Kali Mode

Today I am thankful that I have my sword at the ready:

I'm in Kali mode and ready to cut everything out of my life that isn't working for me.

 

 

First to go, the divorce lawyer. 

 

I gave him the $2,500 retainer he requested.  Then he said it had to be $3,500.  Until I could come up with that amount, he'd help advise me to fill out paperwork.  Okay....I'm still filling out the paperwork for both myself and my ex.  I'm filing it.  I'm doing the work. 

 

He's only answered one of my emails.  By the time he answered it, the harassment became impossible to bear and I had already paddled my way up Shit Creek (by giving up all those things I was trying to protect when I hired the lawyer).  

There are no answers for dealing with a bully who lives with you that a lawyer can solve.  

I'm on my own. 

 

He charges me $50+ to read an email.  Okay...at least answer me before I lose everything.  If I write over and over again, to the tune of $500 in two months and get no answers, you're fired. 

 

He's fired. 

 

I'm doing the work myself anyway.  I may as well finish this.  I have two weeks to get agreements going and filed with the court and my lawyer isn't helping me anyway.  The lawyer said I had a year.  The judge said I had thirty days. 

I have twenty-four now. 

I'm on my own as I have been since day one. 

 

Sigh...

 

Second, I have to get away from my ex. 

 

The reason is that when I paid the money to the lawyer, he hid his car and took mine.  By the time I got mine back, it needed $2,500 work of worth done. 

My ex told me that the money he gave me for the lawyer was intended to repair my car. 

I'm upset. 

 

Of course, the lawyer did not advise me as to a solution (which probably would have been asking the court for use of one of the cars). 

 

I am frustrated. 

 

When I fire the attorney, my ex will stop playing games with the car. 

 

I have to live with this abuser until the divorce is final.  I'll hire a document preparer service with whatever funds I get back from the retainer to put this damn thing to bed.  It may have to wait until I repair my car and find a job (which has to be done in secrecy now). 

 

Third, I gave up my volunteer gig. 

 

I just don't fit in. 

 

An older gentleman was telling me that I don't know how to do cold calling.  He went on to tell me that I do not understand the message that the organization was trying to deliver and went on to try to coach me into being more conversational so I connect better.  

 

  That's fair enough but I do know how to connect with people. 

 

He said my problem was that I was an introvert.  Ugh....

 

I ended up explaining to him how introverts are great at connecting with people, giving speeches, and even cold calling.  I am frustrated. 

 

I can't do it right now.  I need to pare down the activities in my life and focus on things that get results for me now. 

 

I'm not holding food down.  My hair is falling out by the handfuls and my car isn't running.  I don't have the time or energy to debate the ways in which INFJs connect with people on the telephone. 

 

Fourth, I'm thinking of giving up my friendship with Steve. 

 

He's doing nothing wrong. 

 

He's perfect for me.  

The problem is that there comes a time in some friendships with the opposite sex where the chemistry gets to the point where one either has to take it to the next level or call it off. 

I think we've been at that point since October of last year. 

 

Last night, my ex spent an hour telling me to go off and be with Steve.  My ex cornered me in the kitchen, grabbed me by the shoulders, starred into my eyes and told me that he released me from my marital vows so I can go be with someone who truly loves me. 

He did this once before.  I think it was last February or March.  I don't remember. 

How does one explain to a narcissist that normal men don't have sex with married women?   They prefer the finality of a signed divorce decree (it's a form of broken heart insurance). 

 

My ex told me to take what money was left in the 401k, move out of the house, give him custody of the kids, and hide from his stalking family. 

 

I don't know why that scares me. 

 

It just does. 

 

This happened after I explained to my ex how I know that he is my stalker.  I'll re-type one incident below because I'm feeling a tad bit terrified right now.   There are others.  For example, if he doesn't want me to work and he sits outside my workplace while his friends or family call me incessantly -or-  he doesn't want me to go to school and his sister conducts a smear campaign on campus while he's hiding gas money. 

 

That's the kind of thing I've been dealing with. 

 

This incident pertains to my high school sweetheart and what I'm afraid will happen to Steve and I.

 

On November 5, 2004, I had a dream my high school sweetheart broke his leg in a car accident.  I yelled his name in my sleep because in the dream, I witnessed the crash.  He had a woman with him who died.  I don't know why, but that dream haunted me and soon became a re-curring nightmare.

 

Soon after, stuff my old flame gave me, stuff I thought was long gone, turned up around the house. 

 

Last year, my ex told me that in 2004, after the dreams, he asked his cousin to hunt down my high school sweetheart to return his things (things I did not know I still had).   To this day, he denies snooping through my stuff in order to find those objects. 

 

In 2011, my high school sweetheart and I were stalked by my ex's relatives as we met at a restaurant after he broke his leg while jumping from an airplane.  I wanted to do covert hypnosis with him to help with the pain.  I don't think my recordings were doing it for him. 

 

My ex said that he told his cousin where I was this day I was stalked and who I was with.   My ex also called me when I was with my old flame to ask if I was okay because he "had a feeling he should call", this was about ten minutes before his future brother-in-law hassled me on the street and went to my office building to hassle the other tenants. 

 

My ex doesn't understand the connection between asking his cousin to find my old flame, telling his cousin when I was with my old flame, and he and I being watched by his sister and her fiance as we sat down to lunch. 

 

He asked them to check up on me. 

 

He will do the same to Steve and I. 

 

In sum....

 

There are times when you have to let a Borderline NPD Bully win the battles until you have your Trojan Horse built.  I need to win the war. 

I made a mistake by being too transparent. 

 

I have some remedies now. 

 

I will no longer have a lawyer.   He is not really doing anything any way and his presence just seems to aggravate my ex.  I will probably end up calling off the divorce due to my inability to communicate with my ex to fill out the paperwork.  The magistrate has already threatened to invalidate the divorce action due to our inability to get anything done. 

I ask my ex what he wants.  He always says the same two things which are

"whatever you want,"

-or-

"you know what I want." 

I don't know how to fill out a separation agreement/parenting plan utilizing that. 

 

I will no longer be a volunteer with a potential job reference.  I can't handle the stress and I do fear what will happen if I can't get  a hold of gas money or bus fare.  Besides, I need to do things that make me feel like I am making a contribution to the world, not annoying the hell out of people on the phone.

 

I will no longer consider the possibility of ever finding love due to my fears about the stalking.  If I love my friend, I will let him go to keep him safe.   I think of all of this, letting go of my best friend hurts the most. 

 

My friend wants to protect me.

 

My friend wants to solve my problem.

 

This is too crazy and I can't risk his getting hurt.  He's got a daughter, a mother, and a family. 

 

I can't.....

 

I just can't do that to him. 

I think I'm feeling depressed now.

 

Pray for me and Steve, too.

 

Broken hearts are incredibly painful. 

 

Love,

 

S.