Today I am thankful for my Grandmother's wisdom about flies and vinegar.
Today around 3:15, my ex-husband demanded visitation with "his" girls on Friday.
He hasn't seen them for nearly three years.
I'm very concerned about his mental health due to some of the bizarre, reality bending things he emails and texts to me. I received several today calling me a liar.
He'll tell me that I made up the stalking (despite the letters and emails I've saved). I'm sure the police department has records of all of the phone calls. I've been stalked in front of politicians, a psychiatrist (who was friends with the mayor) and several friends. His family harassed my colleagues. It's not a secret.
My ex will tell me that I got him fired because I asked for video footage of a stalking event in July 2015. Yes, my ex-husband had a video camera in the living room that piped into his work cell phone. It recorded all of our private conversations as well as the view from the front window.
I allowed it because I wanted to know who exactly was harassing me and I wanted proof for a restraining order
That was probably a clue as to who the stalker was. I wanted so desperately to believe it wasn't him. Of course, because he refused to share the footage I started to believe the police.
They told me it was him in 2012.
If he had shared the footage, I could have seen the identity of someone who stood outside the window, turned on our garden hose, set fire to something on the porch and then cut the hose. At first, I thought the person was just smoking a cigarette but two day later, I saw burned pieces of paper on the porch.
No footage was forthcoming.
The even happened on 07/22/15 (Wednesday). He was fired late September of that year. If I remember correctly, he was told that it was because the former employee came back. One would think that he would have been fired in July or early August if it were because of my phone call.
Perhaps they found the spyware on his work phone?
Or maybe it's true that he watches porn and masturbates in inappropriate places. The day before he was fired, he told me that his company had his office searched for biological material with black lights. Of course, he told me that the biological material was bugs.
He probably lied.
I'll probably never know the truth.
*****
He is angry.
In fact, every favor I've done for him since the divorce has been met with abusive anger.
I don't want to help him any more. When I try to help him, he acts very abusively and I give up.
Today is no exception. I received a slew of obnoxious emails calling me a liar.
While all this was going on, one of the kids was injured. I was on the phone with a nurse who told me to take the kiddo to urgent care.
I drove to urgent care....all the while my ex-husband was demanding my time. When I told him what was going on, he called me a liar. I took a picture of the clinic.
Of course, he started to demand details. It's hard to talk to the doctor when your ex is harassing via text.
I asked him to text his daughter on the phone number he claims he didn't have. Somehow, she received an immediate text from him.
I'm not the liar.
He even had the unmitigated gall to tell me that I didn't have the right to end the conversation. Um....hello! We signed the divorce agreement in September of 2013. I don't owe him a conversation about my life.
The kids are old enough to refuse visitation. I told them they should visit with him.
If he threatens them or acts like a moron, he is going to cut off his nose to spite his face. They're old enough to call 911 if he flies into a rage again.
I hope he can behave himself. The worst part was that the middle kiddo, the speed reader, saw his nasty text messages flit across my screen.
She asked me why I let him talk to me like that.
I don't....not any more.
******
I was so tired of the drama that I reverted to following the parenting agreement. He never wants to follow the agreement. He wants things on his own time and on my dime.
Today, yet again, he wanted time outside of the visitation agreement -but- because I don't know about his mental health and I don't know if it's true that he's in an alcoholic rehab program and safe for him to drive....
and because his anger typically begins any stalking event
(and I've had some property damage to one of the doors this week...)
I declined to give him the extra time.
I thought about it until he sent me several nasty text messages calling me a wide variety of slurs.
I am scared of him.
If he still emotionally abuses me, I wonder if he'll do that to the kids?
I need to get them health insurance so they can get therapy. He was court ordered to provide health insurance but he won't do that.
I'm responsible for everything. I justified that thinking it was keeping the kids safe.
Due to the fear, I finally decided to follow the order to the letter until I can take him back to court. Doing that will allow me to pick up the kids if he abandons them in public again. The last time he visited them, he abandoned them in public and a local teenager had to pick them up. That was 2 3/4 years ago.
I hate to be rude but
if you want your ex-wife to do a favor for you, don't blow up her phone with abusive messages.
If I turn up dead, my stalker is up to his antics again.
Damn.....
He is angry.
Anger is behind the stalking.
It has to be.
Yes, I keep tabs on the people who visit my website. I think he uses Firefox due to the sheer number of hits I get....sigh....
*****
I'm looking for a guard dog that doesn't impact my allergies.
*****
I need to get a home loan to hire a new lawyer. I don't trust a mediator with an abusive guy. He doesn't want to follow the divorce decree when it comes to the mediator. He wants to use someone other than the person dictated in the divorce agreement (probably because he admitted to the mediator that the stalking was going on).
Ugh....
I hope they can help me collect that $60,000 or so he owes me. The only reason I was afraid to collect is that I feared him. If he's going to barge into our lives anyway like a jerk because he has "rights", I may as well force him to honor his "responsibilities."
The lesson is to be kind. Kindness would have netted him what he wanted. If you want someone to trust you, lay off of the insults and abuse.
Abusers never change. The more this goes on, the clearer the truth of the cops' perceptions are. He is an abuser. I'm glad he's out of my life.
Love ya,
S.
Next day edit: I'm back to interviewing lawyers and looking at another loan. Numerous lawyers have told me that my ex has to jump through hoops to see the kids. The problem is that I don't know what hoops are appropriate. Now, my ex has sent me emails that flit between telling me he doesn't want to see the kids, to demanding to see the kids and demanding mediation for reasons that he won't clarify. When it comes to having him near my home or with the kids, I don't know what is safe. I don't know what is fair.
The main problem is that I don't know if he is a drinker.
The lawyers (the State Lawyers, my own lawyer and the lawyers I've interviewed) buy his line about being in an alcohol program hook, line and sinker. My ex says he's not an alcoholic. I believe him. Why would that be an excuse to lower his child support?
If he's a drinker, then shouldn't that impact him driving the kids to visitation?
Maybe I'll write about my conversation with a male domestic violence counselor from Washington State. He was right on the money. He's warning me that the sole purpose of all of this is to gain more control over my life. I can't let that happen.
I'll implement his suggestions now.
As for the visit, he dropped them off an hour and ten minutes late. We agreed on 9:00, he dropped them off at 10:10 p.m. I almost called the cops out of fear. He sent me two texts during his visit: one demanding mediation with the county and expressing his "frustration" that I won't do what he wants (he cc'd the county mediator on that one) and the other telling me he'd drop the kids off at 9:35.
A good mediator knows that abusers who get frustrated when they don't get their way are not a good fit for mediation. That's probably why I never got the paperwork.
The visitation time is just a bid for control. Yeah...…he's just being a control freak. It'll backfire. It always does. If he didn't want control, he wouldn't call me names and he'd work with me to re-acquaint himself with the kids.
Yeah....I need a lawyer.
I wish his game to be exposed swiftly.
Love ya,
S.
Well....this is strange. The damage was to the garage door. For a couple of days, it wouldn't shut. We cleaned the area around the doors, nada...
I cleaned the sensors...
nada.
We barricaded the doors to the house while leaving the door to the garage open. After a day or so of this nonsense I unplugged the door, shut it manually and kept the car outside for one night.
My ex came by: once while I was at work and around 10:10ish at night to drop off the kids.
He lingered after dropping off the kids.
It's strange.
Since Friday, my car doesn't run. After running a code test, there is a thought that there could be moisture in the gas tank.
The gas cap doesn't lock.
The other strange is that the box I kept in the garage with the tapes of the nasty answering machine messages from his mother dating back to 2002 is missing as are all the threatening letters (kept in the same box).
That's not the evidence I would have used to get the restraining order. I don't think this will do anything about all the documented calls to the police.
I find this strange. The box went missing around the time I got numerous texts and emails calling me a liar.
He may not have messed with my car. It's old. It could have an electrical issue. Sadly, I cannot afford to fix it as my credit is maxed out due to the legal fees. We are car-less. That's okay.
I find it strange that the box with the evidence is missing days after getting the strange accusations of lying. It was very well hidden behind a cabinet.
It doesn't matter.
He will tire of the games soon enough.
My ex is claiming that the chaplain at the Denver Rescue Mission is encouraging my ex to abuse me. He makes it sound that the chaplain is putting him to the contact and can offer a reference proving for his goodness and lack of a drug and/or alcohol problem (despite the letter they wrote to help lower his child stating the opposite). He said this right before starting in on the abuse.
I doubt the chaplain is encouraging the abuse. I believe he isn't educated about domestic violence and NPD. As freedom loving as I am, chaplains are not mental health professionals. I wonder if he knows that narcissists are prone to triangulating others into their bullshit.
For years, I spoke highly of this shelter. I always brought turkeys and food no matter how I struggled financially. I've fought with politicians about he importance of charity. I don't know if I can do that any more. For the first time in my life I understand why people don't want that shelter around. They encourage abusers - maybe not overtly but they don't really have the resources to help someone who is destructive. They offer ineffective counseling with chaplains who don't understand personality disorders and/or domestic violence. I'm sad to say it, they are enabling my ex's financial and emotional abuse. They'd best pray it not become physical.
It drills down to the letter they sent the court claiming he was in a program for people with substance abuse issues.
I can understand someone who is really down and out. I don't understand someone who refused to take jobs because he wants to stay in my home and terrorize me. I don't understand writing inaccurate(?) letters to the court claiming someone has an alcohol problem to get him out of child support.
I'm very religious. I have a very deep connection to Jesus. Forgiveness and love does not mean getting my kids or myself in a dangerous situation with someone who rages, threatens and stalks. He has obviously not changed one bit. I urge them to pray my ex's anger away and ask that the truth be shown.
The worst thing that can happen is his rage is exposed. If it happens, call the police. He's prone to property damage.
I am realizing that I cannot use the home equity to pay for lawyer or car because it is going to repairing damage done to my home - the city has a lien on all of my equity. They deserve it because they're trying to help. Such is life.
I'm tired.
Love ya,
S.