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A Fear Worse Than Death

 
 
Today I am thankful that I realized what I feared more than death. 

I used to make my living dealing with people who feared public speaking more than death. 

I love public speaking. 

It's fun. 

That doesn't scare me. 

I know what scares me. 

Love...

the real kind...

the kind of love that stupidity doesn't kill. 

The kind of love where talking fixes stupid ideas. 

The kind of love where thoughts of someone you care for makes you try to drink water so you don't end up six feet under when you're dehydrated and spinning around because you're so sick that you think you are going to die.   

Darn it...I had to get well to see him give a speech on Thursday night! 

*****
I meditate to Isis and Osiris twice a week.  Once on Mondays and again on Fridays. 
 
I always ask for the same thing. 
 
I always get the same answer. 
 
It started with a list. 
 
A list of qualities that I wanted in a partner. 
 
That was almost three years ago. 
 
I met him two months later. 
 
He glows. 
 
I swear, in my eyes, this man has an angelic cast about him. 
 
I know it's not real. 
 
It's just how I see him. 
 
I always thought that was weird.
 
He has every single quality on the list.  
 
This is not something I'm accustomed to; having a wish granted so perfectly and so swiftly.
 
Since the day I met him. 
 
I've prayed to Isis and Osiris and ask....
 
'are you sure?'
 
'Am I mistaken?' 
 
This is just too perfect.
 
Then I try to hide from him because I'm sure I'm mistaken. 
 
Every week, I get the same answer. 
 
He contacts me and treats me with love and respect. 
 
Even today...
 
even when I'm stupid....
 
he gets what I'm trying to say. 
 
Maybe I need to quit asking those questions. 
 
Maybe instead of
 
'are you sure?'
 
-and-
 
'are you sure I'm not spending time with the wrong guy thus stealing him from someone else and destroying your gift?'
 
I should ask
 
'how?'
 
-and-
 
'what do you want us to do together, if anything?'
 
I know this man wants to help people somehow. 
 
He's better than that list I wrote all those years ago.  We both have the same interests in politics, in psychology, in NLP, and in helping others see the light of who they are no matter their past circumstances.  We both want people to free themselves of inner and outer constraints. 
 
Maybe that is why we were thrown together.
 
I don't know yet. 
 
I meditated to those questions.
 
The answer I got was to trust, stop fighting everything, stop questioning everything, and just live in the moment. and stop throwing away the gifts the Gods send to us.
 
Then I hallucinated seeing an eye of Horus.  I'll have to meditate on that insight. 
 
Maybe it is okay and maybe everything is as it is supposed to be.
 
Of course, I had to ruin the sacredness by asking why it took so long to meet him.
 
The answer was that we wouldn't have appreciated the empathy that each of us have in our youth.  We had to grow in order to appreciate the gift of our friendship (or relationship...whatever this going to be). 

It's just super cool that such a man exists.  That, in and of itself, is amazing.  It's better than believing in unicorns, djinn, tomato fairies (an obscure anime reference), or Santa Claus

-because- this person is real! 

 
*****
 
I do know that the black cat that cries at my window during the rituals met me in the driveway at 7:00 this morning.  That is a little early.  I typically do my rituals at night. 
 
I think I'm getting predictable in my old age. 
 
That feline was certainly ready for the offering of fish. 
 
I think I'm becoming a cat person. 
 
I like lions. 
 
****

My ex was very kind to me when I was sick.

So I asked him what he wanted.

For hours and hours, we went round and round. 

He wants me. 

Someday he'll get therapy. 

Someday we'll get marital counseling. 

Then, I caught him in a lie about the stalking.   He knew Shannon tried to get into the house months before I knew it was her.  He said his therapist asked him to reconsider believing what I saw with my own eyes, so he quit therapy. 

Game over.  I didn't know for sure that it was Shannon until the funeral in January.  I suspected Shannon because the woman looked like our daughter (so I figured it was relative) but I was unsure.

My ex quit therapy last fall. 

I'm hoping the papers will be signed by 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. 

Wish me luck at the mediation session. 

All must be as it should be.   

Love ya,

S. 




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