Assertiveness

Today I am thankful for my ability to say NO! 

Drunken Scorpios scare me, especially on Skype.  

One of my November friends proposed to me in the wee hours of the morning.  He's five years younger than I.  He calls me his cougar.  

Oh, gawd...NO! 

I'm trying to get out of a legal marriage as it is.  Another one does not sound appetizing at all.  

My friend and I have never met in person.  We have five years of Twitter, Facebook and Skype under our belts.  

Nothing else....

Nothing.... 

He's a gentleman.  I've never seen much more than his face, neck and typing hands.    

He may have seen a little cleavage.  

How does he know that I'm not a train wreck underneath my blouse?  

How does he know I don't have the same equipment he has?  

I don't....but he wouldn't know that. 

Why would men ask such a thing without seeing what they're buying?

I think the idea came about four years ago when someone asked if we were hitched.  His first name is similar to my middle name.  He and I have the same last name.   

So, when he asked if I'd make him a groom, I told him that I would only marry him if I could officiate the ceremony.  

He laughed.  And, just like a typical Scorpio he has to examine why I claim to hate marriage when I've stayed in a dead marriage thirteen years after the seven year itch killed it.  

I have to ask why I always end up playing housemaid and cook rather than a spoiled, handcuffed plaything subsisting on protein shakes and kisses.   

Of course, I never ask that out loud.  

It is what it is.  

Men find out that I like to clean and they propose.  I feel like they are offering me a job.  

At least my friend helped me pinpoint what I am afraid of having happen again.

I don't want to play mother to a grown man.  

He knows about the stalking.  He helped put an end to it on Twitter.  He's getting worried and trying to convince me to move to the east coast.  He may be right.  I may be in danger.  

I just don't know what to do.  

I think I'm in love with a Lion in the Rocky Mountains.  

I don't know....I mean...I honestly thought he was interested in someone else.  I'm not sure we are compatible.  I am stuck.  I don't know how to get out of the mire.  

I certainly don't want anyone waiting for me.  Sex is medicine to men.  If he can get it somewhere else in a safe fashion, I'd tell him to go for it.  

Live for today.  

I know he's baiting me.  Do I bite?

I don't know.  If it is meant to be, it'll happen without game playing.

It'll all shake out in the end the way it has to be.  

Maybe I'll end up an obsessed cat lady.  

Maybe I'll just live alone.  

Time will tell.  

Love ya, 

S.

Edit some time later: 

Neither one of these guys can possibly be right for me.

I don't know....

Love is like shopping for a new bass.

You shop around and, yeah, there a lot of nice looking basses.

Few of them actually sound nice; some are tinny, some are scratchy, some have frets that get in the way.

Some that sound nice are too heavy.  Others are too thin that when you slap the darn thing, it moves all over the place.

It's hard to find the one that fits right.

Oh, how I love musical instruments but I am so much pickier when it comes to men.

I can't get over the fact that the guy I have feelings for made fun of my voice after he caught me talking to a young kid confused about his political orientation and a homeless man selling newspapers on the street corner.

He can't be right for me.  

If he were, he'd understand who I am.  He'd understand why I do political outreach and why I talk to homeless people.  He'd let me to that without feeling threatened.

I know he apologized the only way he knew how.  He told an Aesop's tale.  In graduate school, I studied hypnotic teaching tales.  He made his point, whether or not he wanted to.

He thought he was out of  my league.  I was sour grapes making him whine.

To be sure, he was the only man within three years of my age to proposition me in years.  Usually, the guys are much younger or much older.  It is refreshing knowing someone my own age.

He also grew up within a few miles of the house where I spent most of my childhood.  He gets little nuances that guys on the other side of the tracks won't understand.  It is a lower middle class neighborhood.  The value is hard work, education, and not showing off crap you can't afford. 

Something is wrong....if it weren't....I wouldn't hesitate.

Maybe I'm just being negative.  Maybe if I use my bass analogy, I just need to get tuned into my friend and hear him a little more.

Then when I am absolutely sure I should run my friend off or buy him a membership to a dating site, I see his picture and miss him. 

What the heck is wrong with me? 

Love ya,

S.