Today I am thankful for well meaning witchy friends.
I think I finally understand the dirty dreams. It's probably my subconscious mind trying to figure out what love means to me.
Love is unconditional.
Love is there whether or not I'm alone or in a crowd.
To me, love doesn't mean owning someone or clinging on to them.
Love just is - whether or not the ones we love are with us.
That is what I've learned about myself over the past six months or so.
I am capable of love.
I'm not capable of having a love/sexual relationship.
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I learned last night that a witchy friend had her coven cast a love spell for me. These are spells where no one is named. The intention is to find someone who would be a good match for me.
They may have been concerned about my being alone.
Everywhere I went, I had puffy crying eyes. She said she wanted to cast a spell to ward off my stalker but she was too afraid of what would happen to the perp.
I guess she choose something more positive instead.
This spell was cast on Samhain (Halloween).
This could be the reason my dreams about men from my past have picked up steam.
Most of the dreams are about the first relationship. That is probably where my relationship train derailed.
No matter the dream, they each taught me that I run away from relationships.
In fact, I've discovered that I have a phobia of relationships.
I panic now at the slightest interest from a man.
I wasn't always this way.
I'm not sure exactly when that started.
In fact today, someone mentioned that public speaking was the everyone's greatest fear. In my head, I disagreed. I tried to imagine the worst speech I could ever possibly give
and then
I had the sick realization that I'd prefer to speak to a bunch of murderous government employees where I'm planning to gut their pay.....
than kiss a man.
That's a bit weird.
I'm realizing I have a full blown phobia.
It probably stems from being choked the last time I kissed somebody.
That's probably why I'm not keen on dating.
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I don't know exactly why I run away.
I probably ran away before I dated the last guy.
Maybe I'm not happy with my appearance.
Maybe I feel too old.
It could come down to my last relationship and my desire not to be ridiculed day in and day out.
I really don't want to date someone who plays relationshit games with me ever again. I don't want to be put in any more double binds.
The last guy would demand crazy stuff from me.
If I didn't do what he wanted, he'd run around on social media telling people that I didn't love him. He'd have our mutual friends contact me and express their concerns. Two of them were very cruel (one knew me years earlier from a business relationship...he brought up the fact that I never slept with him and called me a tease).
Ugh.......
If I gave in to him and did what he wanted, he'd ridicule me in public for not having self-respect. Again, his relatives or friends would contact me expressing their concerns. Sometimes they were not very nice about it.
I never want to live like that again.
Damned if you do.....damned if you don't.
I'd rather I didn't.
Besides...I never want to be stalked again, robbed again or beat again and put in the hospital.
I'm tired.
I think, for me, true love is a bass guitar, some oil pastels and a goldfish.
It could be that my attitude is fishy. I don't know.
If you care, they actually make Goldfish bass guitars,.
If you care, they actually make Goldfish bass guitars,.
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Maybe that's the result of the spell,
To put me in touch with the panic.
To tell me that I am whole all by myself.
I don't need a man.
The last guy basically told me that I had to be perfect to be loved.
Perfection isn't going to happen with me.
I'm fine with that.
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There is a lesson from the dreams of my first love. In all of the dreams where he is hitting on me, there are much prettier women standing near him and behind him. I tell him that all he has to do is turn around!
Oh, crap. That sounds like something I've actually said to him, a couple of times (I'm remembering a really pretty woman with a laptop making eyes at him in a coffee shop and urging him to say hello...he refused). I've even written it to him online, when he brought me up on Facebook in response to a hot chick asking what he was into. That was the day when I knew I was in his way. I've avoided him ever since. Maybe I shouldn't have? I don't know.
Darn it!!
I knew this all along!!!
My dreams are just repeating what I already intuitively know!
I know I'm not what he wants because he broke up with me, albeit thirty years ago. It didn't work out. I was lacking somehow. When he shows up, I feel strange because I don't know what he needs to hear. I know the truth. He needed someone better suited to him.
If I love someone, I'll want the very best for that person.
There are prettier women out there. There are thinner women out there. There are wealthier women out there. There are smarter, more talented and more expressive women than I.
I'm not the best catch in the world.
I want the best for the people I care about.
I know men tell me that they want someone who understands them -but- I'm not convinced that's all they need. Who is to say a hot thirty-something won't be able to understand you when given half the chance?
I'm thinking that they truly want someone younger, prettier, fitter, smarter......and on and on.
They need someone special.
I have had men tell me that they love me because I care. They can feel my compassion when I work with the homeless or the elderly. They say they love me for that.
It's puzzling to me why that would be.
My compassion doesn't mean I'll meet their unique needs. It takes time to develop a relationship and to grow.
You don't just hear someone's voice and fall in love. It doesn't work that way.
It takes time.
Yeah, I know there is a second lesson. If the actor in my dreams is a mirror for me.......
all I have to do is turn around to find guys, too.
Yes, I get hit on.
No, I don't think I can take anyone up on anything right now.
I'm too afraid.
I've got some guy from high school blowing kisses at me on social media. Our reunion is coming up.
I'm not going to go.
I can't.
He calls me a hottie. How does he know?
He hasn't seen me for at least ten years.
I may have looked nice thirty years ago. I may have looked nice ten years ago.
We grow and change. Who is to say I'm attractive now?
I don't have pictures on social media because of the stalking.
This guy does NOT know what I look like at all.
Why is he flirting?
Sigh.....
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After these dreams, I realize that some of us don't have another half. We are meant to be alone. We are more true to ourselves when we are alone.
I think people who are meant to be alone are blessed with a dysfunctional partner picker. We miss all the red flags. We end up in bizarre situations because we are far too patient and we don't send assholes packing sooner. We put up with a lot before we get angry.
Worse, we can't reason our way out of a dysfucktional relationship.
I love myself enough to stay away from potential dysfunction.
I wonder how much of the dysfunction I create in the relationship?
I should have stayed away the first time my ex-husband's family started stalking me in 1992!
I didn't. I broke up. I took him back and I kept putting up with it!
That's dysfunctional.
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I know that people will say that my last relationship triggered the wounds from my childhood. I was an orphan and not really wanted by my extended family.
I don't know. I think I moved past that. My family talks to me now. They seem to like the fact that I have a masters degree, that I am a rabble-rouser and I think they're proud on those rare occasions when they see me in the papers. They also take credit for the fact that I didn't turn out to be a drug addict or an alcoholic despite my crappy upbringing.
I think my attitude is due to my age. I think it is an evolutionary instinct to be alone if you're not intending on having kids. I tend to steer my male friends to dating young women so they have more options for their future.
I think his behavior makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Older women won't do those things easily.
I've chosen to be alone. Perhaps that spell has caused me to focus on the reasons for it so that I can be at peace with it.
This is probably not the result they intended for me to get from their love spell. I'm too old to have my love life fixed.
Even magick can't help me.
It is what it is.
Maybe I can find more love if I just love in a platonic fashion.
May you find all that your soul needs to be happy and feel loved.
Love ya,
S.
NEXT DAY EDIT: After writing this post, I've been more cognizant of flirting when it happens. I'm very uncomfortable with it. It makes me sad.
I get the impression that men think they have to make me smile.
I think I forgot how to smile. It's not their fault. They can't fix me. They're not responsible for my smiles or lack thereof.
A neighbor told me that people shouldn't mess with me because I'm a "badass."
Yeah, he was flirting.
I'm not a badass. I have a fat ass.
I'm just tired of bullshit. I think that kind of badassery just comes with age. Most people in my age range either become complacent or want to change things.
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Flirting shouldn't make me cry. It did today.
I feel broken.
Maybe I need to spend time doing things I want to do (e.g. play bass, draw, take a walk) rather than things I feel I need to do (e.g. research social issues and make meditation recordings).
Change takes time.
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I've decided that I just need the appearance of unavailability.
I'm not sure the stalking is done. I still get a lot of hang up calls. I answer. There is silence on the line, breathing and then the person hangs up.
Whenever I post to Facebook, I get friend requests from people with no friends. If I delete the request, another one pops back up. It's just easier NOT to post anything online.
I've decided to wear a fake engagement ring and stay away from social media.
That should fix the problem.
Cheers!
Love ya,
S.