If My Life Could be Distilled into One Sentence

Today I am thankful for the ability to laugh at myself.

I woke up....famished....and ran downstairs to open the refrigerator.

It was full. Since I gave the kids credit cards, they keep it pretty well stocked.

They're health food addicts, too.

Lots of veggies and fruit,

sprouted bread,

Ghee,

yogurt,

various types of cheese,

imagine it and it is probably there.

Despite the variety, .nothing looked like it would be worth the effort to put into my mouth.

Then, my subconscious mind came up with this zinger -

I'm starving and despite the abundance in front of me, there is nothing I want to touch.

This is the story of my life.

*****

Yes, I've given thought to why I am terrified to date.

I think it boils down to just one thing -

It took me YEARS to extricate myself from the mess that was my last marriage.

I knew his family since I was fourteen years old.

How in the hell did I miss the toxic, stalking, narcissistic tendencies that ran in that enmeshed family?

It's hard to trust myself now.

It's to the point, though, where I'm not living.

*****

INFJs tend to go into a private little isolated hell when they're depressed and introspective.

I've been here for the past three to four weeks.

My friends are worried about me because I'm missing in action short of the little messages I send them for their birthdays.

Part of me is afraid of what is going to happen when my ex-husband gets the response to his legal inquiries.

I'm hoping he's done with the harassment piece.

Just to be sure, I ought to start hunting for a new job.

I am so damn tired of hiding from the world just to feel safe.

It's dumb.

It's a waste of energy.

Maybe moving to Kansas isn't such a bad idea after all?

I'd just get lost because there will be no mountains for me to navigate by.

At least, I won't have all these painful memories triggering nostalgic dreams that freak me out.

May you always keep your sense of direction.

Love,

S.

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing? I imagine they sing songs like this. I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call but wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again. I probably should document this somewhere. My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis. She is his cousin. I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law. She wanted me to plan interventions. This happened with a baby shower. It also happened with a wedding. The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car). I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....

Temporary Ending

Dear Readers: Over the past three weeks, I attended both a city councilperson's town hall and the mayoral town hall. Despite battling the flu, I dedicated two days to watching all available city council meetings and study sessions on YouTube in between bouts of cold chills. What I observed was a troubling pattern of disregard for honesty and disrespect towards citizens, the rule of law, and the influence of partisan politics. It has become evident that certain issues transcend the scope of a mere community art project. This realization prompted me to raise my voice, a departure from my usual composed demeanor. After discussing the situation with my family, we collectively decided to remain in Aurora. It is clear that true leadership entails making tough decisions rather than simply following personal desires. I look forward to the opportunity to address these concerns further in a different forum. Warm regards, S. P.S. There will be a new website.

Visiting the Graveyard in my Hometown and Addressing Fears I'll Soon Join the Party

Today I am thankful for a laugh. It didn't start out funny. My aunt visits once a week to use the washer and dryer. My new dryer broke just a few days out of warranty so we dried her clothes outside. While standing outside, she took me aside an said "I don't want to alarm you, but....." then she got silent. I pointed at the shed. "Are you worried about all the stuff pulled out of the shed?", I asked. "Yes.", she replied. "That happens all the time!" She advised me to chain the door. I've done that. The thief just tears the roof off. It's easier just to keep crap in it I don't care about so the thief can rummage and take what he or she wants. Again, I was advised to consider moving, especially after finding a full gas can in the mess. My aunt is afraid my ex-husband is going to kill me. I've been court-ordered to live here for another two years. Sigh.... I'm sure a judge would allo...

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