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That Was Weird: Where Have I Experienced This Before?

 Today I am thankful for fear yet confused about synchronicity. 

I fell asleep around 4:00am and woke up at 8:00am.  Realizing that I didn't get enough sleep, I thought I'd try to meditate and figure out what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. 

I must've fallen asleep....

Because at 11:00, I awoke to the sound of this country song. 

It was coming from a very old clock radio that I NEVER use. 

I listened to the lyrics and was struck by fear. 


When one is half-asleep, logic can be suspended. It's as if my subconscious mind takes everything personally. 

I'm not one anyone would really....like....want. 

I'm not relationship material, especially if I'm going insane. 

That was weird. 

Where have I experienced this before? 

*****

This has happened to me before in late July of 2008.  

It happened nightly. 

It was a CD player in the basement that played the same song at 4:00am for several days.  It was loud and woke up everyone in the house until I unplugged the darn thing. 

Someone put a Luther Vandross CD in it. This just so happened to be the song that blared and woke the entire house up. 



After a while, I figured that my ex-husband was trying to get rid of me by freaking me out in the middle of the night.  

Then a certain person came back into my life. 

It turned my world upside down.  That was better than the depressing stagnation I was enduring. 

****
Fear can be a good thing. 

Fear makes us cautious. 

My biggest fear is hurting people.  Maybe if I fear it, I'll do my best to avoid hurting them. 

Right now, I'm a mess. 

I'm tired.  I'm so tired, I can't see straight. 

*****
Yesterday, while waiting for that ultrasound, I was asked if I wanted to put a significant other as a contact for my medical records, just in case something happens and I can't communicate with the office. 

No.  There is no one. 

It would be nice if I could overcome my fear and try to find someone.  

I don't know how to do that. 

I've been alone for so long, I'm not sure I can think of another way of life. 

****
The only thought that would get me into a relationship or keep me from running off from one is the thought that I would do anything in the world for someone I truly loved. 

I doubt many people would do that. 

I left because I thought it was what would make someone happy. 

It breaks my heart that it didn't. 

Either I'm not awake and this is another dream -or- my day is going to get ultra weird. 

At this moment, I don't know if I need an anti-psychotic or to clean my house for company. 

Love ya, 

S.  

Edit 1:20 a.m. 

I'm going to put this crap to bed now. 

First, I unplugged every freaky electronic device that plays music in my room.   My amp, my synth, my clock radio, my stereo, my microphone, both of my computers - every flippin' thing is unplugged. 

My phone is downstairs. 

This isn't going to happen to me again. 

Now, I'm torn as to what to focus on before I go to sleep.  

I typically do research.  At night, I typically research politics. 

Maybe I should start doing a little bit more heavy reading like quantitative drug studies or something and less Carl Jung. 

Maybe it's the metaphysical stuff that's giving me the nightmares. 

I'll drive those silly twin soul books to Goodwill tomorrow. 

I'm still pondering one point.  People feed off of each other, so to speak.  If I raise my attitude and zest for life, people who come into contact with me will do the same.  

Maybe I NEED the attitude adjustment. 

If that doesn't work - 

If I still have creepy nightmares, 

I'm going to start another blog trying to create a cheesy horror story out of them. 

Gosh, this is the most bizarre stuff I've ever experienced. 

It has to end. 

Cheerio, 

S. 

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