Skip to main content

Finding the Fake Facebook Account

Today I am thankful that I found a fake Facebook account. 


It sent me this message last Friday. 


Friday was the day I used to visit with Steve. 

The message read:


  • Someone misses you so much, it's not your family nor your relatives. It's not even your bestfriend nor your closest pal. Its just the simple ordinary me, who misses the extraordinary.
    6:18 PM




Sigh.....

This is why I choose to be alone. 

*****

Last night the coven did a Full Moon Happiness Ritual for me.  Part of that involved me writing about all the bullshit I've been going through. 

I've written about it quite a bit. 

I wrote about it here. 

Last night, I was supposed to burn my writings in a black candle.


Well....I need my laptop. 


I didn't do that. 

I just imagined all the bullshit burning away.

I think it helped. 

Then I was supposed to light a rose scented candle and imagine nothing but positivity taking the place of the baloney. 


I was warned that my dreams would clue me in to the things that bring me happiness. 


*******


My dreams were weird. 


First, I dreamt that Thomas was watching me dance in a coffee shop.


Then, I dreamt that I was visiting with him at Christmas with a belated birthday card.  I was apologizing because I try to find coffee cups for him with positive themes on them. 

As I kid, I always bought him snarky Hallmark coffee cups.  I have a lot of guilt about that.  Every time I see a happy and positive one, I buy it for him.  In this dream, I don't have anything for him except a Hallmark card with $100 in it. 

Maybe......that was my happiest relationship.  I was pretty sad because my grandmother and dad died while I was dating him.  He never upset me.  My life was weird back then.

Maybe a healthy and supportive relationship is what I need the most.  I had that with Thomas.


I'm still not sure we'd get along.  I'm not his type.

He's good looking.  I'm not. 


He's a very steady person.  He knows what he wants.  He knows the path he needs to walk to get there.  He's steady.  He rarely veers from that path. 

I'm like a puppy dog with ADHD.  I see so many interesting things to do that I get lost in the new experiences.  Oh...I want that job....then another job....then a third job.  Today I want to start a homeless shelter, tomorrow I may want to be a senator, and who knows what I'll want to try to do next year?

I don't think we can get along. 


I don't think I am relationship material because I am so versatile.  I'm not sure a guy who knows what he wants would be interested in someone like me. 

The dream wasn't necessarily about Thomas.  I think it was about what I want in a relationship. 


I just don't think I'll ever be ready for one. 

That realization hurts. 


Love ya,

S. 









Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004.  We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went mi
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP and when he is stressed out
Read more