Emergency Rooms

Today I am thankful for emergency rooms.

 

I've been sick since mid-July.

 

It's worse this weekend.

 

I haven't been able to hold down water for 48 hours.

 

I couldn't even have a taste of my peach vodka.

 

My ex took the kids yesterday and noticed that I was sick.

He ran up to me.
He kissed my forehead. 
He said I had a fever. 
Then he apologized and promised to never kiss me again.
He promptly sent me off to bed before leaving with the kids. 

 

He dropped them off at 2:00 a.m. and refused to leave me alone.

 

He moved the books from my bed and lay beside me.

 

He was fully clothed.

 

I was too sick to sleep or move or anything.

 

I heard him complain that he thought I was pregnant.
 

It's been over six years since I've.....
you know...

 

It's going to be much longer since I'm attracting game playing clowns into my life.

My ex reached out to hold me.
That was a dangerous move. 

I reeked of the smell of stomach acid. 

He started to cry.
He said that he missed me. 
I don't think he slept at all.

I left and fell asleep on the floor by the bathroom.
I was incredibly sick.

 

I made the mistake of trying to drink water.

 

I still can't move well.

 

If he'd have touched me, he'd have gotten a very disgusting surprise.

 

I'm really sick.

 

I'm hallucinating to the point of seeing flower patterns in my dry skin.

 

I'm having migraines and vertigo.

 

I may end up in the ER again.

 

I've had a lot of time to think about logistics.

 

Logistics is the biggest problem in my life. 

I don't know how to work around having an ex share a domicile with me.
His basement apartment has the home gym and the exercise equipment.

The stalking crap.....ugh....
The hiding money crap....ugh...
The messing around with the van crap.....ugh...

 

If I could work around the crap,

 

my life would change in an instant.

 

I'd have a real job.

 

I'd have a real love.

 

I'd find the means to be alone with said love.

 

But now...

 

I have to find the logistical ability to get medical help.

 

Love ya,

S.

 



 

Edit five hours later:

 

I'm feeling better.  I'm hyped up on blood thinners and sleeping pills.  I've averaged about two hours of sleep per day since I got sick in July.  This is supposed to help. 

 

I get to sleep alone tonight.  That will help, too. 

 

The ex is going on and on about wanting me back, then wanting a divorce, then wanting me to go to the hospital. 

 

He was lucky, today.  I was a captive audience.  I couldn't speak because I was so sick.  I did hear just about everything he said.

 

Thankfully, he admitted offering me thousands of dollars to run off with a friend was stupid. 

 

He didn't apologize, but, I'm happy he realized that he was being a tad bit moronic.  Now, if I can just get him to count to ten before calling his family to bitch about me (which is what I think is leading to the stalking), I'd feel a little safer. 

 

At least I'm not in pain. 

That is how life should be. 

 

 

I held down a can of seltzer water.  My skin is looking pretty good! 

 

 

So, all is well that ends well. 

 

 

I'm still hallucinating though.  I don't want to write about what I am seeing.  I think it is my mind trying to sort through feelings that I am having. 

 

 

They're wrong.  My emotional state is wrong. 

 

 

If my feelings were right, there would be no pretentiousness. 

 

 

It would only be authenticity. 

 

 

I'll pray about that tomorrow. 

 

 

If I were the one, he could be himself.  That's all I want, a man who can be himself around me. 

 

 

Twenty-two years with someone diagnosed as NPD has taught me that authenticity is hot.  Fake is NOT! 

 

 

Be yourself, no one can do you quite like you do.   By that, I mean act like the unique person they are (not mess around with Rosie....but I know....some of you guys....were thinking about Rosie). 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S.