Skip to main content

Insight From An Elder

Today I am thankful for the advice of an old man. 

I've had a chronic cough for over a year.

I thought it was asthma.  I've been working for a California HMO over the past 14 months, they've been promising me health insurance.

It never comes to fruition.

I've been waiting to have my asthma re-evaluated.

At least I thought it was asthma.

I started fainting at the gym at the age of 28.  The docs told me it was exercise induced asthma and gave me a prescription for an inhaler.

I never filled it.

The breathing has gotten worse.

It got to a point on Friday that I started to wheeze and cough with activity.

I had overbooked myself on Saturday.  I had hypnosis clients and promised someone I'd go to a Democrat event.

I pushed myself.

When I went to the political event, it was more crowded than a rave.  I'm not joking.  It was at a café which was smaller than my living room.  There must have been eighty people there.

I went in and spoke to a couple of people.  These people name dropped some city councilwomen.  I decided to leave and introduce myself the next time I'm at a town hall.

I literally could not breathe.

The next day I went to an urgent care.

My blood pressure was so high they wouldn't tell me the score.

In the past, I've been sent to the ER.  That was usually after eating something I was allergic to.

Not this time.....

My wheezing and coughing is due to pulmonary hypertension -

this runs in my family.

I need to get insurance pronto so I can find a doctor to treat it.

Sigh....

*****

I still work at the health care company.

I still answer the phones.

Today, I met a ninety year old man who asked about an echocardiogram.

He explained to me that he was always as healthy as a horse until his wife died last year.

Now, his heart is literally broken.  It beats all out of rhythym.

He expects to join her soon despite the best efforts of his internist and cardiologist.

He seemed excited to join his wife again, it made me feel as if my sadness betrayed his joy.

*****

I thought back on my health.

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in 1997.  That was the year my ex-husband took my life savings and plunked it on a house I didn't want.  He chose a home that made it hard for me to work because it wasn't near a transit line.

I gave up my job.

In 1998, I was diagnosed with asthma.  This was after six years of harassment by his family.  In fact, that year, I'd often get calls from his relatives telling me what they saw me do in the kitchen as they drove by my house.

Creepy.....

In 2007, I had my first bout of high blood pressure.  This was shortly after my then husband started calling me Mrs. Erickson.  His name isn't Erickson.  That's the name of the young man I dated in high school.  This is the one that has the look of love in his eyes when he sees me but his strumming hands betray his impatience.  I was never Mrs. Erickson.  To hear the man I was married to call me that name....well....it  broke my heart.


It was almost as if that event called Mr. Erickson to me.  He came out to visit three times in the next four years.  I still don't know what he needed when he came out to visit and pray he's okay.  I'd ask but I don't know if I shouldn't open up a huge can of worms for him....so I'll be quiet.  

In 2013, a few months after the police department told me that my ex was stalking me, I tested high in the marker for breast cancer.

This time last year, I had a breast cancer scare.

*****
My step-father often told me that our emotions dictated our health.

My heart was broken time and time again throughout the relationship.  I find it strange that the area around my heart became sick and decrepit when I learned my ex was having his family harass and stalk me.

****
I don't know.

I do know that I will lose my health coverage in four days.  In two weeks, I'm due to a test to see if my tumor grew.

I don't think I'll be able to afford the test.

Thank goodness I have my step-father's Essiac Tea Recipe.

Love ya lots,

S.

Edit a few days later: I was able to get the test.  The tumor is gone.  The doctor is claiming that I could have had a misdiagnosed infection in my left breast.

It could be that the tea worked.

Either way it is good news.



Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor hi...

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP a...