I am thankful for the feeling of dreams,
even if I barely remember the dreams themselves.
Last night, I binge watched Battlestar Galactica.
I have no clue why I'd do that.
It was a corny television show that fills me with memories of hanging out with my grandparents.
My grandmother would watch it with me and we'd talk about the Cowboy movies Lorne Greene stared in during her youth.
Maybe I watched it because of Dirk Benedict.
I was in the same room with him when I was ten years old. My family and I were at an amusement park in Denver. He starred in a play.
That day, someone pointed him out and mentioned to me that he did a great job despite having cancer.
Maybe that's why I felt compelled to watch....
I needed to be reminded that a cancer diagnosis didn't mean death. Even after a diagnosis, you're still alive.
We may as well live to the best of our ability during the time we have.
Or maybe - I just wanted to remember Grandma.
Or to be reminded that we all have long and arduous journeys to our personal promise land.
Or that running away....is futile.
I don't know.
******
The possibility that I have cancer is embarrassing.
This is embarrassing for me because in graduate school, my primary research was in psychoneuroimmunology. I wanted to understand the interplay between emotions and disease.
I'll be embarrassed if I die from cancer. I thought I had modified my behavior enough to keep myself well.
******
I fell asleep about 1:00 a.m.
I didn't have time to do my rituals to Aphrodite or Dionysus.
I just lit a red candle and fell asleep.
I had comforting dreams.....but I can barely remember them.
I awoke.
I couldn't remember the year.
I couldn't remember my age.
I couldn't remember the circumstances of my life.
I couldn't remember the day of the week.
When I looked at the clock, I fretted about whether or not I had to work and which job I needed to go to.
I was actually afraid I would be late to work!
For a few minutes.....
I'd forgotten the events of the past few weeks.
*******
The worst part was that I misplaced my glasses.
Because I'm basically blind without them, I lingered in bed for about an hour reflecting on the dreams I had and what little I remember of them.
I remember dreaming of being with a man who wore glasses exactly like mine.
The frames were gold, small and rectangular in shape. The man looked like me....
all I remember is his presence.
He was with me despite my busy-ness.....
I'm ignoring him as I'm running from medical appointment to medical appointment.....from job to job....from lawyer to lawyer....trying to do what I can do in the little time I had left.
His presence was familiar.
It broke my heart.
I've wasted my life being so darn busy.
There is a good chance I'm going to end my life being busy, too.
Right now.....I'm meditating to new age music (which is a funny name for it because it sounds so old and tribal). While I'm meditating I'm sending loving energy to the person in my dream.
Please be happy.
******
The next few weeks are going to be filled with medical tests and lawyer appointments.
I've got to hire an attorney to make sure the kids are okay if I don't make it.
I was late to take my aunties to lunch.
I'm never late.
I was stuck at the doctor's office awaiting advice on what to do next.
I shouldn't have told them where I was. One of them basically panicked.
This aunt and I are almost the same age. Until my grandmother passed away, we were raised as sisters.
She....she.....stated that my death would kill her.
I'd feel guilty if I left her.
Her sister, the aunt who took me in when my mother died and then promptly abandoned my sister and I thinks that vitamins are killing me. Yes, I take numerous supplements - a habit I formed at the age of 17 when I thought myself to be anorexic because food made me sick.
My first boyfriend bought me vitamins because he was afraid I'd die due to the lack of nutrition. I prefer supplements to food. A few years ago I learned why food made me sick. I'm allergic to my former diet; milk, wheat, soy, peanuts, eggs, bananas, shrimp and the list goes on. I still have no clue what to eat half of the time outside of whey protein powder.
Too much protein powder can make you gain weight.
I do drink a lot of medicinal tea, too.
Maybe my aunt is right. Maybe I am killing myself with supplements.
******
I have to fight whatever this is. I don't know yet. I'm working on my second opinion. I've been told that people with my symptoms often have Stage 3 Inflammatory Breast Cancer. That said, my new job gives me access to an encyclopedia of medical information: my symptoms could be caused by numerous other things, too.
Just in case...I have my tea.
If it helps, they didn't find anything wrong with my last blood test; it was done two months ago before I started having symptoms. I find this good news. Six years ago, there was a marker for cancer that was elevated which scared my doctor.
The count dropped after the stress died down.
Stress...it's a killer!
Live in peace to the best of your ability. Stay away from nasty people.
It'll keep you healthy.
Love ya,
S.