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Doorknobs and Gas Fumes

 
 
Today I am thankful for doorknobs and gas fumes.
 
 
I had a bad day at mediation.  It was passive aggressive city.  My ex sat there crying and saying that he wanted me to have every little thing.  He wanted to argue about every little thing.  He said that I needed all the holidays because I'm the only one that celebrates them (NO!).  
 
After about an hour, I told the lawyer to type everything up like most couples do it and we'll go over it next week.  We'll split custody.  She'll figure out the assets and one of us is going to move out! 
 
I was tired of the game.  That plan sounds good to me.  
 
I couldn't take it anymore. 
 
I told him I want my car fixed or I would ask for the sportscar.   My old van has a massive gas leak which is worse when the weather hits 90 degrees. 
 
I can't drive it without getting sick.
 
I start getting dizzy. 
 
I get high. 
 
I get physically sick.
 
Then I get dirty!!! 
 
 
 
I was in rare form today.  I had to pull over and run into a hardware store to get some air. 
 
 
What had my attention? 
 
 
Doorknobs. 
 
 
Yep, you saw that right.  I like the sight of doorknobs. 
 
 
I noticed the ones with the rounded heads and how some of them had a little ridge underneath. 
 
 
It was neat. 
 
 
When I made it home, I saw that all of the woodworking projects that I took on had the exact same kind of knobs. 
 
 
I took on woodworking as a hobby because the word makes me blush. 
 
 
As a teen, it made me giggle when people asked me what I liked to do and I'd reply "fly fishing and woodworking."  If the guy turned red, I'd ask him out. 
 
 
I came home higher than a kite. 
 
 
The house smelled of gas fumes. 
 
 
I fainted. 
 
 
I found myself in my bed. 
 
 
I was asked what I was thinking about and I told my ex that I am thinking about the little ridge on the underside of all the knobs on the dressers.   I told him that I always liked that shape.  I always liked running my fingers slowly around the ridge around the doorknob. 
 
He can't walk well now. 
 
He was a gentleman -but- now, he says.....he wants to reconcile. 
 
 
Ugh!!! 
 
 
I asked what would happen if I got high enough to touch someone else I really loved, would the relationship be over in his mind. 
 
 
The answer was yes. 
 
 
Now, that I'm thinking a little bit clearer, I'm going to start looking for an apartment.  He's probably not going to leave the house. 
 
 
I realized that during mediation.  The agreement is what is going to be filed with the court.  There is no guarantee that he'll follow it at all. 
 
 
The government cannot truly mediate our dispute.  The government cannot dictate when this marriage is over nor can it dictate when it began.  Only we can do that. 
 
 
I think that is something my friend has been trying to explain to me for nearly three years.  Gosh darn it!!  I'm super slow!!! 
 
There is an answer.  
 
I'm gonna have to move out and I'm gonna have to move on. 
 
This is weird. 
 
I'm off to go to bed to dream of the taste of woodworking. 
 
I miss that!! 
 
Love ya,
 
S. 


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