Being an Insufferable Nerd

 

Today I am thankful for Fireball, Benadryl and a delta hypnotic state. 

I have finally found the combination of sleep substances to help me stave off the dreams for about five hours. 

Drinking a couple shots of whiskey and taking two Benadryl seems to help.  

As a child, my mother would give me Vodka and Tab to help me sleep. 

Remember Tab?  I guess it was discontinued recently as per CNN. 

https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/coca-cola-s-tab-soda-has-been-discontinued-its-retirement-ncna1243950

Sometimes I still find it.  I don't drink soda anymore because it makes me sick. 

Sadly, there are times when I drink alcohol.  It is typically reserved for religious rites.  

When I drink for pleasure, my go to is the hard stuff - rum, whiskey, ginger-flavored vodka.  I'm not really a wine, champagne or beer type of gal.  That is what makes alcohol dangerous for me. 

I only have alcohol in the house for religious purposes: The Fireball is for Ares.  The wine is for Dionysus and the Champagne is for Aphrodite. 

There is one problem, though, I'm vain and could never really tolerate sugar.  If I drink, I emerge the next morning swollen with my face and extremities inflamed.  Inflammation leads to wrinkles*. 

It's far easier to prevent wrinkles than it is to obliterate them when they form. 

Worse, when the alcohol finally wears off, I have the dream I'm avoiding. 

Today it wasn't so bad.  

I dreamt of a guy looking like my old friend kissing a woman who looked like me. 

She looked exactly like me - well, except she was paler than I and wore lipstick. She also had thick eyelashes. Her hair was perfect.

In the dream, she actually looked a bit like a vampire. 

I don't wear lipstick because it gets all over the place when I have those rare moments in which I get lucky.  One can get the same effect with a couple of lip pencils and Vaseline.  

I haven't kissed a man in over seven years so I don't remember if it smears or not. 

YIKES - no wonder Aphrodite is giving me dreams of dying in a pool of molten lava. 

This dream gave me a bizarre feeling of relief 

until I looked in the mirror.  

Damn - I think I'm sick.  My skin is incredibly pale, my lips are bright mauve and I'm actually feeling sick. 

Must be the alcohol. 

I'll put away my makeup, fake eyelashes and wigs, too.  

Yeah, I have acquisitions from the days I was hiding from the ex and his family.  

****

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

When I have dreams of the past and go running for the diaries, I think of a scene in Doctor Who in which the Doctor is having an axe battle with a bunch of Vikings (oops - they're not Vikings, their medieval English people and a Dalek - doesn't sound as fun).  

He is intercepted by a creature wanting to take him to visit his arch enemy, Davros, because Davros remembers a kindness the Doctor showed him as a kid.  

I can only find the axe battle on YouTube: 

If I find the other scene, I'll post it.  Here is a video someone made about Davros (the creator of the Daleks). Before going back in time and saving Davros as a child, the Daleks never had a concept of compassion. After saving young Davros and going forward into the future, The Doctor finds the Daleks to know the meaning of compassion which helps him save a friend.  

I wish I could just forget.  Why can't I forget? 

If it were possible to could go back in time and reprogram people who didn't wind up so happy,  I'd be a very busy person. 

Alas....all we have is this moment, right now.  

Enemies - Friends - Frenemies, the label makes no difference.  

Love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin.  The Master and Davros respect and love the Doctor on some bizarre level. 

The opposite of love is indifference - not hate. 

*****

There are times when I have the dreams of me alone with this figure from my past, I think of numerous scenes in Star Wars. 

Do I really care about this guy? 

Then, it tends to go dark in a hurry. 

Of course, after a few days of pondering the dreams I'll start to get annoyed. 

My aunt gives me the same book every few years for Christmas.  It's a book about so-called Twin Flames (Divine Complements).  In nerd-speak, it's about people who form a dyad in the force. 

Yeah - uh - this has never happened.  I've never heard an unembodied voice tell me to put a shirt on. Thank goodness. 

****

When the dreams get to point I start to miss this person, I think of the wisdom of Spock. 

When he left me in 1987, I decided that I only wanted the best for my friend.  I'm not perfect. I ask myself, would I want my friend to date me? 

Probably not.  

This is how I avoided him when he allegedly came to find me in late 1987.  I'm bad news. 

I make too many mistakes. 

I eat chocolate when I'm upset.  When I'm freaked out, I don't eat. 

My hair is never picture perfect.  

My eyes change color depending on my mood. 

If you look at me and eat a donut, I'll gain ten pounds. 

He wants a pretty lady in public.  

I'm not pretty. 

The last time I saw him, he told me I was pretty. 
I'm not pretty. 
It was a pity pretty. 

My smirk wrinkle is fading.  It's the fact that it comes back when I'm pissed at politicians that embarrasses me.  Ladies don't go charging in the fray with swords.  

I'm not a lady. 

On the bright side, I'm no longer 40 pounds overweight and the ring I couldn't get off of my right hand for a year is finally off.  

That sucker made MRIs very difficult. 

The Freak Out and Cry Diet isn't really very good for me. 

Yes, I do have dreams that not wanting to hurt people and genuine caring are more important than being imperfect.  Still.....I didn't fit the bill when I was young and fit.   

I won't fit the bill at 51. 

Why am I dreaming of this person? 

It makes me feel creepy on some sick, twisted level. 

The dreams also soften my hard demeanor.  No one takes me seriously when I'm kind and cuddly. 

Maybe I need to forgive him for breaking my heart. I know I was messed up because I lost a lot of relatives in a short period of time.  

I know he had to say rude shit to me because it was obvious that I would have to leave him to go to college.  Or stay away from him to deal with the stalking crap. 

The rude shit made it easier to leave one another, whether or not it was meant. 

That rude shit still hurts.  

It seems to have inadvertently taught me that I can't be me and be in a relationship.  I've attracted the wrong kinds of guys after we parted. 

Maybe that is the discrepancy my subconscious mind wants me to fix.  

It's a sign and a signal to play the bass more. 

I broke my nails down to the quick and am hurriedly trying to mask them with fake nails so I look decent at work.

I have a welt on the second finger of my right hand. 

Man, I'm out of practice!  

I also need to bone up on psychopharmacology, too. 

In essence, I need to get back to being my nerdy self. 

*****

Every time I have dreams of this person in pain, 

he is either breaking up with a toxic someone or ready to jump out of plane without pulling the rip cord quick enough. 

I have no clue why I pick up on his subconscious radio waves. 

So - I'll just go with it. 

As much as he hurt me, I'll still pray for him. 

Yeah - people say nasty shit to people they know they have to leave. 

That's probably why he said all that hurtful crap. 

I'm a dolt for believing it. 

I know what will happen if and when I see him again. 

It is what always happens.  We'll visit, catch-up and he'll give me a pep-talk.  I'll give him a pep-talk. 

It'll get awkward and quiet then he'll leave. 

His Siegfred limit is three hours, give or take. 

As sad as I am for saying this, the pain he brings for me when I see him is nothing compared to constant dreams that he's in pain, losing limbs or dying. 

It's always good to know he's alive and doing fine. 

*****

Mercury retrograde will end November 3rd and the effects should stop a couple of weeks after that. 

It's going to be a wild ride. 

It'll be over soon. 

I need a distraction.  I NEED the government to stop freakin' around with our liberties.  I NEED....((gasp))....to meet people. 

I need to throw a party.  

A crazy old woman relegated to her bedroom and afraid to sleep has an awful lot of time to scheme.  Some of those schemes will piss off the old political guard. 

One of these days, I'm going to get angry enough to put the plans into practice.  I'm one of those bitches that take my alleged owners on the walk.  You can hold on to my leash but I'm gonna drag you where I want you to go. 

I wonder if I can find a few dozen women just like me to start a PAC. 
 

It'll end soon. 

It has to end. 

Love ya, 

S. 

* No more Whiskey for Siegfred.  I got tired at 8:00pm and looked in the mirror and removed my mask.  

To my horror, I now have TWO matching smirk winkles (one on each side). 

I'm off to bathe in a vat of glycolic acid.  

I wonder what would happen if I rubbed shrimp on my face?  

Maybe that would be dumb, I'd probably go into anaphylaxis. 

I bet I can find some soy in the house.  Sometimes it's a great thing to be allergic to everything. 

To steal part of a phrase from Dr. Who's Missy, it's just 'cheap and nasty' Botox. 

((( hugs )))