Today I am thankful for the joy in my heart.
I'm worried that this could soon become a curse.
After spending Thursday evening with my friend, I have felt so much love. I swear, my skin glows. I feel beautiful. I feel happy.
I was cleaning out my car and realized why I broke out in a cold sweat the day we were together. I have hypoglycemia and can't eat or drink large amounts of sugar.
What I thought was a Diet Pepsi Max turned out to be a 20oz bottle of Regular Pepsi. The bottles look the same to me!!!
I drank 10 oz of corn syrup!! No wonder I was sick!
I still functioned and didn't go into sugar shock. Or maybe nervousness and shakiness is my normal mode of behavior around my friend, so I didn't notice.
That certainly explains a lot.
Note to self: Never visit a vending machine without eyeglasses.
Got it!
*****
So....Steve has become the leading man in my dreams. My last thought of the night is usually a prayer for his happiness. My prayer for his happiness is the first coherent thought of the day.
I think the girl is in love.
For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful.
I feel happy and I want to share that joy with everyone else.
I even blog about it elsewhere on a daily basis. It's a little affirmation blog.
What's the problem, you ask?
Well.....
I realize that my ex's little passive aggressive crap, the arguing, the messes, the refusing to cooperate with me to finalize the divorce by arguing over details.....well...it is intended to keep me here a little longer.
It is intended to keep me from forming a stronger connection with my friend.
My ex is making a lot of promises that he will never keep. He promises to go into therapy but he's never called a shrink. He's promising to clean up his crap but he won't. Hell, he's supposed to be moving out!
He's left me several times over the past fifteen years. Each time he presents me with a list of things he'll do (e.g. get therapy, let me work, stop messing with the car, and so on). Nothing ever comes of that list.
He's doing that again.
This is bizarre.
When Steve left and I didn't think I'd ever see him again, my ex agreed to divorce me. He agreed to sign the papers and get it over with. He even told the judge that he needed to push this through.
Now that Steve has returned, my ex is dragging his feet and making overtures at me.
My ex started sleeping apart from me in 2001. We haven't been together since 2008. Why would he try to do this now?
He's had a lot of time to take care of whatever keeps him from me.
*****
If I feel beautiful, if I feel sexy, if I exude joyful energy -
that came from Steve.
Steve should be the benefactor of this, not my ex.
This thought is causing me pain.
I'm beginning to worry that I'll lose my friend and won't find a way out of this hell hole.
That thought makes the depression start seeping in.
I'm not sure that I can live this way.
*****
I don't know what to do.
I went through my emails and saw that Steve had offered to take me camping on my birthday weekend. Then I saw that he wrote that he sent the email by mistake.
Maybe that was an invite to someone else.
Usually, I wouldn't even consider going camping with a guy who I haven't had a sexual relationship with. When you go camping with someone, they see you at your worst. They see you with messy hair. If they get too close, they can smell your morning breath. They see you without make-up.
It takes a little bit of time to get to that point.
I remember during my party animal days, I literally slept with little wrapped pieces of gum tucked in my padded bra so NO ONE could smell my morning breath. I used henna on my lashes, so I wouldn't have to put mascara on everyday and actually (embarrassingly) stained my cheeks and lips with beet juice, so I never needed lipstick or blush.
Gosh, I was a vain little brat, wasn't I?
Steve has actually seen me without make-up and he didn't gasp in horror. He's seen me at my worst and just went with it. My ex used to pick fights with me if he knew I were going somewhere Steve would be. Those fights make me physically ill. I dare admit to actually becoming so sick en route that I had to go wash the make-up off of my face in grocery store bathrooms.
Steve has seen me a writhing, shaky mess. It was okay. He just let me sit silently and collect myself.
Maybe....this isn't such a bad thing.
The camping trip is making me think about a couple of things.
My birthdays have typically involved violent fights that cause me to run off and spend the day with my parents at their grave site. I actually spent my 40th birthday hiding in my mini-van in a parking lot to avoid my ex's wrath. He always wants the day to be special for me. He never plans anything and gets violent due to the disappointment.
I'd rather just not celebrate.
It would be nice to share the day with my best friend.
I am terrified that my leaving will cause my ex to be rude to the kids but maybe I do need to get away from the craziness and the pain.
Maybe, I need to ignore the divorce agreements and move out. The awkwardness is that we still cohabit. Until there is a change in residential status, there will be little hope of moving on.
I'm finding myself very confused right now. If people only told the truth about what they wanted and what they expected, the world would make a heck of a lot more sense!
*****
Wouldn't it be lucky to find myself in a position where my best friend is a true love?
I am almost in a place where I can find out.
Maybe the Gods are telling me to consider the gifts they send my way.
I owe Eros a debt of thanks. It is beautiful that such a man exists, even if he isn't with me.
I find that to be a humbling thought, indeed.
Love ya,
S.