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Soul Destroying Questions

Today I am thankful for questions. 


I have one that's been eating into my soul for three days now. 

Do you want to know the question? 

NO?

I'll tell you anyway.

Drum roll please....okay, if my computer weren't acting up, I'd upload a nice little drum roll for you. 

but....since it's acting nuts...you're out of luck. 

Here it is:
 
Would I rather be happy or righteous?
 
 
This is the question that's making me dive into the chocolate. 
 
I eat chocolate when I'm hurting. 
 
This is the origin of my new found cognitive dissonance. 
 
I'm trying to watch a three hour video on a damaged computer with a flash issue.  It's not going well. 
 
I couldn't get past the first ten minutes without crying. 
 
Would I rather be happy?  Or righteous? 
 
I am doing crap to make self-righteous boob jobs happy. 
 
I gave up my business due to stalking. 
 
I screen all my calls. 
 
I clean up after a man who doesn't love me. 
 
I went back because a bunch of senators convinced me it was the right thing.  It didn't work out well.  He betrayed me financially. 
 
I did the righteous thing. 
 
I'm not happy. 
 
I was happy. 
 
My in-laws say that I care too much. 
 
I probably do. 
 
That is why I can't stop crying. 
 
I promised to do a Google+ hangout today. 
 
I saw myself on the screen. 
 
You can tell I'm sad. 
 
My face is going to freeze this way. 
 
 
I'm not happy. 
 
 
No one is happy. 
 
 
I still cry myself to sleep at night.  I packed away my books.  I packed away my shoes.  I'm packing up my clothes. 
 
I don't know what else to do. 
 
I'm going to try to sleep tonight. 
 
I can't. 
 
I am realizing that I've let the pain get so bad that I'm not my normal happy self.  It has sucked the joy out of my existence.  Everything used to be fun.  Public speaking was fun.  Tormenting political a-holes was fun.  Writing was fun.  Hypnotizing passengers while riding public transportation was fun.  Shoveling the walk for the neighbor was fun. 
 
Life was fun. 
 
I chased the one person who gave me moments of peace and precious moments of joy out of my life. 
 
I have to stop that. 
 
It's rare that I find someone that makes me feel safe. 
 
Oh, crap....there is a black cat crying outside my window.   
 
That's a bad omen. 
 
Maybe I need to give an offering of fish to the cat in payment for completion of the wish I made to Isis and Osiris yesterday.  I think I have some cod around here. 
 
Let me see what it needs.

Maybe if one of us is happy, I'll feel better.
 
Love ya,
 
S. 
 
 
 
 
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