Dreams of an Old Friend (w/ edit)

Today I am thankful for.....

the ability to remember my dreams.

I'm sitting in bed stunned at my dreams.

It's Saturday morning. 

I did my ritual to Aphrodite and forgot to blow out the candles.  They're still burning. 

******

I'm preparing to take a neighborhood kid out to the county fair.  Her father is doing what Mike did to our family after the divorce. 

He claimed to be jobless and moved in with his ex wife.  The child's mother lives with her kids in her parents' home. 

The grandfather told me that his former son-in-law has been promising to move out and never does.

There is a lot of fighting.

I'm going to try to get the kiddo away from the fighting today. 

I'm nervous about it because I don't like the rides at the county fair. 

I'll go any way.

Promises were made.

A promise IS a promise.

******
There are promises that can seem like a vow.

You don't know that at the time. 

In my youth, I made a promise.

That promise was that I would always be a friend to a certain young man.

I'm not sure that I promised I would always love him.  I love everybody so that promise doesn't seem to mean anything.

Back then, my idea of love wasn't much different than friendship.  So it's an easy promise to keep.

I fell asleep listening to one of my colleagues hypnosis videos.  It was about opening oneself to love.

He made an 8 hour video.

Why in the heck would anyone want that?

I didn't ask.

Some people actually desire to listen to hypnosis for 8 hours.

I gave it a whirl.

I slept pretty well. 

I woke up when I heard him say "rise and shine."

Rise and shine.....

That's what I used to say when I had a male partner, many, many years ago.

The focus was more on the word "shine." 

Lots of things rise in the morning.

I still think we became celibate because I wore the poor man out. 

*****
I reflected on my dreams. 

In these dreams, I met my old friend.  He was on a road trip and staying in various impromptu situations.

He's staying with an acquaintance.  It went sour when he learned she was squatting in an apartment that she didn't own.  The real owner threatened to call the police. 

I grabbed my friend's hand and led him to an easy escape as the sheriff arrived.

At one point in the dream, he's visiting me in an old apartment I used to rent.  We pack up our bags and go on a trip. 

We hopped in an old van that my dad had in my youth.  It was a converted ice cream truck, painted gold. 

We're there.....

Living in this golden van....

traveling about.....

on an adventure....

We're not doing anything R rated. 

It's more PG.

We are basically cleaning up our messes.

Oh, we had a mess. 

******
He left me.  I think it was May 1, 1987.  The more time passes, the more the days run together.

I didn't keep a journal.  I wrote a poem/song a day.

The song written on May 1, reflected a note.

On that day, he handed me a note and said he was leaving me. 

I put the note into a yearbook and didn't read it. 

I learned what he wrote twenty years later.   

To be fair, my step-father just committed suicide.  My grandmother died a few months earlier.  My mother two years earlier.  My grandfather was just diagnosed with cancer.

I was an orphan.

I lived with an uncle whose girlfriend was trying to push me into moving out.  She'd demand money for me to give to my uncle.  She'd get my money but NEVER give it to my uncle. 

It got to the point of violence.  I was looking for an apartment. 

I just put the note aside. 

The day before I learned about a music education scholarship.  I wanted to take it but I didn't want to leave my grandfather alone. 

I vaguely remember telling my friend about the scholarship.  We were on a bus.  I mentioned it.  He got quiet.

I never quite knew the reason for the break-up. 

It didn't matter anymore.  He broke up with me.  His needs were not being met. 

Rumors flew that he was smoking dope with a prettier girl.  I thought that was what he wanted.  I never bothered to find out if the rumors were true. 

I let him go so he could be happy.

That's all I wanted for him. 

******
There were times I'd see him. 

There were times I could feel him nearby. 

I just ignored it. 

Once I felt his presence at a drug/alcohol treatment center.  I pushed the thoughts out of my head. 

My roommate said that this old friend came looking for me a few days later.  He even pointed out a guy with black hair under my window.  Alas, it couldn't be him.  My old friend had blonde hair.

I was eventually convinced that it was him and that he needed something.  I went out to visit him.  He stomped off.

I figured he was happy. 

I left him alone.

Years passed. 

I married the cousin of a friend from high school.  My in-laws lived three blocks away from my old friend. 

It was uncomfortable. 

For years, I'd keep my head buried in my hands when we had to drive down Reed St, especially on Christmas Eve.

It made me uneasy.  I never knew what I would see if I looked up. 

******
My high school reunion was in 2007.  I didn't make it to the class picnic.  It's a long story.  Let's just say that we got lost looking for the venue and my ex-husband became violently angry in the middle of my hometown.

It was so scary, I made him stop the car and the kids and I left.

He's screaming in the middle of the street.

I was embarrassed.

To this day, I don't know who witnessed that. 

I think that is why my friend reached out to me to beg me to think of myself and the kids.

It didn't take very long for him to email me and suggest that we meet for lunch. 

******
For years, I would dream of this guy.  These dreams were not fun.  He'd always break his leg.  I'd dream of car crashes, explosions and all sorts of frightening things.

I'd wake up crying and screaming his name.

There were times when I woke up the whole house.  The dreams were terrifying.

My old friend's name is Tom.

I started to joke about it telling my ex that I was daydreaming about being Getty Lee before breaking out into a horrible rendition of Tom Sawyer.

  "Modern day warrior, mean, mean stride."

The dreams got worse.

My singing got worse.

It became a running joke.  Whenever my ex and I went to a live show, he'd always request that they play Tom Sawyer.

I have to say that song sounds pretty darn good on bagpipes.

Yeah, I heard it everywhere I went.

My ex told me that he was so worried about the dreams that he asked his cousin to get in touch with Tom.

His cousins scare me.  They'd been harassing me for years.

It'll upset me to find out that this was true.

******
The note?

Well, I finally read in in 2006.   My then husband was going through my things.  We had trouble for many years due to harassment I endured from my in-laws.  We slept apart. 

Things from my youth started showing up around the house and I asked where he had found them.  He said he hadn't gone through my things.  He blamed the kids.

On this day, I realized that he was the one going through my things.  He opened the note.  He read it.  He called me into his bedroom and told me that Tom never wanted to leave me.  He left me so I could go to college. 

That was creepy.  It was almost like my ex wanted to be rid of me.  This is what his mother wanted: I was told that they wanted me to have kids and then allow my ex and the kids to move in with her.  I would pay child support and alimony to support them all. 

Yes, it was heartbreaking.  This was right before the stalking became deadly.

I'll never know what the aim of the stalking was or exactly how it went down. 

******
For the next few years, Tom would visit me three times.  It was always for lunch and in a public venue. The meetings never lasted for more than two hours.

I'd give him magical charms hoping to get him happily married off.

All I wanted was his happiness.

I don't know if they worked. 

I hope they worked.

If so, his wife can never learn of my dreams.

I'm going to need to.....like....scrub my subconscious or something.

I used to pray that I would no longer have nightmares about my friend. 

Perhaps there are worse dreams to have. 

******

In the past year, the dreams have become a little more flirtatious.

I'll dream of him inviting me into his home to pick up the stuff from my youth and he'll brush my arm past an erect body part -and-

I'll run off. 

He'll be wrestling with me and end up on top of me and

I'll wiggle away and run off. 

This dream, we are cleaning the back of my dad's van.  Our clothes are wet.  We're cold.  We start to change clothing....

I gently kiss his exposed arm and say "thank you for coming back."

and I wake up.....

freaked out. 

I'm astounded that I didn't run away in this dream.  I always run away.  I run away to call an ambulance, the police, out of fear.

In dreams of this guy.....

I always run away.

I didn't this time.

That's weird.

Maybe the 8 hour hypnosis video worked on some level. 

Maybe I am opening up myself to something. 

******

I don't know.

I have two choices, I can take up a diet of donuts and soda so NO ONE will ever even think of me in that manner

-or-

I can get a third job.  I'm looking at becoming a delivery driver in addition to an insurance agent and hypnotherapist.

I'm never going to get child support.  My ex owed a lot of people money and they're starting to hassle me for it.  I may need the third job.

This can keep me too busy to....you know....

um.....sleep. 

Yeah, I'll be too busy to sleep. 

I guess the biggest defense against misunderstood subconscious desires is too keep yourself too tired and busy to play along.

I'll let you know what I decide to do. 

Darn it....I knew I shouldn't visit my old school chums. 

No good could ever come from that.

All it ever does for me is awaken memories that should probably stay buried.

May you never have a sickly twisted love story like Tom and I.

May you always clarify misunderstandings....

May you always state what is in your heart....

so that you don't spend so many years of your life wondering what the heck happened. 

Love ya lots,


S.

Edit:  It took a few days but I finally realize the meaning of the dreams.

I guess I have a need to express gratitude for my old friend and the journeys that he made to meet with me and remind me that I am someone who is worthy of love, friendship and happiness.

It took me nearly nine years to realize that all of those things I prayed for him, he probably wanted for me, too.

I never told him....

that I appreciated his friendship.

I appreciated his challenging my worldviews even if I disagreed with him.  It turns out that we were both wrong about the origin of schizophrenia (there's new research...it's something about helper t-cells).

He was always the most beautiful man I've ever met and I spent years praying that all the love I had for him would be given to his significant other so he'd get the benefit of those feelings -

(and I had privately hoped it would cause the feelings of loss and the dreams to go away).

All I've ever wanted was his happiness.  When people told me they saw him in public with a woman smiling.  It made me happy.  I literally had a party when I learned he was married.

It broke my heart to learn of his divorce.

When people spread bizarre gossip about him.  It hurt. Luckily, that was a rarity and the gossip always came from my sister (and she wasn't always the most honest person).

I loved his stories (except that missing toe and broken leg story....they make me cry despite the boyish pride he has in his eyes when he tells them).

The best story he told me was about his 40 day motorcycle ride across California.  He packed light.  He only had one pair of spare undies that he washed in the sink.

I love that story. 

He is free.  I can appreciate the joy in being free.  

I hope and pray that everyday is an adventure. 

The dreams are just reminders of the gratitude that I have that this person was in my life at a very pivotal time.

Thank you, again T.  Thank you for coming back and reminding me who I am. 

Love ya,


S.