Today I am thankful for the lack of cold days in Hades.
My ex asked me if he had a chance with me.
I asked him to explain what that meant.
He wants to be able to be my sex partner...someday...
He wants to sleep with me....someday.
I told him no.
He had several chances with me. He's been telling me to 'f*ck off' since the day we married. I'm tired of it.
Sex is important to me. My idea of sex usually involves activities that keep one far to busy to utter the phrase EFF off. If my mouth is full, I can't complain. If he's having fun, he shouldn't either.
He pushed me away. He told me all women were stupid. He told me I didn't count in our relationship, so he wasn't going to listen to me.
The way he treated me due to his mother's behavior ruined our relationship.
He will never be were he once was.
Never.
If a judge says that we cannot afford to divorce and asks me to stay for the sake of the kids, I'll stay for the sake of the kids. No judge in his right mind would tell me to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I've been alone since 2000. He left me when his mother spread rumors about me. He came back and it has never been the same.
In 2001, he said he wanted to stay married so his mother couldn't sue for visitation.
We agreed to have a fake marriage somewhere around 2002.
In 2005, the legislature changed the law giving grandparents rights to their grandchildren through their biological children. No longer could they sue for custody in the event of a divorce or legal separation unless their son lead the charge.
In 2006, he called me his ex.
In 2008, he asked me to stay until he found a job. He left me that year. He came back a week later and promised me the sun and the moon. Nothing changed.
He left me again in 2010. Again, I let him back in the house when he wrote me a three page letter promising me that I could hold a job without fear of stalking. Nothing changed.
In 2012 he found a job, so I prepared to leave and found that he gutted our finances and my credit.
Now I'm waiting for the bankruptcy to be completed.
Whenever we had problems about the marriage, he'd storm off saying it didn't mean anything to talk about it because we were divorcing anyway.
Nature abhors a void. Someone filled most of the one in my heart. Someone makes me smile again. Someone else makes me wake up in the morning, even if it is to read something over my head so I can make sense of something he said. Someone else is giving me cause to get out of the house, even if it is to a library. Someone else is making me feel beautiful.
Now that I am interested in another man, my ex is starting to refer to me as his wife and says that wants me back.
My ex only wants me when I want someone else.
I can't hurt my friend. I didn't expect this to happen. I thought my feelings for him were unrequited. I thought my friendship and belief in him would be enough.
It's not.
I don't want to risk touching him and making us fall deeper into a potential mess until I get it somewhat cleaned up. I feel like I'm leading him on. I wish for an answer.
No matter what I do, I'm going to hurt him if I don't clean this up soon. I've hurt him enough already.
It is making me feel quite depressed.
My ex wants to know why he doesn't have a chance.
I told him that love is like a plant.
It grows and grows. It has to be tended. The garden has to be weeded. Plants need oxygen.
Every time we had an issue, I felt like he cut me down to the point where there was nothing left.
Someone else is helping me grow now and I can't help but love him. I thought I our friendship could be enough but it is not.
Then, my ex started to cry and told me to go to my friend. He said that he got the sense that three people were hurting, so I may as well go so two of us could be happy.
He always knew how to induce guilt.
I'm not sure my friend is completely unhappy. I'm sure he is entertaining other women.
Sweet men do that, don't they?
Sigh....
I don't know what to do.
The stalking...how do I get past the stalking?
It's hard for me to believe that his sister can stalk me without his help.
The crying in the middle of the night....the waking up with panic attacks...
How do I stop that?
I feel trapped and do not know what to do.
I'll continue to pray about it.
If things were meant to be between my friend and I, it would be easier.
Wouldn't it?
Sigh....
Love ya,
S.