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Stability

Today I am thankful for stability.


Today I wanted to live like I took my power back. 

We haven't come to a property settlement yet, so my ex still has control of all the money. 

This is posing a problem but I can work around it. 

I'll just sell more of my stuff to live. 

I decided to look for a car today. 

I found a couple of possible vehicles. 

I'm staring at a mid nineties Honda Civic with 117K, a new tranny, timing belt, brakes and tires.

It's ugly as sin but runs like a dream.  He doesn't want too much for it (less than the my remaining musical instruments are worth).  If the mechanic likes it, it's mine.

If not....I'll keep looking.

As of today, I'm going to do what I want and see how it pans out. 

Ending this relationship has taken far too long. 

I'm still unsure whether or not my ex will do something to stop the divorce.  I'm going to have to get my hands dirty to get him to leave me alone.  I need to do something that will ruin me in his eyes.

Of course, with that thought, my dirty mind gets engaged and I start thinking like a nut job.  I won't type those things anymore. 

Acting like a nut job isn't really a good thing either.  I'll cut the crazy act.  I think that only serves to bring him closer. 

No more writing about doorknobs, eclairs, milk and straws. 

I've got much more important things to write about. 

And yeah....I'll stop pushing men away.   Maybe if I quit doing that, there will be no question that I'm over it.

I didn't want a relationship when I started "dating" my ex in '92.  I didn't want a relationship when I started "dating" the guy before that in '87'.   I think I attracted mean people to me because I was dripping negativity and pushing the nice ones away. 

I'll stop acting like that.  

Besides, men take me at face value.  Perhaps it is time to return the favor.

The last two relationships were both supposed to be rebound relationships.  I swear up and down that I won't have a rebound this time.  When I stop to think about it, I don't have rebound relationsips.   If my rebounds last 5+ years, are they really rebounds?  Maybe not....

I'll stop worrying about that, too. 

I'm just going to live one flippin' day at a time.  

Que sera sera....

Just because I don't know what is going to happen, doesn't mean that I can't read a book once in a while!! 

Did I ever tell you what object reminds me of men the most? 

Ooooh....the answer would make me sound like a nutjob. 

I'll tell you anyway. 

Children's touchy feel-ly books.  You know, those books ones that teach children the feel of different textures. 

You have pages describing soft, hard, smooth, rough, and so on. 

All you want to do is touch out of the sheer curiosity of it all. 

Sigh......

Okay, there will be NO more of that.

I swear, I'll try my darndest not to sound like a crazy cat anymore. 

I'll try!!!

Love ya,

S.

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