Today I am thankful for an answer I received during a meditation.
I think the dreams have cost me to lose my mind.
Boy, that's a funny Freudian Slip, isn't it?
Let's try this again.
The dreams have caused me to go crazy.
Last night, I lit a candle to the Goddess of Love and asked what I'm supposed to learn from the dreams that are keeping me awake at night.
This song hit the airwaves the moment I uttered the prayer.
How fitting.,,,
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As far as ending the nightmares, I have found that if I only sleep two hours at a whack, it keeps the dreams at bay.
It's hard to say how long I can keep this up.
Despite not dreaming of him in three days, I'm still feeling sad. Those dreams...ugh...they awakened stuff I'd been suppressing for years (well...to be more accurate....decades).
I've been passing out lately. It nearly happened at work yesterday but I caught myself from falling by grabbing ahold of a desk.
Could be the masks coupled with my asthma and the impossibility of drinking water when one cannot remove the masks when around other people.
Perhaps it's.....da...da...dum....The Covid.
Who knows?
I'm exhausted and trying to learn the lesson so I can try to get back to life.
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My work hasn't done very much to save the world.
A couple weeks ago, there was a sole tent on the highway.
Now, there are several.
The Cares Act money is solely going to government entities, like the City and County of Denver who use the money to pay people to destroy the tents, heaters, IDs and other property of the homeless by crunching it all up in city owned garbage trucks.
None of the non-profits I know are getting the funds.
For the past three months, I've been working at a very low wage job in a residential treatment center counseling homeless addicts.
The money isn't reaching the people in need.
*****
I've wasted the past twelve years of my life fighting battles that didn't help more than a handful of people.
When does one stop fighting?
Right now, the government has shut down communication with the people under the pretext of a man-made virus by overblowing the infection and death rate.
I can't tell the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans. Both parties ratchet down on our freedoms.
No one listens.
The only way I've learned to get their attention is to gut their funding or run against them.
I'm realizing that it may not be worth the cost.
*****
Inadvertently Ignoring My Higher Power
I wonder how the Goddess of Love feels about my inability to understand. For over a decade, I've cried myself to sleep out of loneliness.
Maybe the dreams are supposed to keep me from feeling lonely?
Or maybe I irk her because I am obviously not listening. I've lost count of the number of second chances she's given me over the years. Part of me has a hard time believing that anyone would actually want to be near me, let alone seek me out when I'm hiding.
Her biggest lesson is to live while you can breathe. Grab life by the horns and enjoy it.
My problem is that I'm incredibly intuitive to the point I can lack common sense.
I KNOW what people are thinking (unless I'm overly emotional then I can get it wrong).
I just KNOW things. I have one foot in the otherworld and one firmly on the ground of reality. It's hard to stand steady when only one of your legs is grounded.
My intuition often makes it hard to find my footing.
Part of me has a hard time believing some of my intuitions.
*****
My biggest fear is hurting people.
When I realize I've done that, despite my best intentions, it's hard to stop crying.
May you speak your truth and live wildly while you can.
May you find the one that'll love you no matter what and that you don't blow it (over and over) like I did.
One day, the second chances will stop.
The dreams are my penance.
I think I'll grab my inhaler and say a prayer for another person's happiness.
Right now, I need to remind myself to breathe.
For the star of my nightmares, praying for his happiness is all that I can do.
Love ya,
S.