Flying Free

 

Today I am thankful for flying free.

 

I'm confused. 

 

I'm hot over someone. 

 

I can't do anything about it. 

 

It's bad. 

 

I realized that those sexy fantasies make me run for sugar (e.g. incredibly fattening coffees). 

 

When I don't think about it, I drop weight. 

 

When I want it and can't have it, I eat. 

 

Oh...maybe when I had someone to snuggle naked I needed the sugar so I had energy. 

 

I don't know. 

 

All I know is that my weight gain interferes with my ability to jump on a hottie.  I have to figure out how to stop eating and drinking so much sugar or I'll crush the poor man.   

 

My thoughts are pretty bad of late. 

 

The smallest things send me running for the cold showers. 

 

Maybe I'll take some time to post representational pics.   To tell the truth, it is incredibly bland stimuli like satin sheets, mushrooms, lollipops, straws, or milk. 

It's not the stimulus that makes me nasty; it's what it makes me think about doing. 

It's horrible! 

I can even tell you why it isn't happening.   My friend and I are two very hurt people with scruples.  We won't trust easily and if we do anything that even remotely looks like it is violating another person's feelings, we won't trust each other with our own. 

I understand that. 

That is why I hope my friend finds someone else if my issue doesn't get resolved soon or if I'm not the one meant for him. 

Sex is medicine for men.  They need it.  It's that simple.

 

 

*****





My ex and I hired a mediator to help us put an end to the issue. 

We see her on Tuesday.  If we don't submit divorce paperwork by the 26th, the judge threatened to throw out our case and force us to start over. 

 

I'm getting mixed messages from my ex. 

 

We have to divorce to put an end to the stalking. 

 

He blames his sister. 

 

The inability to have sex for years at a whack because he hates his mommy isn't the problem. 

 

The rage isn't the problem.

 

Hiding money isn't the problem.

 

Pretending to go to therapy for months at a whack and not actually working on stuff isn't the problem.

 

It is the stalking - that his sister is doing -  that is the problem. 

 

Okay.....whatever. 

 

*****

 

Today I moved the last bits of furniture into my new office. 

 

My ex wanted to help. 

 

My office is a few blocks away from my current love interest's office. 

 

It was a lucky find. 

 

It is managed by a fellow politician. 

 

I'm subletting from a therapy teacher at a pittance of the real rent.

 

It is a perfect fit for me.

 

I let my ex tag along so he can see what he paid the first and last month's rent on. 

 

We each carried up a chair.

 

My ex is trying. 

 

It is the least I can do. 

 

My driving scares him. 

 

I let him drive my van. 

 

He noticed that the suspension on my car is nearly destroyed and offered to fix it. 

 

Okay....I could use the help and it'll keep the kids safe. 

 

Sure...

 

On the way home, he choose to drive by my friend's office. 

I don't know if he knows that was my friend's office. 

I can't prove my ex put the GPS device on my car. 

This could have been a coincidence. 

 

Mind you, it is out of the way. 

 

He made a stop at a convenience store and timed it so he'd leave a few minutes after 5:00. 

 

He let our vehicle linger outside my friend's office building. 

 

All I could do is think about my friend while my ex sat there telling me he wants me back. 

 

When home, I spent about six hours trying to get him to talk to me about what he wants. 

 

He wants me -but- we must divorce to stop the stalking. 

 

Then he tells me to go to my friend

 

(uh....there is something slightly yucky about having an ex tell you to sleep with another guy).   

 

I am terribly horrible at break-ups. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

I really don't. 

 

I'm a musician. 

 

All I truly know how to do is play everything by ear.

*****

I have been trying to push my friend away.  I don't know if I can. 

It's weird. 

I feel real love for the man.  It is real enough that I wish for his happiness more than I wish to have a little taste. 

I know he'll expect me to communicate better.  He'll probably ask me to go into some kind of coaching, counseling, communication class with him.  He'll want me to tell him what I need and really listen to him tell me what he needs.

I don't know what to do.  I can't let him invest anymore until I know he has a shot of being with me.  It sucks keeping him at a distance but what if someone better and more available walked into his life?  Maybe there is a reason the universe is dragging out my break-up?   

I wish I knew what to do. 

One of these days, the fire is going completely out or it will grow hotter and overtake the damn stop sign. 

 

 

 

Love ya,

 

S.