Today I am thankful that I gave up caring about toxic people.
I'll let people be the people that they are.
If they want to stalk, I don't care.
I have my ccw.
If they want to post crap to my Facebook page, I don't care.
The people that know me tend to call them out on it before I see it.
I don't care.
I don't.
People are going to do the dysfucktional stuff that they do.
Who am I to stop them?
My expectation is to stop worrying about weird stuff so I can be there for the people that need me.
I am a little bit torn today.
It's Tom's birthday. He's the big 45!
Woo hoo!
Yeah.....
I don't know if I should bug him now that I know it was Steve that was trying to make contact with me.
Tom only contacts me when he is lonely, in pain, or has a broken leg because he did something incredibly brave (like jump out of a plane and freak out his friends and family). I used to have a blog where I would post about my anxieties based on his Facebook posts. I took it down when I ran for office. Maybe I'll re-publish those.
I tried to be funny. I tried. It didn't stop the nightmares, though.
That is probably the real reason I couldn't be Tom's Facebook friend. The man was giving me nightmares.....losing toes....breaking bones....he was scaring the heck out of his aging high school sweetheart.
Man....if I would have married him....I would have died of a heart attack by now!!
He dodged a bullet.
Besides....deep down....I KNOW I wasn't what he wanted.
He was a wonderful best friend.
He is a great teacher....still.
Back in the day, he used to serenade me with Howard Jones songs.
The last time I saw him, he tried to ask me where I wanted to go. I still don't know. I want to go somewhere peaceful and loving. I want away from politics. I want to feel free!
I was going to wish him a happy birthday just to give him an IN if it were he who sent the bizarre app requests.
It wasn't him. It was Steve. I guess I don't have to worry anymore.
I only dated a handful of men in my entire life. I can pretty much figure out who is trying to get my attention.
But now.....I fear that if I kept my promise to send him a card....I'd just wind up annoying him.
I ask myself....
What if he has found the love of his life?
What if that person would be incredibly jealous?
What if I get him into trouble?
Then on the flip side, I ask....
What if he is alone?
What if he is bored?
What if he needs a friend?
What if he needs a kidney?
So....I don't know.....I have faith his hotness will find a real love. He's nice. He doesn't hit. He doesn't menace. I'm going to err on the side of caution.
I'll leave him alone.
*****
I was at a Kroger's in our home town sometime last year and swore I saw a guy that looked just like Tom buying a watermelon.
Weird, eh?
But....I was distracted. A fireman was flirting with me. The fireman called me beautiful. I have to say.....I have a thing for firemen. I stayed and spoke to him rather than find out if the guy at the register was my old friend.
My high school sweetheart is the standard by which I judge men.
But Firemen have zing!
My daddy was a fireman. That's the problem. My dad is probably the real standard by which I judge men.
That's a bizarre contradiction, isn't it?
I think I was attracted to Steve because he looked like my dad.
*****
My biggest wish for Tom is his happiness.
The last time I visited with him, I was being harassed by my in-laws. He was eating pizza. They watched from another table in the restaurant. I stared at them because they looked familiar but I couldn't place them. Tom gently kicked me to get my attention! I miss his playfulness.
Tom eating pizza always turned me on. I love it when he looks all lumberjack like. IT guys who don't shave can be incredibly hot, especially eating triangular thingys.
But.....*red alert*....I'm not his type.
Yes, I DO drink a lot of iced drinks around him....he buys them for me. I probably don't drool as much when I'm sucking on a straw.
Yeah.....
I don't know if I could ever say hello to him again....my ex-husband is incredibly jealous of Tom. I should stay away.
It seems like drama follows me when I visit him.
I mean that quite literally.
Maybe I'll just light a candle for him and pray his God grants him his biggest wish.
Besides, he's not shy. If he needed me, for a kidney or something, I'm sure he'd call.
I sure hope....he has everything his heart desires.
*****
I loved Steve. He seemed to have all the positive qualities Tom had. He was in IT. He seemed smart. He seemed to have empathy. He seemed to be artistic. He seemed to have integrity.
After all those emails and messages, I don't know who he is anymore.
Maybe he does have integrity....when he's not drinking....or lying....or threatening.....or cheating with 25 year old girls....or asking them to harass me on the phone.
For the longest time I was torn. Was he narcissistic and paranoid because he was drunk? Now, after dealing with the aftermath of our relationship, I am beginning to believe that he drinks because he is narcissistic.
I'm sad.
It's okay. I'll be kind to the people in my past who have been kind to me. I'll be kind to most people until they give me a reason to be ambivalent. I guess it is time for me to be ambivalent towards Steve.
Love ya,
S.
P.S. I may update this later.
Life is unfolding for me in a rather bizarre way. I can't make heads or tails out of things.
I can't.
Maybe I'll go to sleep and meditate on everything.