So, I'll just happily report that I'm sleeping.
The dreams look a lot like the Helix Nebula with a set of blue eyes in it.
No face....I can live with that. Lots of people have blue eyes. It could be anyone.
It's peaceful.
Let's hope the peace continues.
****
After all that soul searching, I have decided to let go of one thing per week that keeps me unavailable.
Yep -
The nightmares have now caused me to lose 15 pounds without trying. The problem with losing weight to damn quickly is that one needs to get toned. I'd like to lose another twenty pounds so I can get rid of my entire wardrobe and start anew. What I need to do is carve out time to dust and use my home gym.
I'll begin to let go of the stagnancy and the weight the first week.
Then, I'll work on hypnotizing myself to stop talking in my sleep because that is flippin' embarrassing!
Maybe, I'll finish that vanilla book on making guys sing that third week.
I should probably get a haircut. I don't do that because mask Nazi's freak me out. My hair looks - bad.
There is one thing I'm going to struggle with, though.
I have a slew of fake wedding rings that I have worn since 2007. That was the year my ex-husband came home from a family funeral, called me his ex and referred to ME as Mrs. [old friend's name].
That broke my heart. I never knew if that was in response to the gossip from his cousins and friends who went to school with me and that blast from the past in the 80's. It could have been in response to a very horrific nightmare that led me to cast numerous spells to keep my old friend away from me.
Yeah - I hated the dreams where he was hit by a semi and killed. I'll never tell anyone the content of the dreams that I thought were far worse. I was trying to convince myself that - well.....some things were never going to happen. The spells can't be broken because I was very creative in how I disposed of the wax at numerous construction sites in Colorado. The wax sits under numerous buildings throughout the state.
After all of that effort, the spells only worked for a year. I think they could be responsible for our inability to communicate.
Just think of it as my helping someone dodge a bullet.
Sigh....
Calling me that name was too much. I gave up on trying to save the marriage. I didn't want to deal with men at the time so I wore rings to ward them off. The rings are fun. Some of the rings are obnoxious. Some are believable. Last night, half asleep, I ordered a huge white sapphire heart ring from Germany. I want to wear it for a couple of weeks before I stop my habit of chasing guys away. Today I'm wearing one that reminds me of Star Trek.
When I was on television, I wore one plain silver ring on my left hand. It was my favorite fake.
People at work want to meet the partner who buys me a lot of sparkly jewelry. I just tell them the truth. There is no one. The rings prevent complications and keep me available to work any shift needed. I'm thankful they're not pushing me into online dating. They probably know how mean I am.
The jewelry thing is going to be the hardest thing to stop doing.
I'll keep this is a running list of goals.
Maybe cosmetic surgery?
Maybe try to actually make $100,000 a year (that would mean not helping people without money).
I don't know.
There are some things that aren't me.
I think I'll be busy for the next six weeks or so.
Maybe self-improvement will do me some good.
Besides, I think I need to find someone else to dream about.
Sigh....
I hope you have a Happy Halloween.
Mine will probably be spent with people in recovery and in prayer trying to fix my malfunctioning heart.
The Day of The Dead is the holiday I'm prone to celebrating. Most Pagans have a ritual where they leave a plate of dinner undisturbed for those they've lost.
My family never liked my cooking so I just leave them flowers.
I've only had one or two supernatural experiences on November 1st: The weirdest one was when I hallucinated hearing my ex-husband's deceased uncle telling me to drive his niece to a hospital close-by. I happened to be driving his niece around to visit the graves of her deceased relatives. I did exactly as I was told. My friend and I met her mother in the emergency room entrance, she was having chest pains.
This is why my former in-laws are scared of me.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Have a spooky good time.
For someone like me, every day is Halloween.
Love ya,
S.
Fell asleep at 6:00 a.m. - stayed awake wondering what kind of monstrous dreams I'd have. Woke up at 9:00 a.m. - tried to meditate - must've fallen asleep.
There was another dream. It was incredibly sad, sappy yet beautiful I think I'll grab one of those journals I used to write the dreams in and record it there*.
Basically, it was someone correcting my stance on love and fear. Apparently, I value fear over love and believe that visually oriented men value beauty over unconditional love (hate to be rude but....men want what they want).
Still, I'm thankful I was able to sleep. Now, I'm off to go play with the children of teenagers in recovery dressed up as a raccoon. I had a very young coworker put trash outside. She was seen chasing a raccoon away from the garbage. I gotta pick on her a little bit.
May you get the kind of candy you truly want,
S.
Edit: 2:10 p.m.
Crap, I think those were the journals I destroyed last week when I began to throw out everything from the past. I'll make an unpublished post. If it happens, I'll laugh about it and show it to him when he doesn't believe me. A certain person will eventually come back and school me on my dimwitted behavior before leaving again for years, even decades at a time. Each visit is much more painful than the last but at least it is confirmation that he is alive.
It's the nature of our relationship.
Yeah - I guess I'll order a birthday gift, too. If I don't get to give it to him, someone else can do it at a school reunion.
((( hugs )))
S.