Today I am thankful for love, friendship, and the wish of sharing sensual pleasure.
Holy crap...
I don't think my fever broke.
I still have vertigo.
I spent two or maybe three hours trying to talk to my ex about what he wanted. That conversation is a road to nowhere.
He wants me back -but- he knows he will hurt me.
He says that I have to leave. I'm not supposed to leave the house. He won't leave until I make 40K a year. That's a long shot. I don't think it matters what a divorce decree says. This is his territory. I'm probably going to have to be the one to leave.
The reason I worry about that is that should the courts dissolve our marriage on September 17th and I move on to being with someone I adore,
I fear that the stalking will not stop if my ex doesn't think the relationship is over.
Worse, my ex crawled into bed with me when I was sick on Saturday morning. I think the last time we shared a bed was July 23, 2008. That day, someone sent me a spooky necklace from a haunted house and I hallucinated seeing a mirage of an old friend standing by the bed. I let out a scream and my ex came running up from his bedroom to be with me.
Turns out, the person in the mirage send me an email at the very moment I let out the scream saying that he would visit me in August. It was 4:00 a.m. I still have that necklace, too. No one wants it! Not even the museum up north! Drat!!!
Anyway, that was the last time we shared a bed for any length of time.
Yesterday, I was too sick to move. He was a gentleman.
I don't think my ex thinks it is over.
I appreciate my ex's concern but maybe he doesn't want a divorce lawyer. Maybe he wants a marriage counselor. A counselor can help us end it.
He doesn't want to go to counseling.
I need to know what he wants so I can figure out what to do.
We've been talking about divorcing since 2001. We reconciled in 2004 and started talking about it again in April of 2007.
This can hurt another person now.
This is hurting me.
I have a friend.
I let those feelings go into the realm of love.
I tried to hide it, yet I could not.
I think he knew all along.
Now, I'm fantasizing about sharing all sorts of fun pleasures that are completely inappropriate.
I don't think I'm the only one thinking like that.
I think my friend solved the logistical problem.
My ex told me to go be with him -but- then started talking about how much he loves me.
What in the world do I do?
I know it is over.
It has to be.
Right?
Vertigo is the conflict between the fear of falling and the desire to fall. - Salman Rushdie
Maybe once the fever breaks and I can think again....maybe things will make sense.
My world is still spinning.
The first time I had vertigo was August 19, 2008. I was standing next to Thomas. He leaned towards me and whispered in my ear.
He said
"You're still pretty."
I got sick right then and there. It was like trying to stand still while wanting to fall into his arms. He did hug me like he never wanted to let go. I remember pulling away and hearing Tom say
"Let me know what happens with that guy."
I told him I would let him know -but- I never did. I figure that the stalking is enough of a reminder that this guy is still around. Tom and I will probably never speak to each other again. I think I pissed him off the last time we met because I took too long in the bathroom. Tom always acted bizarre when I took too long in the bathroom. I'm wondering if another woman ditched him on a date.
In my defense, my 5" heels got stuck in a rug. It took a while to get unstuck without sitting in the mold on the floor. Such is life when you want to look nice in public.
Next time...if there is a next time...I'll wear Crocs. That man would never see me again.
Seriously, though, vertigo is what I get when I try to stand strong but want to just let go and feel.
I'm in love. I doubt that it is right. It causes my mind to swim around in circles while my body stands straight going nowhere.
My fever is bringing on hallucinations. The hallucinations are about my friend. They are hot.
How much of this sickness is the flu and how much of it is psychosomatic?
Wow....just wow..
I'm off to try to get some sleep.
Love ya,
S.
P.S. My ex went to the store and bought me some flowers for my ritual to Isis and Osiris tomorrow.
The flowers were tulips.
When our sex life went to hell in 2000, after I found out that his mother was spreading lies that he told her, I began to use hypnosis to train myself to desire him.
It took me a few years to develop the system. We had a color and flower system. Certain colors made me want certain things. Certain flowers made me behave a certain way.
If he brought me pink roses, I wanted hard sex. I'd literally grab him and turn into a pig.
If he presented me tulips (phonetically "two-lips"), I would go into trance, get on my knees, and give him head.
We had various plants and flowers that correlated with various types of sexual activity.
There are a couple that make me orgasm without thought. I have a hard time driving in the spring as these flowers are indigenous to the area in which I live. This is why I wear sunglasses outdoors. I can't see the colors through the lenses.
I will never go to a public garden with a man I've never screwed. I'm not sure he'd understand the show. Unless he reads this blog and I desire him, then I'd expect him to take notes. I could see it now:
Note 11/12/13 - journal entry
Today I took Siegfred to the botanic gardens. The lime green flowers by the fence make her fall to the ground, scream my name, and writhe in ecstasy. I've got to go back and get the name of the plant and fill the house with them!
Oh, and I really enjoyed her reaction around the yellow tulips, they make her happy to see me!!!
I'm just teasing. I'll tell you why later*.
And, yeah...those guys that sell bad dating advice for men could make better money teaching women how to want it and guys how to tell women what they want and when. I think my system worked well, until I wore him out. Maybe his mommy didn't approve.
He wasn't getting a lot of sleep. He smiled a lot. Mommy won. The fun died in 2007 after he went to a funeral and came home and called me Mrs. [Thomas's last name]. Never call me that. That was never my name. That shall never be my name. Those were fighting words. I guess my ex's last name wasn't good enough.
So, to be a bitch. I kept his name in the divorce! My excuse is that I hate getting a new driver's license. In reality, I'm just a brat.
Ha!
Oh, I promised to tell why flowers won't do it for me anymore. My hot, sexy, yet still married hypnotist buddy fixed me*. Those commands are long gone!! Thank goodness!!
I'd rather have new ones anyway.
Love ya,
S.