I'm not revisiting my youth, I'm just meditating on the ways Obenheim changed music in the 70's....yeah, yeah....that's the ticket.
Today I am thankful that I remember my prayers.
It took many, many years.....
I finally remember the prayer from my youth.
This was the prayer I said to myself when I wanted someone but couldn't have him for some stupid reason.
The person may have been in a relationship, or heading off to college, someone who was of a different faith or just didn't seem to get along with me.
When we are young, these things seem to be big, huge problems.
When we get older, we learn how to navigate them.
When I was younger, I was a devout Christian.
I was so devout that I earned a religious title.
Those were the days before the Pagan dreams.....dreams of Artemis, Ares, Aphrodite, Hermes and Dionysus.
Some Christians would say that my dreams were demonic.
I don't believe that.
I believe that the Pagans, Catholics, Mormons and Christians worship the same Gods.
We just use different names and phrases for them.
It hit me when I studied the religious beliefs of slaves stolen from their homes in Africa. Slimy American slave sellers kidnapped people from different parts of Africa so they could not communicate with each other. If they couldn't communicate, they couldn't form a rebellion and escape.
They all seemed to have a shared religion with their captors. Their Deities corresponded with the Deities of other faiths
They all worshiped a love Goddess. Depending on where they were from in Africa, her name could be Oshun or it could be Isis. Her name could be Pomona, Aphrodite, Venus - or - Mary!
There were Gods of protection; Ogun, Gu, Ares, Mars -or- Saint George, Saint Anthony and Michael the Archangel.
There are even Gods of Communication (who give people messages from the Chief God): Elegba, Eshu, Hermes, Mercury -or- Saint Anthony and Saint Peter.
I could probably make a dissertation out of it. A more fun dissertation would be the use of voodoo to scare slave holders into behaving themselves.
Getting back to the point.....
Cross culturally, we tend to worship the same deities. The mythology of various cultures fits very neatly together.
Either we borrowed religious ideology from each other -or- missionaries spread Christianity across the world and it incorporated itself in most religions.
My step-father was a Cherokee Mormon. He convinced me it was the latter. The Mormons believe that Jesus spent the three days between his physical death and resurrection in the Americas teaching the natives about Christianity.
I'll stay silent about what I know of Mormonism. As a Pagan, I'm disturbed by what Joseph Smith did to the scrolls looted from the Egyptian pyramids. Those depictions were not of Abraham.....they were of Osiris, with his head cut off.
Sigh.....just Google The First Book of Napoleon if you want to jump into the rabbit hole.
My Mormon relatives forbid me from speaking about it.
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I compulsively pray.
This is a throwback to my youth.
When I see a cop car speeding down the street with its lights on - I pray.
When I am visiting a hospital - I pray.
I can't even scroll down Facebook without praying with each and every request.
I just don't pray like everyone else.
I light candles.
I focus on sending positive energy.
It's weird.
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This morning, I wanted to know why I feel things for people that I really shouldn't feel.
I know it's not uncommon for people to reconnect with people they knew in their youth as they grow older. A lot of people try to remember who they used to be this way.
I'm shocked that I feel love for them.
Most of the time it's innocent.
It's okay if they're married. I just send that love to their families.
It's harder when they're single and lonely.
That's typically when I run.
I didn't have an awareness of this until this morning.
I remembered.....
I remembered the prayer I used to say back in the day.....
the days I would see an ex under my window,
or feel him as I walked along a sidewalk on East Colfax,
or drive past his mother's house on the way to my in-laws home just a few blocks down the road.
The man I was married to did not want to deviate from his route. I would have preferred going a different way as I didn't like traveling past 64th on Reed on my way to 67th. Why couldn't we just take 72nd?
Yeah....sure....we lived on 20th and yes, it was a few blocks out of the way. It didn't trigger feelings that I shouldn't have.
He didn't understand.
It brought back too many memories. The worst one was a note which implied someone had taken a bunch of drugs. I showed the note to a public transit bus driver who drove me to the house on Reed and instructed me to call 911 if my friend couldn't be roused.
I can't drive that route without that memory.
It's not a happy one.
I avoid it to this very day.
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If I felt love for a forbidden man....
I would pray that my feelings would go to the person meant for him so that she would love him and keep him happy.
I just wanted to be free.
It worked for awhile.
Now.......I'm saying that prayer more and more.....not just for this guy......but for others....that I knew as a child.
It's a bit weird.
I have to ask myself.....why?
Why do I dream of these people?
Why do they flit in and out of my life?
Why do I think of them?
Why do I love them?
Maybe it's because I'm bored. I have time to think. When I have time to think I go back to my innate self, the person I truly am.
That person is a softie.
As my former sister-in-law used to say, I "care too much."
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Spells are rhyming prayers with candles.
Pagans typically write down our prayers.
We write them in what many of us call a Book of Shadows. It's a spell book that records every flipping spell we ever cast, so that we can keep track of things.
Every spell.....every prayer.....can change the course of a life.
To me, it's a lot like the concept of time travel in science fiction, we can unknowingly do something that will unravel what is yet to come. It's hard to remember what we do. It's hard to predict the ripple effect that it will have into the future.
It's a good idea to write everything down.
I've never done this. I've never had my own Book of Shadows. My friends would blame my Leo Moon.
Apparently, Leo moon people are cocky, arrogant and don't follow rules.
Maybe it's time for me to keep track of the stupid prayers I say.
So.....
I bought a Book of Shadows off of Amazon to keep track of my prayers.
Wanna see it?
It's going to be a boring read for my granddaughter. They'll be a lot of entries like this:
April 10th, 2017, prayed for the officer in Squad car 1728 as she sped down Peoria and Iliff.
What I don't want to see is....
April 10th, 2018, prayed for justice after officer in squad car 1728 shot an unarmed child.
I'd rather see....
April 10th, 2018, prayed for blessings (or healing) for officer in squad car 17 who saved child from dangerous situation.....
Without a book of shadows, I can't keep track of my prayers.
If I pray to save someone on one day, does it cause a ripple effect? Does the ripple effect hurt or help?
I don't know.
I should probably keep track of the crap I do.
I forgot all of those little black candles buried out in Watkins to keep myself from falling in love.
That was only remembered after reading a very, very old blog post about scary dreams where I'm with a guy who wasn't the one I was married to at the time.
So....
Now, I will soon have a Pagan prayer diary.
The first entry will be
04/04/2017 10:00 a.m. - (White Candle) May all the positive feelings I have for _____________, go to the person meant for him and that they find each other soon.
04/04/2017 11:11 a.m. - (Green Candle) May I find a job that will help me inspire others within the community while impacting the economy in a positive way.
The entries won't read like that;
For spells to hold, they must rhyme.
I'm off to take my ritual bath and get started meditating.
I'm insane.
Insane women must be alone .
I'm going to milk the hell out of my insanity and enjoy it.
Maybe I'm not insane.
It could be Alzheimer's......
Maybe?
I did drink a lot of diet soda in aluminum cans as a kid.
If that happens, at least I can forget to remember why I avoid feeling these feelings.
Love ya lots,
S.
