The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

 

Today I am thankful for synchronicity. 

I woke up yesterday determined to swear off love and felt terrified to do anything other than focus on the textbooks I need to revisit to take a licensure test. 

Then I went to work. 

I was voluntold to give a presentation on the second of the twelve AA steps. 

Do you want to know what that one is all about? 

Well, maybe I should just type it out for you. 

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” 

In Sum, the phrase "came to believe" refers to believing in something with your mind, body and soul. 

A "power greater than ourselves" is basically anything that we have faith in outside of ourselves. 

It could be the sun rising and setting. 

It could be that the purple mountains to the west will be there when I wake up tomorrow. 

Or that the moon will be new tomorrow. 

*****

My step-father was Cherokee.  He was a paramedic.  I was a clumsy child. He seemed to be the one who found me when I broke my chin, nearly got struck by lightning and doubled over in liver pain. 

He was the one sitting with me in the back of the ambulance.  He was the one tasked with finding my mom and staying with me until she got to the hospital. 

After five or so ER visits, he met my mom and fell in love.  He said that he wasn't going to leave her because someone had to keep me safe. 

He explained religion as love.  If I love someone, I will respect him or her.  I'll fight for him or her.  I'd do what was right no matter what. 

The ten commandments don't matter.  Laws don't matter.  

If we act out of love, it is hard to do the wrong thing. 

I was five years old. 

That always stuck with me. 

But I've got to say, I've done some of the worst shit in my life acting out of love.** 

*****

Our higher power can help us restore sanity.  I feel incredibly out of balance. 

The dreams hurt me deeply.  I'm not sleeping.  I'm crying to the point of sinus infections.  I'm neglecting my studies.  I'm neglecting my brand new bass.  I still haven't had the energy to buy the guitar I intend to name "Tom" so it will cover for me if I scream that name out in horror in the middle of the night after having a nightmare.  

In recent days, I've decided that this guitar will have to be an acoustic-electric.  I'll have a guitar player coach me into buying a typical guitar.  I've never played one. 

How does one tune that 6th string?  I'll have to learn how to hold a pick, too. 

I've decided to get certified in music therapy so I need to go back to a vocal coach and learn to play a regular guitar without slapping and plucking the strings until they break. 

*****
It wasn't the workshop that left me crying in the bathroom. 

It was what the patients told each other. 

I'll try to paraphrase - 

'When we put our faith in a higher power, we trust - 

we trust that we are not alone. 

We trust that things will work out.' 

I don't think I can capture it.  I'm terrified to look at my notes or I'll start crying again. 

I've been rude to my Deities. 

*****

I'm pretty sure there is a person I know who is quite a bit like me. 

This person is probably trying to get distracted from feelings that, seriously, are confusing and may even feel a little bit creepy.  

They are so confusing, they can cause us to retreat to process them.  This unfortunately puts us into a form of isolation. 

It feels like a trick of the mind that we ought to be able to control. 

When they get bad, we lie to ourselves.  We say things like 'yeah, I'm not good enough.' 

This will only get in the way. 

If I give it more time, it'll go away (but it hasn't). 

It's easier to believe that I'm insane or that I'm connecting to an energy meant for someone else than to believe that love or passion is within the realm of possibilities for me. 

It was easier to believe it at sixteen then it is now.  Heck, I had a hard time believing that I could be loved at 38! 

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. 

You know what?  Yeah, we may think we have to be perfect to be loved.  That's not true. 

We may tell ourselves to wait until the day everything is perfect to allow ourselves to feel, that day never comes. 

So, we take it a day at a time and stuff it down for weeks that turn into years.  Those years turn into decades.  Eventually our worn down souls, bodies and minds destroy ourselves with the energy. 

I'm wondering if that's what's happening.  (Maybe a treadmill will help?  Hmmmm.....)

Personally, I used to imagine putting the feelings into a paper bag in a freezer.  That worked for a couple of weeks until I met a guy who reminded me too much of someone from my past.

He was a political activist with a name very close to my nickname. I saw the way he looked at me and ran away from him before he could ask me out.  Then he tried to contact me on all of my social media accounts (shudder).  It's all good.  I prayed he'd be married.  He married within two years. His wife is stunning.  I often see them in Pagan venues. 

Right now, I've realized that these feelings are in the way of my love life.  There is nothing I can do. 

I give up.  I'll pray to my Gods and ask what to do.  I don't think I can type what I'll say at my altar in the wee hours of the morning because.....yeah....not putting that out there.  

This is hard to admit.  My hope was that the feelings and dreams would go away if I admitted them to myself.  

It's not working. 

I'll pray for this other person. I've prayed for him since the day I met him.  He'd probably laugh if he knew that I've been on my knees for him a thousand times more often since we parted than when we were together. 

If anything, I'm underestimating the number of prayers. 

What the hell is going on?  I'd say it was my mid-life crisis but it's been going on for over three decades.  If I can keep these feelings suppressed for another thirty-three years, I'll be dead before I have to worry about it again (or senile -  which would be the perfect cover). 

The dreams have taken a frightening turn.  I cry too much.  I think I've made myself sick.  I'm worried for him. I don't know why. 

When I dream of him writhing in pain, I wonder if staying away is the right thing to do.  I'd do my best to bring him comfort.  I care.  I'd do my best never to hurt him (but again, I lack common sense so I often do the wrong thing unintentionally).  The lesson I'm learning is to be honest and open with certain people I trust. 

Maybe that's the point of the dreams, to freak me out to the point of brutal honesty? 

*****

Tomorrow is Friday.  I'll pray to Aphrodite. It will offend her if I ask that it stop.  Maybe I'll ask that I channel it into an appropriate venue. 

I know what will happen if I even attempt to find someone else.  I'll have a freaky dream and ruin the relationship before it gets very far. 

I'm stuck.  I have to correct the connection before I can move forward. 

I truly hope that I'm the only one feeling it.  I'm beginning to doubt that's true.  You know, maybe I'll take a selfie and update my picture on social media.  That'll scare anyone off. 

Yeah, maybe if the other side of this connection sees my clown face, it'll cut off the energy flow.***

Love ya, 

S. 

** I hid my feelings and ran away from someone because I thought he'd be happier.  If he's not, it'll possibly kill me.  The day I learned he married, I had a party (seriously).  The day I learned he divorced, it broke my heart. 

***So, my stalkerish ex-husband just had paperwork sent that demanded all sorts of details of my life.  He now knows where I work, what I do and where to find me.  What difference will it make if he knows what I look like now? 

You know what, there is this horrible desire to mask what I'm feeling.  Like songs I push myself to listen to now are about boring, mundane love and of doubt.  

I'll only post 80's songs that other people might like.  My play list is mostly R & B (a little bit dirty, too). 

When I'm really trying to get angry, I listen to stuff like this.  Doesn't work. 

Maybe I ought to throw some more current stuff in there, too: 

Wow - I need to find more G-rated songs for my playlist.  

My manta is 'Que Sara Sara'   I've learned not to control my life. 

Now, songs I hear in my dreams are far different. 

Again, I'll only post 80's songs that someone that I'm thinking of might like.  The R&B songs I dream are far too suggestive.  I'm not going to put that into the universe (because - I can't just even  - yeah) 

I can't post more songs because I'm feeling a little creeped out.  Maybe I'll post more later.  Right now, I have this urge to vomit.  It's bizarre. 

Maybe I should carve out time to see a shrink (or a relationship therapist because that is where I'm holding myself back). I still can't even try to love right now.  

I need to get my shit together.  

Where can I find a distraction?  

Or maybe I need to take this intense bizarre energy and paint it, or sing it 

or something. 

((( hugs )))