Damn Vertigo

La la la la la la la la (freakin' around)
La la la la la la la la (freakin' around)
La la la la la la la la (freakin' around)
La la la la la la la la (freakin' around)

Today I am thankful that I finally had a day off.....

I'd been working six weeks...solid.

I had the office job until the end of March.

I saw hypnosis clients each and every day - even on the weekends.

Crazy, eh?

The reason that I am thankful for not having to go anywhere is

that I have had vertigo

for 48 hours now.

I don't know exactly when it started.

After seeing my clients, I drove to my hometown...

there are stories....

stories of the homeless in a park near my childhood home.

The stories say that a homeless veteran lives in the park with the street dogs he adopted.

He hides too well. 

I couldn't find him. 

So......

I don't know.

It started with a headache....

then the world started spinning......

I ran off to get water.....

it didn't help.

I came home......

and I sit....

and I spin....

and not in any way that could be remotely fun. 

Darn it!

So.....

I don't know.

I could be out and about terrorizing politicians....

but I don't want to throw up on anyone.

***************************

'Cause I can't focus I can't stop
You got me spinning round 
Round, round, round (like a record)
I can't focus it's too hot (inside)
You'll never get to Heaven if you're scared of getting high

I don't know.

Maybe I'm allergic to my hometown?

I used to get sick when I visited years ago.

I used to blame the memories.  They made me cry.  My nose would get stuffy and I'd feel sick.

The actor in the memories gave me new ones.  So, they're not a problem now. 

I still get sick when I visit.

It turns out I'm allergic to the grass and the trees.  My hometown is nestled next to a mountain range.  The allergens get trapped in the valley.

That's what made me severely sick. 

Medicines used to help.

Maybe I need new meds.

I do have trouble breathing.

I let my inhaler Rx expire because I don't know how to use it. 

Maybe I should go to a doctor 

-or-

maybe I should move.

Moving?

That seems fun.

Maybe I should.....move....far away....to a desert.....someplace hot and desolate.

Hot desolation....that's the story of my life. 

The desert would be a fitting place for me. 

*****************

Count backwards, 5 4 3 2 1

Before you get too heated and turned

On,

You should have learned your lessons all them times before

You've been bruised you've been broken

Then there's my mind sayin' think before you go 

Through that door it could lead you nowhere

Has got you all romantic, crazy in your head

Do you think I'd listen, no I don't care

It dawned on me that the last time I got sick with vertigo, I was in my recording studio making hypnosis recordings about 15 hours a day.

I can't do a hypnosis recording without going into trance.

Maybe the vertigo is from being hypnotized so much?

I'll have to ask a mentor.

I know what they'll say. 

No. 

I've been doing hypnosis since I was eight years old.

It's hard to believe it began making me sick at 38. 

Yep, I got my first bout of vertigo when I was 38 and standing in my home town with someone trying to give me a better memory.....

someone who made me feel.....things I hadn't felt for years. 

I think vertigo was my subconscious cue to leave the situation. 

******************

'Cause I can't focus I can't stop

You got me spinning round

Round, round, round

I can't focus, it's too hot

You'll never get to Heaven if you're scared of getting high

Vertigo could also be an excuse.

I'm thinking it's my excuse not to visit with an old school chum.

I think he likes me. 

He checks in with me every single day.....

with hot innuendos.....

every......single.....day!

He wants an updated picture, not one from last year.

One from now..... so he knows me when he sees me at the market.....or when I drive my car down the street.

He lives just a few blocks away. 

He's got to know what I look like. 

Seriously, how many women in this town have red hair and hypnosis placards on their car?

I'd look a tad bit green if I snapped a picture now. 

Boy, boy
Let me keep freakin' around
I wanna get down
I'm a red blooded woman
What's the point in hanging round
Don't wanna keep turning it down, when this girl wants to rock with you.

Maybe I don't want to see him....because he may want to act out.....all those dirty jokes from the past thirty or so years.....

Or maybe....I will want to do that. 

I'm the real problem. 

I'm not ready for that kind of thing,

especially not during Venus Retrograde. 

If he were the one for me, why didn't I jump on him back in school?

If we didn't mesh then, why would we mesh now?

We wouldn't, would we?

I don't know....

I'm probably just terrified of what would happen if I were alone with any male friend.

My conscience saying
Get down off this dream
It's too dangerous and deadly (this guy)
Has got you talking round in circles can't you see
All for the sake of sexy (you're loving it)
Then there's my sense saying stop before you fall 
I don't wanna pick you up again (this guy)
Has got you all romantic
Crazier each day
Do you think I'd listen, There's no way

Is vertigo my excuse not to put myself out there?

Probably......

What do I do in these situations?

I set the guys up with other women.

Sigh......

I'm not me when I'm spinning. 

'Cause I can't focus I can't stop
You got me spinning round 
Round, round, round (like a record)
I can't focus it's too hot

You'll never get to Heaven if you're scared of getting high

This too, shall pass.

The only rockin' I need to be doing is with a guitar, so I'll dig one out. 

I never want to hurt again.

It's best to be alone. 

Some of us aren't made for heaven; we're made for the fire pits of Hades....

So.....

I don't know. 

********************

I have a master's in psychology

and I can't even figure myself out.

I was hoping writing about it would help me figure it out.

It didn't.

Well, maybe it did. 

It could be that the last attempt at a relationship was so hellish that I'll never, ever want to date again.

Maybe, I have to respect the guys I wind up with....

and if I respect them, I won't be with them because the last few relationships I had were horrid. 

I'm the common denominator.

So....

I know.....

Maybe.....some people have to be alone.

Maybe the vertigo protects me from getting hurt again.

Even better, maybe the vertigo protects others from getting hurt, too. 

If I know what I'm trying to avoid and I avoid it, perhaps the vertigo can stop now. 

I just need to find another job, another activist gig and make myself too busy....

to be hedonistic.

Sigh.....

May you find all the answers you seek in comforting and beautiful ways.

Love ya,

S.