Confusion

Today I am thankful....at least I think I am...because I don't have to speak.

Nothing makes sense in my home life.

Nothing makes sense at all.

I wanted to go to mediation because

- I wanted to define terms of repayment for the $10,000 Mike took after the divorce,

- to get my name off of the title of the van he needed after our divorce,

- to get my name off of the checking account he was supposed to turn over to me but continues to use,

- to define when and how he will move out of the house,

- to discuss if he wants to sign a Quit Claim Deed or allow me to move out of the house and sell it,

- to discuss child support and any changes that need to be made to the parenting agreement,

- to redistribute the tax credits (he has them all but is not working),

and

- to discuss alimony.

The deadline to discuss alimony and enter into an agreement was today. I did have a lawyer willing to help me last September but then Michael lost his job.  I put off that issue until now.

I did reach out to mediators in the past few months.  They contacted us yesterday to set up mediation.

He made nearly triple what I make.  If he expects me to stay in this house, I either need a third job or his financial help.

He lost his job three month ago.  I don't know where he is getting the money to buy all the stuff he is buying. 

I guess that doesn't matter.  I am trying to be kind.  I'm trying to be sensitive.  I'm trying to understand what in the world in going on.

I tried to talk to him to get a sense of what he wants.

He wants to live with me.

He doesn't want to work on the relationship.

If he doesn't do that, he can't give me what I've wanted for many years.

I can't live a life of perpetual celibacy.

I can't see other people so long as he's hanging out where I live.

There has to be a solution that will make everyone happy.

I just don't know what it is.

I don't know how to get him to understand how much this situation is hurting me.

While I was talking to him asking if he'd prefer mediation or for me to schedule a hearing, he printed off a form from the court house website. He just left to file a motion to extend the amount of time I have to ask for alimony to one month after he is employed.

That doesn't address anything else.

I need to know what to expect. 

Is he filing the motion to keep me quiet so he doesn't have to address anything else?

Am I supposed to feel gratitude?

I feel like crying.

*****

I don't know what to do.

I fear doing something that he doesn't like because I don't want the stalking to pick up.

I feel trapped and stuck.

I don't know if he is helping me - or not.

I'm confused.

*****

When I ask what he wants, I get mixed messages.

Several times in the past few weeks (even years), he told me that we were through.

Several times in the past two weeks, I asked him to put together a plan to move out.

He told me this morning that he lied when he said he didn't want to be with me.

I'm confused.

If he can't move out, then I should.

I asked if I should move out and he said 'no.' 

*****
His behavior is curious.

He's doing nice things for me.

He bought me a salad for lunch.

I'm scared to eat it.

It's not that I fear its poisoned or anything.  I fear that this salad will be used to take more from me.  If he does nice things for me, will it cost me in the long run?

I don't want to take his things.

I just want to know what to expect.

I want to have what I need to start my new life and continue to keep the promises I made to him in the divorce (stay in this house if the stalking stops), help the kids graduate here and get into college and that kind of thing.

I want to start directing my own life but it's hard to do that when your ex-husband is living in your home and directing what happens and when. 

I'm trying to remove myself from the control.

I'm having a tough time stating my case to my ex.

This is weird.

I pray I can figure out what to do soon.

I wish I knew what he wanted and what to do.

*****

I know this is a rambling post.  I guess I'm trying to make the most of the crazy place I am at.

My boss gave me Fridays off.  I didn't understand the wisdom of that until now.

I wanted to work the days my ex was supposed to be with the kids, so I'd be home for them at all other times.

I was working eleven and twelve hour days Friday through Monday

I spent the rest of the time hypnotizing people or sleeping.

This is my second Friday night at home working on meditation recordings and crying myself to sleep.

Then it hit me.....realization.....so big and bright it was like someone hit me on top of the head with a spotlight.

I only need alimony because I'm bending my life to fit my ex's life.

I'm working around his schedule....his needs....his desires....his plan (if he has one).

I took a job selling insurance so he didn't need to pay for COBRA.  I am trying to get my business off of the ground so I can rival his income and negate child support.

I'm living in an expensive house I don't want....in a place I am afraid to live....and driving a car that barely runs.

I gave up my favorite things.

I gave away my Steinberger.  I gave away my Peavey Unity Koa Wood Bass to a man he bullied.  I've given many things in my life away to make room for this person or to help him solve a problem he created.

I gave him my mini-van never getting to actually do anything fun in it.  I'll be paying for that darn car for many years. 

I gave myself away.

I am only a shadow of myself.

I had to give up so much of myself.  My last office was beautiful.  I loved it....there was so much nostalgia in the walls.

I left an office that had beautiful memories of my teenage years in it.  When I was in high school that office was a drug store that I would visit with my high school sweetheart.  He bought me a couple of stuffed animals there due to a dirty joke I made (rather lame and I'm too embarrassed to type it). 

Let's just say he spent far too much on them....

He presented them to me the day after my step-father's funeral.  He was trying to make me smile.

Every time I unlocked the door and entered into the waiting room, I remembered Tom.  I smiled.

I had to leave that office due to the stalking and the harassment I endured from Mike's family. I had planned to rent an apartment across the street after the divorce was final.  The apartment is above a Army Navy Surplus Store where another childhood friend and I used to visit.  I never dated Patrick despite him saving me from the angry farmer who would catch us cutting through his property or all the times he kept me company when the weather was cloudy.  He was six months younger than I...too young I thought at the time. 

He called me one night drunk to tell me that he wished he had married me.  I told him that he should count his blessings, I'm too obnoxious and disrespectful towards people who think they have authority.  That's when he said my rabble rousing always turned him on.   I think of him and smile.

He has three daughters.  They all have red hair and light skin just like I do.  I wonder what their mom looked like.

There is a park just a few blocks away where my friend Jim playfully pushed me in the water once because I had such a dirty mind.  He joked that I could wash the filth away.  Jim isn't into women and he's prettier than me, too.  When I was fifteen, I held out hope that he could change his mind.  Truth be told,  he's more beautiful now.  He does work for the TSA (which as a dyslexic who hates groping reminds me of T&A) so my politics collides with his job.  I don't think he can stand my rants against the police state.

That place was full of memories....wonderful happy memories and I choose to give it up due to the harassment and in a misguided effort to placate my ex-husband.

I was awarded the house and told to keep the kids here.

I never finished my Ph.D.  I was stalked in graduate school and my mentors thought it best that I leave until I sorted out the stalking.  I was never able to do so.

So many plans were abandoned.  I wanted to be a motivational speaker.  I met a handsome NLP trainer whose office was a block from mine.  Ah....I had to ignore how I felt due to my situation.  This man helped coach me when it came to public speaking and vocal artistry.  Sadly, despite his work with me, most of my speeches have been to argue with politicians and expose the things that they try to hide from the public.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I'd say I'm not the person I want to be but, truth is, I have no clue who I am anymore.

I've let this situation take control of me.

Maybe instead of waiting around to begin my life until my ex-husband decides what he wants and leaves....maybe I should just get back to doing what I was doing before the stalking got bad.

Maybe.....just maybe.....I should go back to spending Fridays supporting my musician buddies.  Maybe I should be a cheerleader and invite hordes of people I know to pack their shows.  I can attend my friends' First Friday art shows and help them see that their works are valuable. 

I can sell the house and buy a decent car so I can drive my aunts to the grocery store. 

There are far too many things to do than sit here and cry.

If he wants to live here so badly, maybe I should look for a job far away.  There are residential counseling jobs I can do. 

Maybe I just need to think outside of the box.

If you made it this far, thanks for lending me your energy.  I guess I should give you something in return -

You are unique. 

You were put on this Earth for some unique reason - or unique purpose -  if you will.

If you don't know what that purpose is, try to find the fire in your veins. The place that burns with passion - the place that lifts you up on those days when you don't want to get out of bed - that's what you are here for.

Do that.

If you're still reading - I'll tell you about a blog I found that I read every day.

It is written by a former state congressman.  His first name is Ken.  His last name is a season.  I'm not going to tell you which one (you've only got four to choose from).  I don't want to make it too easy for you.

I had a friend mention him a few months ago.  He mentioned that he became ill after a bug bite and was paralyzed. He told me something about a book. 

I was told he has never lost his faith in life or love.

I had never met this man.  I wasn't sure why.  I Googled him and found that we have over 100 friends in common on Facebook.  I started to read what he wrote and decided to accept his invitation to subscribe to his blog.

Every day he posts one passage of scripture.  Then he writes about three pages of inspirational words that make me remember that life is a gift and that things happen for a reason.

Every day I have to read his postings no matter how tired I am.  I feel compelled to read it.

This man has voted on laws that have impacted my life greatly.  I think it is his sharing his perception of divine grace online - has probably impacted me more than anything else. I hope he gets to publish his insights. They are quite good. 

I think his lesson to me is that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes if you work to make the most of it, you'll uncover beauty like you've never known before.

May you find the beauty in the challenges presented to you. 

Sometimes challenges can help you find that fire that motivates you to find that which you were made to do. 

Love ya,

S.