Ceremonial Wine

Today I am thankful for ceremonial wine.

Friday night, around 10:00, the day and hour of Venus was at hand.  I did my ritual.  I prayed.  I asked for beauty.  I asked to get over my fear of sharing said beauty with one that finds me beautiful.  

I kneeled in front of the altar.

In my mind's eye, I saw a beach.  It looked like a local lake by my friend's house. 

Upon the water, I saw Aphrodite.  I saw Eros.  He's was pulling back the bow. 

Ouch!

I look in the lake.  I see my reflection. 

Who in the world is that?  My hair...it's....it's....brown!!!

I'm thinner.  I'm more toned. 

My skin is flawless. 

That's not me!!!

Who is that? 

I'm not alone. 

Who is behind me?

He's got the prettiest blue eyes.  I can see them reflected in the water. 

In my vision, I literally feel a man pull back my hair and kiss my neck. 

There is a pounding sense of desire emanating from my body.  

I'm feeling alive. 

I open my eyes and see the candles going nuts.  The flame is flickering fairly high.  Oh crap, it's going to hit some fabric I have set by the altar.  I stand up to adjust the fabric. 

I feel dizzy. 

My eyes start to go dark.

I found myself on the floor at midnight. 

That scared the holy hell out of me. 

I had a dream. 

It went like this....

It was a conversation.  I think I remember seeing Aries & Eros there.  I remember sitting by a burning fire.  I'm not sure if I remember a goddess.   I heard a melodic woman's voice, though.

"He loves you. 

He loves you even though you make him feel frustrated.

You prayed for equality. 

We sent you someone who would treat you as an equal. 

You ignored him. 

For over two years, you ignored him. 

We set you afire. 

You choose to ignore it. 

We sent you beauty. 

You choose to overeat and ruin our gifts. 

We sent you prosperity.

You squandered it.

Don't you see what you've done? 

You've allowed yourself to stay in limbo. 

He goes to those places he would share with you....

he goes alone. 

He's not supposed to go alone. 

He's supposed to be with you." 

Oh....

And, then, I hear Aries laughing at me. 

"You want the gifts of Aphrodite,

yet you like to fight wars. 

You like to go into battle all by yourself.

How is a man going to be with you if you are doing all of the fighting?

Do you think a self-respecting man would let you ruin your dress fighting his battles for him?

Stop it and let him be the man he is. 

He is naturally aggressive.

He is naturally strong. 

He is a man and you're forcing him to suppress who he is.

We didn't make him to be treated like that!!

Stop it.

Be the woman you are.

Let him be the man he is.

Here are some coins, go buy yourself a couple of new dresses."

Oh....

And, then, there was another more sweeter male voice. 

"When we send you a love,

you will treat him as a God. 

You will see him as a way to worship me. 

Do not give us more wine, unless you share that gift with him.

If you want the gift of beauty, you will share it.

If you want the gift of pleasure, you will share it.

If you want the gift of  love, you will share it. 

Some things multiply when they are given freely." 

I awoke and found myself on the floor around midnight.

My friend was on Facebook.  I think he was coyly trying to share his upset that he was somewhere without me. 

I honestly thought that he had met up with a special friend to share the weekend with. 

The emails he sent suggested that earlier in the week. 

But, I learned last night that this was not the case. 

I tried to communicate with him on my new Smartphone but I was still too tired to type. 

I ended up hunting for my laptop, so I could boot it up. 

While digging around, I found $60.00 beside the altar. 

I'm not joking. 

I found three twenty dollar bills. 

I'm not sure how the money got there.  It may have been what was left of my business account after I closed it a few years ago. 

So, today.....I'm going to go out and look for a couple of new dresses. 

Maybe, I'll consider making a change to my hair, too.   

*****

This morning was horrible.  I woke up and my ex ambushed me. 

One minute he hates me. 

the next minute his pants tent up and he starts to cry. 

I've got to move!!! 

I do not want to stay in this situation. 

My friend is right. 

I guess it is a choice to follow legal agreements. 

Legal agreements sometimes do not mesh with the law of the land. 

His name is on the Mortgage.  It is his house, too. 

I can't make him leave. 

I have to do it, don't I?

Staying here IS becoming incredibly costly. 

I'm not living in a fantasy world.

I see where I was a few years ago. 

I see what has happened to put me where I am now. 

I want to get back to the place I was a few years ago but have someone to share it with.

I want to go to all those places but have someone to share the experiences with. 

I want to kiss.

I want to hold hands. 

I want someone to torment under the tables of fancy restaurants.  

I want someone to take home for dessert.

I don't have that now. 

That's what is missing in my life. 

That's what I want.

I just can't figure out how to make the transition out of this mess into a new life due to the damage I sustained in the past two years. 

I guess I'm supposed to just jump right into this new life and see what happens. 

The stalking, thieving, lying, and other baloney will have to end sometime. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit 'round midnight the next day:

I went to a consignment shop bought two dresses. 

One is a hot pink, designer, low cut dress.  It was on sale.  I scored it for $4.50.   It is a winter/early spring dress.  I can't wait to wear it.  It will look hot with one of my blazers.  

The other is a skirt set, both in peach.   The skirt is reversible, so one side is peach and the other is pink. 

The shirt is so sheer that people saw my  areolas, so I had to go to the mall for underwear before I could wear the shirt. 

I did and it was good.   

I also bought two negligees (one hot pink and one teal) and two pairs of matching racy undies.  I also scored black and gray lace undies, too.  

The clerk said he felt sinful ringing up those purchases.   He must've been new. 

They are HOT!

So....life is good now. 

I also bought some Egyptian Musk and soap.  The Musk is for my rituals to Isis and Osiris.  The soap....the soap is from Nigeria.  I have a hard time finding it. 

I blew through the $60.00.  I got quite a bit. 

Life is fun again. 

Sigh.....

I think I'll wash my new undies with cloves. 

That is supposed to give a lady a fun time. 

They say men who want you will jump on you if you wash your undies with cloves. 

I've never tried it. 

What the heck. 

If it works, I'll post the spell but omit the sordid details.