I read through this boring blog and found more than one thousand dreams of someone from my past*.
Not all of the entries were published due to the disturbing nature of those dreams.
My brain is broken. My heart doubly so.
There has to be a lesson.
If I can find that lesson, the dreams will stop.
They have to stop.
Today I am trying to clean out my walk-in closet. I'd take a picture but I'm embarrassed by the mess.
I have a flute, a tenor sax, a C-melody sax that sounds nasally, 2 clarinets, two bass guitars, an amp, an acoustic guitar, a music stand and so many clothes that I can't fathom how I bought all of them.
I have boxes upon boxes of high heeled shoes.
There are numerous porcelain dolls, candles, beads, Christmas decorations, body oils, potions, herbs....
Some of the furniture is ratty and has to go, too.
There is too much stuff!
What I need to do is pay someone to take it all.
My thought process is that the crap I've collected over the years is tying me to the past and causing the dreams.
Maybe?
Or maybe it is that I should have stayed with the guy who would ask "what will you do with that?" every time I wanted to buy something stupid.
Instead, I married and divorced a hoarder.
When I feel ugly, I tend to hoard dresses, thigh high stockings and high heeled shoes.
Right now, I'm donating clothes I haven't worn, clothes, shoes or bags that have the word "love" or "bebe" on them and shoes/boots with 5" heels. I also will thow all out all of my lacy night clothes and underthings.
Only keeping the boring stuff.
I want nothing even remotely romantic.
If anything reminds me of love, it's going to either the dump or Goodwill depending on whether or not it still has tags on it.
*****
I'm feeling insane.
The dreams do not necessarily happen only during mercury retrograde.
I have them far too often.
Maybe it is just my subconscious mind's way of keeping me too preoccupied to date.
What lessons have I learned?
Since I've spent the past few weeks pondering it. I've leaved** quite a bit.
Always be honest about your feelings even if you're scared to death.
Your heart is louder than your brain. It is more intelligent, too.
Listen more than you talk. Listen with your whole self, not just your ears. Hear what isn't being said. Try to get in tune with the other person, feel their melody and try to sing their song. That will help you find the truth.
Pay attention to your intuition even when you want to call yourself crazy and ignore it.
If a guy is saying one thing but his body language says another, pay attention to his eyes.
If a guy is acting like he loves you, don't try to set him up with the staring blond obviously attracted to him.
Love won't hurt another human being if you act with a pure heart.
Truth won't hurt more than holding back out of fear of harming someone: Lies of omission are still dishonest.
You don't have to be beautiful or perfect to be loved.
People know what they want for themselves more than we know. Don't lie about your feelings thinking that it will be good for another person.
True love never dies. It can mutate, change and grow but it never dies.
Love is letting someone be who they truly are and want to be.
Goodbye is not forever. People may leave your life but the good ones leave an indelible mark on your soul.
If you ignore someone in your daily life, he or she could haunt you in your dreams.
Love is wanting the best for another person even if it shreds your heart to pieces. Just be sure that you pay attention to what the other person feels is best for him or her. They know themselves better than you do.
Leave the past in the past. People change and grow. Every day is a new day. Continuing relationships are about honoring the person before you at that moment and falling in love with that new version day after day.
Two people will have a unique alchemical reaction that no other set of people will experience. Embrace it. No one is replaceable.
New Lessons:
The subconscious mind remembers each and every pledge we make throughout our lives. It never forgets.
Fear is far too costly.
Regret is more painful than fear.
If I figure out more lessons, I'll share.
I am convinced that if I find the real lesson, the dreams will end.
They have to end. They take too much energy from me. Besides, the sooner I figure out what my subconscious mind is telling me, the sooner I can get on with my life.
*****
I really don't want to irritate my Deities.
There is a coven who excels at spells to mend broken hearts. Maybe I should hire them once I figure out the lessons I need to learn.
On the surface, it seems like a waste of money -but- if it works or if it can create a psychosomatic amnesia, it would be money well spent.
Love ya,
S.
** Yeah, another Freudian slip. I'm a runner. The word I meant to use is "learned."
Edit: While throwing out my clothes, I had a funny Tarot reading. It actually resonated.
The reader started off telling me that I was losing sleep and having nightmares. Long story short, she described how I fucked up years ago by making a shitty choice at a crossroads. Someone offered me love and I chose to do something meaningless although it seemed important at the time.
((( At the time, it's really all I could do because life was complicated and I was terrified because I didn't quite understand what was going on. )))
This is the end of that chapter. I fucked up. It's too late to fix it.
I feel guilty about fucking up - hence the dreams that have gone haywire since that day.
It also caused me (and perhaps the other party) to question what we thought was our connection. This makes it hard for me to trust my instincts.
No matter....It's over. It's done. I can't fix it.
The reader spoke of a stalker that she called an emotional crazy who will always show up when I'm ready to move on.
She said that the stalkery emotional crazy was causing me to act like a certified crazy.
((( Yep. For years after the divorce was final, his family would watch me on dates. I stopped dating. Bring on the white huggie jacket because by doing what he wanted, I rewarded his bad behavior. )))
Over the years, I've learned to stay guarded and have developed crazy tricks to keep me unavailable.
She also said that I have romantic prospects but I'm always turning them down because of the fears surrounding the emotional crazy.
((( I stay away from men so completely now that all my work is with women. )))
The best advice for this situation is to take a spiritual bath to cut off the connections that are draining my energy. The next time I get an offer to go on a date with a guy I know and actually respect, I'm to accept without making excuses.
((( Most of the guys I know carry, why am I afraid of weirdos watching us? Maybe I'm more afraid of hurting someone else like I did in 2011.)))
((( Besides, it might be nice to have someone give me something more fun to dream about. )))
I'm also to take the advice of Bob Newhart.
This is exactly what I needed!