Today I am thankful for laughter.
I had a horrible day today.
Two words -
Liver Pain
I've been so busy at work I never got that MRI ultrasound the doctor ordered.
Today, I went to work. As I'm sitting in front of the nurse, the pain in my right side exploded ten fold.
It's always there but it's rarely so debilitating that I can't breathe.
Sure enough -
that would happen in front of an RN.
She noticed that I was in pain.
I couldn't speak audibly.
Being the obnoxious person I am - I try to flippin' hide it.
No go - so I ask if I can clock out and I go off to another room.
I go off to suffer in silence.
I look in the mirror on my phone.
My skin is NOT yellow - whew!
My eyes are not yellow either - good.
The nurse follows and wants me to consider the ER.
I hate the ERs. I'd just throw up on everyone. This happens from time to time. It will pass in an hour.
I wait the hour.
The pain is still horrible.
The nurse comes back and tries to get me to go to the ER. I compromise, I tell her that I'll call the advice line for my health plan.
I call and give a short health history.
I'm a geezer. I have hypertension, allergies to just about everything under the sun and am supposed to take Paxil but I never take it because it makes me forget my name.
Doctor found a benign liver tumor after an MRI. I didn't get an ultrasound but I think it's probably just a gall stone (because what a djinn in a dream told me - but I don't tell the nurse that).
She agreed that it was possibly a gall stone. If the pain doesn't subside in another hour, I need to go to the ER.
I thank her and get back to work to pretend I'm okay.
I'm not fooling anyone.
The nurse calls back. My coworkers are staring.
I say my birthdate aloud. Yes, I'm older than dirt.
I answer another question with a resounding "No!"
The next question was "Are you sure?"
The answer was "The answer is no unless there are super sperm that can live well over a decade."
My coworkers bust up laughing.
I hang up and start to laugh, too. That only made the pain worse.
*****
Everyone who knows me knows two things about me: I'm cheap and I'm vain.
I have a recipe for just about every beauty remedy under the sun. The patients and I make lotions and hair rinses out of kitchen scraps.
I'm having a conversation with another counselor about the futility of the face masks that Polis ordered.
They don't work.
"Even if masks worked, have you seen how many people wear them incorrectly? I think I know why condoms don't work! Geesh!"
"That's not the worst part," I say...
"We are not getting enough sunshine."
This person and I have a tiny discussion about Vitamin D and it's role in immunity.
I'm still in pain. I can't censor myself when I'm in pain.
I share "That's not the worst of it for me. Without sunshine the little blond hairs on my face are turning reddish brown!"
The other counselor states that her facial hair is darkening, too. She also talks about the maskne (mask acne) she's experiencing.
"I don't mind the acne so much as I always wanted to be a young person again. I just didn't want it to be in the form of a young man!"
The coworkers start laughing again.
*****
Maybe I should write my material the night before....maybe somebody will buy me a drum kit and a cymbal to play with the patients. I'm toying with buying a bass, a guitar and another keyboard for them, too.
Sigh....
Just teasing.
I'm off to bed. The pain is making me delusional. It's been eleven hours.
I'm sure I'll have nightmares tonight.
Love ya,
S.