Today I am thankful for blood tests and nurses.
Well....
I've been having a lot of pain in a certain area of my body.
It's acting up.
It's become worse over the past three years.
I thought it was hormones -but-
the nurse thinks that it could be an aggressive form of breast cancer.
I'm supposed to go to an Urgent Care center tomorrow. The nurse doesn't think it can wait until next week.
If I miss work during the week, I will lose my job. Since I'm the only one supporting the kids, I can't miss work at all (thanks Colorado Parent Employment Project deadbeat daddy government excuse makers).
It's probably just hormones.
I mean.....
I used to eat a heck of a lot of soy.
I don't anymore.
I'm sure that the lack of soy estrogen is playing havoc with my body.
If it's real....
and I don't post very much anymore.....
I'm sure you'll know what happened.
It's strange....
I never thought my elderly aunts could outlive me!
*****
I'm off to sleep.
I have been exhausted.
I'll probably dream of the things I didn't do, people I miss and the things I regret.
I'll wonder if a guy would have caught the lump earlier if I'd just have let one.....
well.....
you know.
I didn't.
Truth be told, this is probably just one little life drama.
The tests are probably just a precaution.
It's probably nothing.
It could possibly be a false positive.
Those happen.
I was misdiagnosed with brain cancer in '89. I lived until I could get into see a neurologist who wondered why I hadn't died yet. Given the tests, he never expected to meet me.
Well...I survived because they mixed up my MRI with that of a 70 year old man. His name was James Walker. I'll never forget his name. I often wonder, if he died prematurely due to the mix up.
I hope not.
****
The strange irony of it is all is that my stalker.....
my ex's sister....
the one who followed me around with her boyfriend....
was known for the work she did running to raise money for breast cancer awareness.
I guess I have something nice I can say about her.
I just wish cancer hadn't stolen her before she could reclaim her life from her bossy relatives.
Who wants to spend their last years following their sister-in-law around for their brother?
Sigh....
That broke my heart.
*****
It's not death that scares me.
It's the diagnoses coming a few months after I lost my life insurance policy that would have set the girls up for fairly decent start in life.
I lost it when I was laid off.
I also lost my catastrophic coverage policy. It would have covered a cancer diagnosis and six months worth of wages.
I fear for the girls' financial future.
I also fear what may happen to the girls if I pass away.
Their father doesn't want to work.
He sends me emails stating that he doesn't care.
If he's stuck in rehab until they grow up,
who will take care of them?
*****
I'm realizing that this is probably nothing.
I can't afford an ER or Urgent Care visit.
I can't afford the MRI needed to diagnose it.
If I don't pay for the cost of my medical care, Colorado taxpayers will.
The hypocrisy will probably kill me faster than the cancer.
I think I'll just save up for money for an office visit, a lab test and a second opinion.
That would be the prudent thing to do.
If I'm wrong and gambling with my life, so be it.
Besides.....
I'm probably better off going without treatment, drinking my daddy's Essiac tea and praying for the best. I have all of the necessary ingredients for the tea in my herb stash. I know of a Native American shop on South Broadway that sells it premade, too.
I trust tea more than I trust medicine.
Going without treatment will ensure that I can still pay for my kids' school testing fees, feed them and keep them housed. If I save up my money, I can hire a lawyer to sell the house and leave the money for the kids.
If I lose my job or stop working due to chemo, we could lose the house and thus the kids won't have anything.
Maybe I can give the house to a trusted relative in exchange for taking care of the kids over the next few years.
I'll think about how to protect the kids.
Then, I'll tell my frenemies in the Colorado house and senate why I'm broke.
Maybe they'll gut CO-PEP and stop letting them demand that single mothers hire lawyers when they want to help the dad evade his responsibilities. They seem so misogynistic, I wonder how they treat custodial dads. Do they force them to hire lawyers? Or do they trample the non-custodial parents for a change?
It dawned on me that CO-PEP must think helping dads evade child support is okay because they feel that TANF, food stamps and Medicaid are viable survival options for families.
No. It's not a viable survival option for anyone, let alone a libertarian with a college age daughter. Even if I wanted food stamps or TANF, I'd have to force my daughter to quit school and get a job.
No. She needs to finish college.
I'll work on crafting letters.
Besides.....
I don't think I can possibly die: I've got far too much to do right now.
I sure hope it's nothing.
We'll see.
Love ya,
S.
Edit: I'll hunt for the Essiac tea recipe and post it.
Next day edit:
I rummaged through my herb stash.
I found organic mistletoe. It's allegedly toxic but supposedly helps in stimulating the immune system and lowering blood pressure.
I'm going to start drinking this daily.
I found a heck of a lot of burdock root (but I'll probably buy fresh burdock at the Asian market).
There was a baggie of slippery elm and sheep sorrel.
I couldn't find the Turkish rhubarb: unless the local Turkish market has it. Yes, there is such a place. If you go DO NOT betray any Greek ancestry......ever. They've sold me various herbs that their folklore claims helps colds (e.g. Borage) and seems to have kept me from getting sick in the past...I love that place!
They sell pretty yummy olives, too.
It seems the recipe used to have a lot of other ingredients. I couldn't find the handwritten paper on which the recipe was written so I had to find one online.
I'll post it here.
You can visit the website beneath the picture to learn how to brew it.
I'll probably just stick to the mistletoe until I know whether or not the nurse was right about the diagnosis.
I've always been a fan of Linus Pauling and used to take mega doses of vitamin C. I was told that I didn't age. I stopped doing that about five years ago when money became difficult. I've actually started to wrinkle a little bit.
Maybe $5 a month worth of ascorbic acid is not a vain habit. Apparently vitamin C is alleged to help prevent cancer.
I really don't remember getting this sick before. I have had a cold since September.
Maybe there is something to all of those supplements I used to take.
I sure hope this helps someone.
I really miss the grape vines and peach trees I grew up with. I loved eating the seeds.
Apparently, those seeds are a forbidden cancer cure - just like the mistletoe, essiac tea and vitamin C.
It's not that I don't trust doctors - it's just that....
I've been misdiagnosed with cancer before.
Cheers!