My Colleagues

Today I am thankful for my colleagues. 

I am a hypnotist and psychotherapist.  I do not see many clients in private practice anymore because of my stalker.  When I do see clients, it is usually in another therapist's office or in my unmarked office space. 


I literally fear another client being harassed by my stalking former ex and his band of troublesome family members.  I do not advertise.  I avoid television interviews.  I avoid doing anything that will irk my former in-laws. 


I am literally considering changing my name -but- my friends in the public relations game are telling me that I have a lot of equity in my identity.  I need to keep my real name.

*****

Many of my colleagues bill themselves as coaches.  Among these people, I have two dating coaches.  One works exclusively with men.  The other works exclusively with women. 


The guy who works with women, well....he actually explained to me why I am [to quote myself] "not ready to be in a relationship."


It was the topic of his newsletter this morning.  He doesn't know that I am in this boat.  I guess that doesn't matter.  He explained it well. 


He called it the Domino Effect. 

I'll try to explain it.


We finally have something that we want.  We are walking on air.  We are happy.  We are excited.


Then....we see other people with similar things lose then we start to freak out and look for problems in our relationship.  This causes us to subconsciously push them away. 


For example, if a woman finds a guy with a big ten inch who wants nothing more to do than to do the horizontal polka all day.  She feels hot.  She can't walk.  She doesn't need blush anymore.  Life is pretty darn good.


Then....she notices that some of her girlfriends are climbing the walls.  Their lovers have left for younger women.  She begins to believe that the same thing is happening to her. 


So...she focuses on every thing wrong in that fucking wonderful relationship.  She analyzes every word.  She kicks the tires to test the strength of the relationship.  She reads into everything.  She starts to have doubts and questions about this hot stud in her life.  She wants to be reassured.  She wants to know he loves and lusts after her.  She wants to know that he won't get used to having marathon sex sessions and wind up leaving her for someone else. 


Thus, she brings an air of uncertainly into the relationship.  Her boyfriend, on the other hand, gets tired of the constant conflict.  He gets tired of trying to reassure her.  He gets tired of having to defend every innocent thing he says to other women.


Instead of focusing on what was right in the relationship, she created problems that did not exist.  Now the focus was what was wrong. 


Her hot studly love, on the other hand, will begin to feel inadequate and say that he is not ready for a serious relationship. 


This causes them to break up. 

Why?

Well....my colleague has an answer.  The constant critiques, negativity, and criticism took away the joy he got in the relationship.  He did not feel good around her anymore. 


The problems were not real.  They were in her head.  He could not fix it.  He could not emotionally reassure her to bring the joy back.  So he left. 

*****

I really can relate to the guy in the above story.  I feel criticized.  I feel frustrated.  I feel like I am sexually inadequate.  I feel fat.  I feel stupid.  I feel like I cannot communicate.  I feel like I must be teasing all of the men on the planet. 

I feel pushed to dedicate every Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon to Steve (which, in reality, is impossible).

I did not feel this way six months ago. 

When I mention how I feel to Steve, I am told that I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling.  That those feelings are all in my head and they have nothing to do with him.  I choose to feel criticized, frustrated, sexually inadequate, fat, stupid, non-communicative, and flirtatious.

Then, I'll get another critique.


I'll try to rile him to the point of blowing a load without success.  That will make me feel worse.  I am so ugly and unskilled that I cannot get him to the point of extreme fun.  Something must be wrong with me.  I ran out to get books on how to play naked. Maybe if I lose weight I can be bouncier and hotter. 

Yes....I understand.  I choose how I feel.  I feel that this relationship that is stressing me out.  I don't know how to mitigate that stress.  In response, Steve will tell me to move into the stress and enjoy it.  That does not help my feeling criticized and confused.  It only stresses me out more. 

In response, I will try to clean up the stress in all of the other areas in my life to make room for this new relationship stress.   This causes me to give more attention to other areas of my life (rather than Steve).


If I made six figures, I could buy off my ex-husband and he'd leave me alone.  If I only had a new car, a personal assistant, a nanny, a housekeeper.....if I only could delegate some of my responsibility and minimize the odds of negativity touching me....if I could do that....then....then...I can make room for playtime!

*****

This is what I am pondering today.  .

So....I am sure that much of my inadequacy (like Steve said) is be due to issues with my perception and my thoughts.  I also agree that I would have more money if I felt that I held adequate resources (e.g. stalking logs and proof) of my stalker's antics.  If I could just get my hands on my half of the tax refund and retirement accounts that I was awarded in the divorce, then I would have more resources.


This is why I am not ready for a relationship.  I need to de-stress.  I need to clean up my mess.  I need to get my job to the point where I know when I am leaving work every Friday so I can make static plans with Steve.  Right now, everything is up in the air. 


I don't know....I think the constant criticisms compound the other stress. 
.   

I don't know what to do. 


I feel the urge to leave and not look back.


I'll give some thought to everything before I do something stupid.


I will update later.


Love ya,


S.