Today I am thankful for finding a possible meaning to the dreams.
There are some that I will never share publicly.
I just won't.
Right now, there seems to be a little bit of synchronicity between them. Parts of the dreams are beginning to come true.
Weird - or maybe they were always true and I didn't try to look for it.
I know that the moment I understand what my mind is trying to tell me, the dreams will stop.
They have to stop.
They cause me to feel tearful and emotional.
I don't have time to cry.
*****
I don't know if my experiences led to the realization but today I went to the grocery store to buy binders and things for the patients.
I'm still in horrible pain. I drove from store to store trying to find one with at least twenty glittery 3-ring binders. They have to be glittery or cute and fun.
Why?
All the patients are female. Most of the patients started using as adolescents. Addiction can be like living in a drug induced coma. When you come out the other side, you still feel like you're the age you were when you started.
On my second trip to a King Soopers, I grabbed a cart and ran to the school supply section. They didn't have any fun binders. I took the cart towards the door wanting to drop it off at a cart carousel. About an inch before the door, the cart stalled and shot back. It rammed right into my gut.
The handle was flush with my liver. To be more specific, I have a brand new bruise where my liver is.
Now, my liver/abdominal pain is much worse. The security guard told me that the cart stalls when people don't buy anything.
I saw a lot of elderly people there. I went to the store manager who basically said "sorry" and didn't want to listen to me or tell me who to talk to.
I got angry and told her I'd call corporate before I run to social media. If an elderly person gets hurt, they will be sued. No one wants to see that. She scoffed and huffed off in her self-righteous indignation..
This is the store I buy the hordes of groceries for the homeless across the street at Cherry Creek State Park. I'm not going to that store again. Seriously, there is a Costco just down the road. I'll shop there.
At this point, I drove to the King Soopers in my hometown. They're nice there. I spoke to a manager about my experience in Aurora. He gave me the number to call Corporate and told me that I needed to say something because it was bizarre that the carts stall and shoot back.
I also found 20 adorable binders. Some had glitter, some had puppies, a few had rainbows, a couple had hearts, and a few had positive sayings. I paid sixty cents each for those binders. To the patients, it'll be priceless.
I also scored some ultra-cheap glitter glue so we can make stress relief bottles. I'd never use glass. I've been stocking up on clear high quality plastic bottles.
My company is too cheap to spring for crafts for their patients so I stock up when things are on sale.
In the parking lot, I saw an elderly man sitting by my car that I noticed when I parked the car. I approached him and ask if he had a place to stay.
He literally reeked of alcohol. His walker was damaged. His clothes were dirty.
He gave me his name. He warned me against the homeless and mentioned the stabbing my friend who runs the non-profit told me about. He said that he worked his way off of the streets and finally got himself an apartment.
Then, he told me his 12 step story. It's almost as if he knew what I did. We chatted for about twenty minutes before it started to get cold and I bid him farewell.
I was told that I had a big heart that was beautiful. He gave me his address and welcomed me to visit him any time.
His lesson for me was this -
"God always provides. All we have to do is ask for what we need."
It was a prayer that put him in a home. He prayed to be warm and was sent to a hospital for detoxification. A social worker helped him find an apartment and a job.
He also told me not to worry about Covid.
"God will keep us safe", he said.
Of this, I have no doubt.
As a species, humans are tough.
Life will always find a way.
I see this when I work with pregnant addicts who birth perfectly healthy babies.
Covid is a mess. It was created in a US military lab (Duck Duck Go it and try searching Dr. Shi Zhengli) and perfected in a Wuhan military lab after President Obama cut the funding (Again, look it up on Duck Duck Go - try searching Coronavirus Gain of Function studies - if you have access to an academic database, look up the research pre-2020).
No group of crazy mad scientists or power hungry politicians are going to destroy the Creator's design.
****
With this in mind, I drove the forty-seven minutes back home.
The dreams are starting to upset me. There are days when I wake up in tears and just lay in bed crying.
It hurts too much to remember some of the subconscious material that I am unearthing.
Why dredge all this feeling up now?
As I'm driving down the highway,
I have a thought.
The guy I dream about is the only guy who isn't a relative that I just love. No matter what, I love him. He can go to Utah and marry 50 women, I'll still love him. He can vote for Trump - love him and wonder why. He can vote for Biden - love him but wonder a bit about him.
I can't imagine anything he could do that would make me hate him. It's love. It's unconditional. It's just there.
That's probably because of how our relationship evolved - as childish friends who got into something they probably were not ready for. It was innocent childhood love. At least on my part, there was no agenda.
It just....happened.
I want him to be happy. Whether or not I ever speak to him again, I just want him to be happy. I let him go because I thought it would make him happy. It breaks my heart when I see him unhappy and alone. My childhood sacrifice feels meaningless when he's alone.
With Covid and the lockdowns, I fear that he's alone.
(Could be projection, I don't know).
This is a stark contrast to the relationship I had with the man I married. We were constantly falling in and out of love. In the twenty six years we were together, it seemed like every time I re-invented myself or he discovered something new about me, he fell in love again until he fell out of love.
It was just a constant stream of falling in and out of love.
Right now, we're both out of love. After the stalking, I'm staying away from him and his love.
Scary stuff....
I wonder....
are the dreams supposed to remind me what real, enduring love feels like?
Or are they just supposed to drive me crazy?
I feel like they are making me a tad bit insane.
At my age, I really don't think I'll find love like that again.
It's just more to ponder.
I'm still lighting candles.
The dreams really got nuts when I put a candle in the window.
I lit a candle (like I do every night) and pray for this person's happiness. On the night of the full moon, I put it in the window thinking the wish could be carried on the moon.
It's a silly romantic notion that all human beings are under the same moon. If I were to project a wish on to the moon (or the Goddess Diana), I reasoned, that he and the one he really loves will get some type of benefit from it.
The wish is simple - "Please give [name] whatever he wants and needs" is pretty general.
It's a good, all-purpose prayer that my thought process or will cannot twist to fit a subconscious agenda.
I will say that the dreams took an unexpected turn and I'm still trying to process it all.
At this point, it's probably better to take a page from Fleetwood Mac and keep those visions to myself.
Just when I think they are impossible -
the Goddess has to prove me wrong.
I'll figure it out.
There is something I must have forgot to remember all those years ago.
The dreams are here to remind me of something.
I need to remember it so that I can get back to life.
Love ya,
S.