On a Need to Know Basis

Today I am thankful for choices, even the distasteful ones.  

I am realizing that when I was married to Michael, he kept me on a need to know basis.


I think that is the problem. 


He didn't tell me when he was written up at work and facing a job loss. 


He didn't tell me when he spent over 50% of our retirement accounts. 


He didn't tell me when our credit was being ruined. 


He didn't share the financial documents I needed to complete the bankruptcy.  I couldn't file for a divorce until that process was complete. 


It would seem that those were lies of omission. 


He didn't tell me about problems.  I tended to find out on my own. By the time I found out, things were so bad, it was hard to fix them.  I rarely found out about trouble before I could do damage control.


I am thinking that this is the problem with the stalking.  I think he knew about it.  He freely admits to giving his family information about me that only he was privy to. 


He denies telling his sister where to find me.  He claims that he told his cousin where I was on one occasion.  He denies doing this more than once. 


He denies putting the GPS box on my car. 

He denies knowing about the stalking or telling them anything specific about where I was or what I was doing.


The problem is that his sister and her boyfriend stalked me on several occasions!

I hadn't spoken to them since 1999.  There is no way they knew where I lived, where I worked, what I drove or how I looked.  I had changed my life quite a bit since then.

I want to know how they knew where to find me. 

I want to know how that GPS box got on my vehicle. 


I think Michael is engaging in lies of omission.


*****


The dumbest thing I did was listen to Steve.

I started to minimize the stalking. 

I really did. 


I started to get back out in the public eye. 

I even put a web domain in my name.

That was dumb.


I think....now...if I were to kick my ex-husband out of the house...the stalking would pick up.  He could always claim plausible deniability because my personal information is out in the public eye.


So.....


I have choices....but they are not the choices I originally wanted.


*****

Steve told me that no one believes me.

My friends say that he went to Facebook claiming that I lied about the stalking.  He allegedly wrote that I was a "crazy" "narcissist" who made it all up.   I don't know for sure.  I can't bear to see his writings.  I haven't looked at his page since September 1 (the day he told everyone that I was an emotional abuser for talking for 15 minutes when I was trying to set a boundary about the use of my time and vehicle).  All of Steve's emails go to an archived folder entitled "restraining order".  It has received 41 emails since I set it up on September 12, 2014.  There were 29 from Steve between September 1 and 10th. 

I believe my friends when they say he was writing those things.  Why would they lie to me?



Unless I have made more friends with the name of a former Quarterback from the San Francisco 49'rs, Steve sent them. 

Yes, I do have a hypnotist friend with that name.  I have also met a political activist with that moniker.  They could have sent some of those emails, too.  I doubt it. 

I used Steve's web domains as the sort mechanism. 

The idea that no one believes me has made me consider staying with Michael.  I feel trapped.  The stalking has stopped since I broke up with Steve.  I have had no crazy hang up calls (but then I changed my number), there has not been any property damage, nothing has happened.

I still stay quiet about my work.  I don't go to my office on a regular schedule.  My life is still in chaos.  Maybe....just maybe...if I do what Michael wants the worst will be over.

This was probably the point of the stalking....to keep me with Michael. 

I am seriously considering it. 

This is what Michael wants. 

There is one problem. 


*****

In order to stay with Michael, he has to fess up to his role in the stalking.  He has to help me get a safety plan to help me deal with it -or- he has to move us out of state and away from his family. 

Then he has to stop keeping me on a need to know basis. 

Those things have not really been discussed. 

He claims he has not done anything short of telling his cousin that I was at my office on 1-11-2011. 


But....his sister knew when I was having coffee with the mayor's friend.  She knew when I was having lunch with my high school sweetheart.  She knew when I was having coffee with Steve. 

I've seen her lurking about town. 


How does she know where I am? 


Michael is the only one who knows.  He knows because he's usually with the kids when I am not with them. 

******

I do not know what to do. 


Most of the abuse I have endured from Michael has been emotional (via the stalking and yelling) and financial (making it hard to work and spending my money - especially after the divorce). 

He cries when I try to talk about it.  He seems sincere.  If I press the issue, he'll glare at me.  I know there is some kind of personality disorder at play. 


I don't know.

I have to think about safety. 

Maybe the safest thing is to let the stalker strong arm me. 

*****

The whole situation evokes the same response that I have while voting: I feel like I had to choose between the lesser of two evils. 

It's like they say 'better the devil you know than the one you don't.'

I guess I could thank Steve for wasting my time.  He showed me that there are worse abusers out there.  That experience made me realize that, perhaps, the only thing I can do is stay with someone who financially abuses me.  Michael doesn't call me names.  He doesn't send me obnoxious emails and demand answers.  He's never threatened a restraining order when I didn't answer a Facebook message fast enough.  Michael has never slandered me in public.  Steve actually engaged in libel (yet had the unmitigated gall to threaten to have his mother sue me when I posted a domestic violence quote to my Facebook page in the hopes of helping someone else).  Michael doesn't make me feel like a piece of shit so long as I keep his laundry clean.  Usually it is Michael's family that badmouths me -but- they use information that came from him. 

Steve treated me like crap.  He played games.  He criticized everything I did.  He wasn't very good in the one place I'd like a man to be decent.  That is tolerable if the guy is teachable.  I didn't have enough time to find out.  I don't think he was attracted to me.  He didn't kiss me like a man who wanted me. 

Nasty emails and lying about me in public is where I draw the line.  I can't deal with that for very long.


I am seriously considering staying with Michael on the condition that he tells me how Shannon knew what she knew, that he gets therapy (and doesn't pretend to go while hanging out at McDonalds), that we move out of state within the next six months and I NEVER see his sister or another relative following me in public again.  I understand that this is a very tall order.  The problem is financial.  I simply do not have the money to get away and stay in the city I am at.   

This is what I am pondering today.  I am a little spooked by the realization that Shannon and the other relatives never did the hang up call thing, never tried to break into my house, or even followed me when I was with Michael. He was never with me when they pulled their antics.  He must be in on it somehow. 


I'll let you know what I decide. 

I do have the sense that Michael is withholding a big piece of information from me.  I'd like to know what it is. 

I am also debating on forgiving Michael for stealing the $14,000 from me after our divorce.  If I ask for the money back, I'll just be asking for trouble.

Maybe safety trumps financial security. 


*****

If it weren't for Steve, I wouldn't have realized how much danger I am in and how little help there would be for me.  If I am a good "little girl" and do what my ex-husband wants me to do, perhaps the worst part of the nightmare will stop. 

If people won't believe me, I may as well stay put. 
It took an a-hole to point that out. 

I don't care why Steve is an emotional abuser.  He just is.  He will always be until he finds a therapist who does not enable him.  There are a lot of apologetic people excusing his behavior as the kind a man exhibits after being abused in his childhood.  He bitches about his mother constantly.  I'm sure hatred fueled his abusive tirades towards me.  Those things cannot be fixed. 

You know....these people don't know that Steve lost his driver's license because of DUI's.  They don't know that his ex-wives refuse to speak to him.  They don't know that his mother had to take custody of his daughter.  All that points to a refusal to grow up and take responsibility for one's life. 

A refusal to take responsibility for one's behavior is the hallmark of an abuser. 

I gave him numerous chances.  I shouldn't have.  When I learned that he didn't drive due to alcohol abuse and that he hid the fact that he lost custody of his daughter, I should have stopped talking to him.

Irresponsible men tend to be abusive. 


*****

Michael did let me work for the past two weeks.  He helped with childcare.  The house is a mess.  The kids ate Little Ceaser's un-nutritional pizza but they are alive and happy. 

Maybe the financial abuse will end. 
Maybe the trick is not to earn more money that he does.  That would cap my income fairly low right now.  He's not making much money.  Maybe the stalking is a way for him to get control in the relationship.  Maybe my earning $150 per hour spooked him.  I can only earn $20 an hour to match his salary. 
I wish I knew exactly why he and his family behave the way they do. 
I really do. 

Time will tell. 
I'll try to stay positive about it.


Love,


S. 


Edit: Well....this is interesting.  Michael just ordered me a bug sweeper. 

I hope this answers the question about how Shannon got the information about me. 

If it doesn't, I won't know how to proceed. 

If I find a bug, I'm calling the police department. 

It would be nice to know how she's getting the information about me.  If I can find the door, it can be easily shut.

I wonder what took him so long? 


Wish me luck!