Friends and Space

Today I am thankful for my friends that allow me space.  

I don't know if I want to share the insight of my pagan friend Ann.  

I might.  

I might not.  

She's on the east coast.  She's beautiful.  I mean, she is drop dead gorgeous.  

She's a sweetie.  

She's a single mom.  

She's looking for love.  

A couple of years ago, around Valentine's day, we struck a deal.  We were going to light little red candles every New Moon Friday and ask for the kind of love we want.  

I want a guy who will be my partner and sees a future with me. 

I want a guy who won't be intimidated by me (so he has to be smarter). 

I want a guy who is honest, fun, sweet, loves kids and won't abuse animals.  

I want a guy who likes the kind of adventures that most people don't discuss in mixed company.  

Now, when I started this, I honestly thought about getting my ex back. I don't think this is what the universe wants for me.  He had left me yet again due to his issues with his family.  He claims to have slept in his car while he was gone and pleaded to be allowed to come into the house.  He wrote me a three page letter promising to let me hold a job, save money for our retirement, get help so we could be together some day and so on.  Like a dolt, he came back but became more controlling than ever.

He doesn't love me.  

Every new moon we lit our candles and we'd report on what happened.  She had the same guy call her up within a day.  

My ex never really came back in spirit.  He never left the house since I started lighting the candles but he never came back to me as a partner.

So, I had assumed it wasn't working.

Ann, though, pointed out that it was.      

I had a friend flirt with me.  The same guy would invite me places or rescue me when it was apparent that I had gotten lost.  

He also ate breath mints that sat in my car.  I was so embarrassed when I tried one weeks later.  It tasted like Channel No. 5.  He didn't say a word.  That was pretty endearing.  

I became frustrated because I hadn't gotten my ex's attention at all.  He was still a control freak who didn't give a hairy rats arse what I wanted or needed.  

Don't even get me started on the frustration piece.  I mean, I actually had an adviser comment that I had the aura of a chick who had not been banged in years.  I will never forget that as long as I live.  

What the heck did he see in me?  

I don't know.  

I don't want to know.  

Well..

Ann, bless her soul, asked me if anyone else had been coming around.  I couldn't think of who.  

I wasn't meant for love.  

This new moon was on a Friday.  I didn't think to do the candle thing.  I was too pre-occupied.  

My friend had told me he loved me and I realized that I had been the chick upsetting him on facebook over the past several months.  

I stopped crying about it around noon today but my stomach is still doing flips.  

I noticed that he hasn't unfriended me or told me to take a flying leap off of a giant building without a parachute.  He hasn't made fun of me.  That's what he does when he thinks he's been spurned.  His criticisms hurt because they are actually quite true.  He doesn't B.S.  

It dawned on me that he is giving me space.  

No one has ever done that for me before.  

I still don't think he could put up with me for very long.  Friendship takes a long time to develop.

He may not be able to stand me.

He may not like that I light candles when I pray.  

He may not like that I used to make wine out of damaina and cinnamon for my special friend so that we feel...uh...snuggly.  I think I wore that trick out years ago.      

He may not understand that I make my own cosmetics, soap, and have an arsenal of medicinal herbs in my closet.  I don't use mmj.  I've got lots of other stuff, though.  

He may not understand why people send me things from haunted houses.  Actually, I don't understand that one either.  I may end up sending those to a museum or giving them away on pagan websites. .  

He may not like that I am a spiritual nutcase practicing a religion that worships sensuality.  My celibacy is sacrilegious   I wish my ex understood that.  I guess when you're young and horny, that makes you want to get married to her right away.  When you're middle aged and not sleeping because you eat too many strawberries, it can pose a bit of a problem.  

I'd rather be faithful to a man, even if I offend my deity in the process.  I value fidelity.  I've got to have documentation freeing me before I can even look at another naked guy.  This has led to some hysterical moments, such as the time a perverted jewelry maker sent me a photo of himself wearing a beaded piece that I bought from his website.  He decided to model it on his member.  Up until that day in 2004, I had not glanced at another man's package since 1991.  

I was so pissed off.  That pervert broke my prude record! I learned that day to never buy jewelry from strange websites owned by men.  

My ex still makes fun of me for that.

I promised to forsake all others....I just expected him to keep his promises to me.

Things happen for a reason.

Maybe I had to go through this so that I could learn to value honesty and integrity.  Maybe this is my lesson to realize what I value in men and what makes them beautiful to me.  

And, maybe, this is my lesson that hiding who I am is quite dishonest.

My friend teaches me quite a bit about myself.  I feel bad because I feel like an energy vampire around him.  I steal his lessons.  I fear getting close due to my negativity.  I envision myself encased around a big, black sticky ball of tar.  I don't want to let anyone close for fear of it rubbing off on them.  

I guess I do need space.  

Space will give me time to figure out what is going on and what I can do.  

Still, you know, it may be a good idea to explore the friendship piece before the other.  I mean, he may not value the things that I do.  I'm thinking about what ruined my first relationship.  He fell in love with me.  Several months later, he noticed that I had a lot of hypnosis books in my house.  He told me that it was going to cause me to go to hell and he tried to get me to change my religion.  That was the beginning of the end. 

Maybe I need to be more open about who I am, so my friend can make an informed decision.  

I am not mainstream at all.  He may not like that.  

I appreciate the gift of space.  

I thank my dear friend for that.  

If I take too long, I know a hotter chick is going to snap him up.  Maybe he should consider lighting little red cinnamon candles with a note underneath declaring what he wants.  

It seems to work for me.  

Right now, I value his happiness over anything else.  That's how I know it is love.  

Love ya, 

S.