Today I am thankful for YouTube viewers; they have a way of putting things in perspective.
Yes, they can be obnoxious.
They can also be quite inspiring.
Several years ago, after spending time trying to convince an adorable old flame that he was hot enough to find someone to love, I decided to put up a series of self-help videos on YouTube.
I wrote them for him, hoping that Mr. Scorpio would do the following up on me thing. That kind of quiet stalking is okay.
It's the threatening little old lady stalking, pulling a gun on the neighbors while spreading malicious gossip, and messing up my car with a gps box stalking that I hate.
If I put something on the web,
using my real name and not claiming that it is fiction...
it's okay to quote me, share, or whatever....
I have a free series on attracting love and a free series on dating....I had a series about female O's but that didn't mesh too well with my conservative political aspirations, so I took it down.
I had a woman write me a long letter about how I inspired her to go out and date and how it has brought a lot of love into her life.
I was reading it in my Gmail account.
One the chat function in my Gmail account are the avatars of every man who has every seen me naked and the one that I am....uh....crushing on.
As I glanced to the names on the left, the reality of the situation set in and my vertigo hit. The only phrase that came to mind was
"Physician Heal Thyself."
I can't sleep. I vacillate between desire and feeling insecure about my sexuality. I know that this is not uncommon for women who have been in sexless marriages but I never thought it would happen to me. There is no greater pain than being rejected by a partner....except being ridiculed and sexually demeaned by him. I am tempted to go in for cosmetic surgery.
I've been eating too much chocolate. I have to stop that or I will sleep alone for the rest of my life!
I went to another lawyer. He said I needed a restraining order. No one believes that my in-laws are stalking me, they all point to my ex. I hate to think he's lying to me....again.
Can I move on without getting shot?
My ex told me that my new friend makes me as giddy as I was as a kid.
I feel so pretty when I smile. My friend makes me smile.
He comes up with some argument that is so over my head that I have to order specialized books on the topic just to catch up....
instead of embarrassing me...
he posts cute and funny pictures to change the subject.
How can I not love that?
Here's the rub...
with tears in his eyes, my ex told me to run and find happiness with my friend.
It's too early for that.
I can't drag any of my friends through my baggage. Few know what is going on. The only men who know about the stalking are the ones that have been targeted or were with me during an incident.
I don't see how I can involve anyone right now.
The loneliness kills. In the past, I thought my loyalty would pay off. I thought my ex could get help and keep his promise to work things out. I'm beginning to realize that will be the day that I die.
It has been this way since I was 30 years old! My mother-in-law and her daughter spread some horrible gossip and it ruined my marriage. I thought they'd clear it up. They refuse but are not above calling here and gloating about it. They know they lied. It's stinks. They want me gone. It is high time that wish came true.
Thirteen years....many of my friends have been married and divorced in that span.
I've stayed here...in pain...trying to do the right thing.
This evening, I overheard my ex refer to me as his wife. He was asking someone what kind of gun to buy me.
What in the world is going on with that man?
I'm so confused. My stomach hurts. I've been swallowing bile for five hours now.
I have triple the ex guilt...
Heaven help me as I sleep another night alone...
It's time to make a decision -and- follow my own advice.
I've spent half of my adult life alone.
Love ya,
S.