Today I am thankful because I realized why I do not want to be in a romantic relationship.
It is due to jealousy.
I didn't realize how bad insecure men were until I was stalked while meeting my high school sweetheart for lunch at a pizza joint in 2011. His name is Thomas. He had broken his leg and I was trying to use covert hypnosis on him to help him with the pain. I wasn't successful. I tried to hold back my tears when he talked about all of the injuries he had endured on his adventures in the two years we hadn't seen each other. He spent a half hour trying to get me to think about happy things because he always knew when I was close to crying.
Thomas was my best friend in high school. He was there when my dad died. He was there for me when my grandmother and aunt died. He was my rock. I wanted to be there for him, too.
I can't imagine why Michael would be jealous of Thomas. I had not seen his third leg since 1987. He decided I wasn't his type when we were 17.
Seriously....nothing...was....going...to...happen.
Besides, my ex-husband started calling me his ex five years previously. We knew a divorce was imminent. I can not understand why Michael would have anyone follow me if his aim was to unload me anyway.
I was stalked, threatened, harassed, and followed when I met Thomas. In the restaurant my former sister-in-law (Shannon) and her fiance (Doug) watched us eat and talk. I walked Thomas out to his car because it was icy. Being the manly man he is, he protested the entire way. Upon him driving off, Doug approached me, grabbed my shoulder and called me Satan. A crowd of businessmen had gathered around us. Doug let go. I walked off.
As I walked off, I checked my voice mail. Michael had called and left a message wondering if I was okay. He said he had a feeling that he should call to check up on me.
Later I learned that Doug had been going to my office to harass my colleagues and to try to get personal information about me and what I did during my working hours.
I have not been the same since I learned that Michael was behind the stalking. The cops, a private investigator and two therapists are telling me that he has to be the perpetrator.
I do not trust my judgment in men anymore. How could I know someone intimately for a quarter of a century and not know they were prone to stalking?
I must be stupid.
*****
Just in case you are wondering, I have not spoken one word to Thomas since that day. It's probably for the best. I did write to him to ask if the stalkers approached him that day. He said no. That was the last communication we had.
*****
I had a therapist and a cop tell me that women in relationships shouldn't meet with men alone in public.
Since that day, I have turned down numerous lunch meetings with unmarried male publishers, reporters, authors, hypnotists, and one music agent.
I don't want to be stalked again.
I never want to be stalked.
No relationship = no jealousy = no stalking.
Yeah.....
I thought it was a Michael thing.
Steve started to exhibit a bit of jealously, too.
I am now wondering if, perhaps, I make men feel insecure in relationships.
*****
I am now wondering if, perhaps, I make men feel insecure in relationships.
*****
I have a handsome, pagan, Leo, bass playing, political activist friend who apparently is into science fiction like I am. I've got to tell you, some women like diversity in relationships. We want someone who is different and can spice things up a bit. If we find a man too much like us, he feels like a brother. This wonderful handsome guy,who reminds me of the best aspects of myself, feels like a brother to me. I feel protective of him on some weird level.
When I first met my friend, he was well over 300 pounds.
He's also Scottish. The last time I saw him, his kilt nearly fell off because he has lost a lot of weight!
He's looking pretty cute. I hope he finds an available lady to match that cuteness. There is nothing worse than seeing a sad bass player on stage. His gigs are much more fun when he's twirling around in that kilt of his. If I am a fan, why wouldn't I wish for his happiness?
I know quite a bit about the psychology of losing weight. Obesity takes a toll on a man's self-esteem. Even if he loses a ton of weight, it is a slow process. He may not notice it the way other people notice it. He may even feel the same way about himself. Changes on the outside do not necessarily correlate with changes on the inside.
I'm trying to build him up so he asks out more women. Dating is a numbers game, the more women he asks out, the more of a shot he'll have to score big. The more women that flirt with him, the better chance that his self-esteem will recover. He knows I am seeing Steve. He also knows my ex-husband wants me back. He knows there are too many men in my life. He's a good friend because he respects that.
I don't want to make anyone I love jealous. I just want my friend to be happy. It hurt me to see him dumped. I want him to make the mean chick who did that super duper jealous!
It's justice.
*****
I also have a friend's husband who complained that I flirt more with reporters than with him. I told him that I didn't flirt with him because I adored his wife.
They are in an open marriage.
I did not mean to offend my love because I used this man's wife as the excuse to exit from the conversation. Steve was upset because I didn't turn this man down because of our relationship. I said the first thing that I knew would end the conversation. I didn't mean to upset Steve. My goal was to stop talking to another man about flirting.
I don't know how to take that. Steve has managed to upset a couple of my friends with his Facebook antics. This man's wife is trying to set me up with other men. Every time she sees that I am with Steve, we go out for coffee and she counts the reasons why I should consider seeing other people.
Now, I am having doubts about my ability to judge the character of men. I have a graduate degree in psychology and couldn't figure out that I was married to a narcissist. Could I be wrong about Steve? How much sway can my friends' judgments have in my relationship? They can't have any if I do not hear what they have to say. The best way to avoid hearing their judgments is to simply avoid talking about my love life until people forget about Steve's crazy Facebook posts.
As far as my friends know, I am celibate.
I am going to keep it that way.
*****
Since Steve told me that he was hurt because I don't use him as my excuse not to flirt with married men, I have thought hard about ending the relationship and never engaging in one again.
I do not want to enter into relationships if I cannot have tea with a guy who wants to co-author a book with me or coffee with a disk jockey who wants to interview me on the air.
Seriously.......I am in a male dominated field. I am a political activist. Men are 49.98% of the population. I really doubt I can get too far in life NOT talking to men.
I'd rather be alone than broke.
*****
Today.....while meditating to Aphrodite....I was informed that she takes no pity on people who don't grab life by the balls. I am expected to use her gifts to live a little.
So....I guess....that is what I am going to do.
My ex-husband offered to split the tax refund with me. It is much less than he told me it would be. In any event, I will shortly have $1,800 to advertise my business. May this grow into something more soon.
We'll see.
Love ya,
S.