Disturbing Dreams

Today I am thankful for confusion. 

Okay, so even finding fault with the relationship didn't stop the dreams.  

There were more nightmares.  

I'm still waking up in tears.  

I slept three hours before I had a nightmare that I found his body, crippled and burned by a fire.  

He wasn't alive. 

I wake up sobbing and trying to stifle vomit. 

Then after about an hour of choking on my tears, I realize that this is why I don't watch the news anymore.  After he told me where he lived last month, I stopped watching the news.  We have far too many fires in the mountains.  I just don't want to know.  I don't..

Maybe this is supposed to signify that he is dead to me?  

Well that wouldn't prove to be the case. 

I fell asleep again around 0630. 

I dreamt that he and I were dressed as if we were heading off to a Day of the Dead festival.

We were in a car.  

HE was driving. 

As I looked upon him, I realized it wasn't a costume. 

He was beautiful, right down to his bones. 

Part of me must fear that this is supernatural or that even death won't stop the nonsense.  As far as I know, he never dabbled in the occult.  The dreams seem to suggest that my subconscious mind suspects he's the driving force behind the dreams.  

Well....there is this one time he put something weird in my coffee back in '86.  We were watching a Tom Hanks movie ("Big", I think).  I just rolled with it. 

I doubt it was anything like a hair or bodily fluid.  That could cause this according to some occult traditions.  

He wouldn't do that.  

My sister was into the occult back then.  Most of her spells were to get rock stars.  She became a high priced escort and, sadly, her spells seemed to have worked decades later.  She told me she cursed my relationship with this man and we actually broke up soon after. I seriously doubt she did that - this guy gets sullen and then irritated around me - my sister has nothing to do with that.  I get on his nerves! 

Almonds....almonds are the cure to love spells.  I eat them all the time.  I'm wondering if this is why it is a tradition to serve them at weddings?  

It's not a spell. If so, it was broken a long time ago.  

I have no clue what to make of the dreams. 

None....

Maybe I'm cursed to be alone for the test of my life because I sob and scream a certain name in the middle of the night.  

Maybe this is my subconscious mind's way of keeping me safely out of a relationship. 

Maybe I just need to get busy with something.....

a...n...y...t...h...i...n...g! 


*****

The dreams seem as if they have gone on forever. 

The only period in my life when I was free of the dreams was when I was in graduate school.  Even then, I had people tell me that when I was relaxed, I looked as if I had lost "my best friend."  That could be because my marriage fell apart before I enrolled.  

Maybe I need to go get that doctorate? 

I'd rather save for retirement.    

If going to school stops the dreams, the high price tag will be well worth it. 

I just don't know what to do. 

I DO know what not to do.  

If my mere presence upsets this person to the point of lashing out, I have to stay away. 

Love is doing the right thing by someone else. 

Besides the dreams are about my problems - not his. 

Strange thing, though, now that I think about it, I NEVER had nightmares of him when were were dating.  In fact, it's only been during periods of absence that I've had the nightmares of him. 

When we were together, I had nightmares of my family (the suicides, the deaths and so on).  Those things pretty much happened in real time.  I wonder if he remembers us talking on the phone when I fell asleep and said something about dad being with mom. I remember my friend telling me to go to bed. 

I'd learn just a few hours later that my dad shot himself playing Russian Roulette with my baby sister.  I don't know how but my family arrived to my home.  My friend was there. 

I don't know he got there or how he knew.  He was there during the worst moment of my life.  What happened that morning pretty much determined how little time I would spend with my family going forward. 

(Let's just say they were abusive towards my traumatized baby sister). 

*****
Perhaps I'm trauma bonded. 

Maybe he is, too.  He once told me that it is hard for him to stop thinking of me. 

How does one break a trauma bond? 

I don't know.  

I've tried cord cutting, it just grows back or he comes to see me in the real world. 

I really don't know what to do. 

It may just be time to get loaded up on caffeine and avoid sleeping for more than three hours at a whack.  If I don't experience REM, I won't dream. 

Yeah, that'll just create a whole host of other problems, won't it? 

I'll stick with prayer. 

Maybe I'll add a line to the prayer, too.  

I should add "if its in his highest good." 

Maybe when I light the white candle, I can recite 

"Please give [name] anything he wants and needs should it be for his highest good.  

Maybe that'll help? 

I don't know. 

I'm off to hang out with some very important people*.  If there are more insights I'll share. 

It would be nice to think that no one else in the world endures bizarre dreams.  I can't be the only person dealing with this. 

Love ya, 

S. 

* My VIPs are homeless addicts. 

10/7/20 - So far so good.  I had a nightmare free night.  Maybe honest reflection helps.  

You know, what I wrote was the worst of the relationship.  Strange, to be sure, even the worst of this relationship wasn't really all that bad.