Kali Men, Detachment & Time

Maim me, tame me, you can never change me 
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me 


Never mind.....responding to people who sling mud at me makes us both look like pigs.  This is why I chose to go no-contact.  I didn't do it to be punitive.  I did it so I could find peace.  

Today I am thankful for the insight that things will sort themselves out with time.

In time, the truth will reveal itself. 

With that truth, I shall know how to proceed. 

*****

Right now, I am waiting for a call from the Superintendent's office.  I want the statistics on crime, expulsions, suspensions, and teacher layoffs for the school my daughter attends.  I have a hunch that the mass layoff of non-tenured, yet popular teachers, may be the factor behind the upheaval in the school.  The bullying became horrid early last year.  The non-tenured teachers were fired the year before because the district wanted to save money.

I'm wondering.......perhaps.....if the new, non-tenured, teachers are too worried about their jobs to focus on the children.

The truth will be revealed.  It usually is. 

I'm wondering if some kids are not cut out for public school.  Maybe I need to sacrifice my career a little bit longer in order to build up a child torn down by a government system. 

*****

It took a little over four years for the latest round of stalking participants to be revealed.  I should have known it would be the same players as before.  I should have known it was my in-laws.  I hadn't seen them in so long, that they had new boyfriends and husbands.  That is why I didn't recognize their faces.  I did recognize the smell.

They must all use the same laundry soap or something.

All it took was a funeral to reveal who was following me.  I saw all my stalkers in photographs of the event. 

I realized that I was played a fool.

Now, I am just awaiting the truth of why.

That truth I may never find.

*****

My eldest daughter finally revealed the reason her boyfriend was becoming violent.  He wanted her to move to Texas with him so they could live with his family.  His family are unregistered aliens.  I'm not sure that is the correct term now.  We used to call them illegal aliens. 

I guess that is beside the point.  They have expressed an interest in becoming citizens as they've lived here for over two decades.  Their son could sponsor them -but- he's holding that over their heads.  He's making crazy demands.

I wonder.....who can sponsor illegal aliens?  I guess I could ask one of my liberal friends.  They'd know who to talk to. 

My daughter didn't want to move  He got violent.

See?  The truth always comes out. 

*****

I may or may not know the truth about Steve.  In talking to various social workers and shrinks, he does appear to have issues with paranoia and narcissism.  Most will say that those issues preceded his alcoholism.  The drug use is his attempt at mediating the mental issues.  I'm not sure.  When he abstained from drugs and alcohol, he was quite lucid.

It's not my place to judge.  I want to understand.  I may never know if he was a narcissist or if he had unresolved issues with addiction or both.  I don't know.



I know that he lies about me in a bid to manipulate me.  I know that he plays games to see how I will react.  I know that his daughter has been alienated from her mother.  I know that his mother has taken custody of this child from him.  When I was eight weeks late, I feared him knowing.  I couldn't put a kiddo through that. 

I KNOW that he has a tendency to use legal threats to control people.  He threatened to sue me twice.  First, for a restraining order because I didn't answer a Facebook message fast enough.  Secondly, because I posted a quote about emotional abuse. 


I may not be able to judge a person.  I have to judge whether or not I can speak to him again.  I have to judge if I need to cut off anybody who makes comments about him or our relationship.  He told a lot of lies.  I was upset when I had to address them.  Thankfully, most people don't care. 

The Anarchist activist who became angry at me due to Steve's Facebook posts had his email account hacked again.  I'm debating telling him.  I've known him for years.  We fought side by side to educate the public about tax hikes, years before Steve was in the picture.  I probably should call him and warn him.  I don't want to talk to him right now.  I probably should.  Friendship is stronger than the lies dysfunctional men tell on Facebook.


*****


I wonder what makes some men so destructive?

Why? 


Is it because we take their trust when they are born?  I wonder the damage that circumcision does to babies.

Why? 

Why is it so hard for men to trust?

Is it because we tell them to "man up" when they are growing up?

Why? 

This seems like a societal problem. 


Why do some guys feel the need to tear women down?  Why do they criticize, stalk, control, and harass their girlfriends, their wives, their mothers and their daughters?

What in the world can they possibly get out of that?


This may be something I'll never understand. 

I want to understand so I don't find myself in another relationship like this.


I want to understand so I can keep my daughters away from relationships like this.
I want to know how to cope if people like that are around me.
Finally, I want to know how to detach and stay sane when they are trying to pull me into their rage storms. 


I want to know. 


Hopefully time will reveal the answer to me. 


Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  The above song reminds me of how I felt in the middle of the manipulation.  I wanted him.  I loved him but he couldn't change me.  All he could do was waste my time and keep me away from the things I feel I need to do to help the community.  When I did those things intrinsic to who I am, it seemed to cause a lot problems.  He'd tend to pick fights after I'd take him to political events.  I took him because I thought he wanted to influence people.  Maybe not....maybe he just wanted me to think he wanted to influence people.  I tried. 

My task now is to file the relationship away in my head so I can move on....someday. 






This song.....this song seems to speak to narcissism.  Not the singer....but one verse, in particular, seems to allude to the pretentiousness of those "sucka DJs who think [they're] fly".  That seem to be a good description of hanging out with narcissists who cannot let their true colors show.