anything except make decisions that glorify government.

I thought harder....politicians....they also make decisions that either glorify government or themselves.

That's probably why politics leaves a sour taste my mouth.

Today's Tom Sawyer 
He gets high on you 
In the space he invades 
He gets by on you 

What is the intention of running?

Last time I ran to create awareness of an issue, to support a sexual assault victim falsely arrested because she said the word "cunt" in front of a police officer (seriously....yeah, I know....) and on a more primal level to make the bullies at the muni building leave me alone.

They do. 

They laugh at me. 

My own councilman mocks me. 

That's okay. 

I smile and realize that I'm a better person. 

As long as they're not trying to arrest me for something I didn't do or steal any more money from me...

we're good.

I thought long and hard about my motivations.

I'm an introvert and a therapist.

I tend to have incredible life changing one on one conversations with people.

Those don't tend to happen much in a group setting.

I have to find a real way to create change.

Running for office probably won't do any real good, even if I win.  I'll just become part of the problem.

Though his mind is not for rent 
To any god or government 
Always hopeful, yet discontent 
He knows changes aren't permanent 
But change is 

Now I remember what started this line of thinking.

I drove by a politician's campaign headquarters around 60th and Wadsworth.

He had a huge sign that said Vote for Change.

I'm going to give a little unsolicited advice to politicians.

People are terrified of change.

The word scares them. 

NEVER ever say "Change"........say prosperity......say freedom......say [insert value here].

Never say change.....ever. 

You'll lose. 

That's a very expensive lesson courtesy of your neighborhood hypnotist who once owned several domains with the word "change" in them. 

I never closed a deal on those websites.

It took me over a decade to realize why.

People are afraid of change.

And what you say about his company 
Is what you say about society 
Catch the witness, catch the wit 
Catch the spirit, catch the spit 

The young lady staying here is a joy. 

She's beautiful but she does things to destroy her beauty.

She uses 99 cent shampoo and hairbrushes with little balls on the end that tear hair apart.

She has curly hair just like me.  I should gift her some sulfate/silicone free shampoo and conditioner.

She does what I do....

She dyes her hair dark.

She's hiding herself.

She does little things that bug me. 

They're tiny things.  She'll hide food and dishes.  I get the sense food was hard to come by at her house.

She spent a week with her family and came home and hid her room for a few days. She'd only come out after we all went to sleep. 

It broke my heart. 

I don't know....there are things I see that I cannot help with.

I had an eating disorder as a kid.  I hated to eat.  Turns out, I'm allergic to everything I used to eat (peanuts, soy, wheat, milk, bananas...my favorite things on the planet).

She's doing the same kind of things.

I see evidence of other things, too.

At her age, it's easier for her to start off her life not being a slave to anxious habits.

I've spoken to her about finding someone to talk to.

She says she will.

I don't know. 

Her father isn't really helping matters.  He told her that if she didn't move back home immediately, he'd gut her bedroom.

I have a paid LinkedIn account.  I saw someone with his name looked me up in the past 24 hours.  He was promptly blocked.

He can't use me as a go-between.  He needs to treat his daughter with respect.

I imagine in my mind, him holding her for the first time.  I'm sure he wanted her.  I'm sure he loved her.  Right now, he needs to show her.

Threatening her is only going to backfire.

But what do I know.....he thinks I'm a man-hating lesbian.

I'm no such thing - I'm just a curmudgeonly prude person.

The world is, the world is 
Love and life are deep 
Maybe as his eyes are wide 

The other thing I realized on my long drive is how I became asexual. 

I know now why I push love away.

It has to do with my ex tearing my dress off and releasing on my leg.  He then proceeded to run away and (without washing his hands, no less) ate the family potato chips straight out of the container.

I remember....at that moment....making a decision.

That decision was that I was undesirable.

I also made the decision to stay away from men.  If I care for someone, I'll help him find a more suitable partner.

Weird, eh?

The area I had to wash....well, I have a scar there.  It became a huge welt.  I just wanted to scratch it off.  It made me so uncomfortable. 

I wore pant suits nearly every day since.

I donated that dress today and bought a similar dress (with brand new matching shoes).  I paid $2.14 for the set.

Yeah....I know where to shop. 

Exit the warrior 
Today's Tom Sawyer 
He gets high on you 
And the energy you trade 
He gets right on to the friction of the day

Yes, I am still having strange dreams.

I'm thinking I'm going to keep my last remaining bass by my bedside, so I can play the song I'm so used to singing when I wake up saying a certain name. 

I'm learning the bass line.  I never tried to play it before.  It's easy.

If my kids see my bass, I'll never get it back.  They've taken my synthesizer and pastels hostage. 

They're little artists just like me. 

In the past, I'd constantly dream of walking in the corridors of my mind, being led to a door.  Upon opening it I'd see an old friend.

Last night, the dream was different.  I was in a dark room and a door opened.  It was this friend.

My dream analyst claims it means he's worried about me.

No....I don't think so. 

Our dreams betray facets of ourselves rather than any type of psycho-psychic connection.

I think I'm living in a dark room and memories of friendship bring me joy. 

Sigh....

I think the lesson now is to check my motivations and understand why exactly I do what I do.

This will help me know the next best step to take.

If I stay busy, the dreams will hold little sway over my emotions.

It's funny, though, my eyes always tear up.

It must be a subconscious reaction.

Life is short....do what makes you happy!

Love ya lots,

S.