Today I am thankful for flights of fancy.
At least I think that is what I'm experiencing.
So.....
my internet went down.
That means that I was not distracted by the internet.
This gave me free time to think....
I wasn't really thinking,
so much as daydreaming.
******
The first step in changing one's life is imagining what one's life would be like if needed changes were made.
I've spent the past five years chasing jobs that pay enough to raise kids without child support.
I've gone to insane lengths to do this.
I'm licensed as an insurance agent in 37 states.
I'm certified in various forms of psychotherapy.
Because I want to get decent health insurance on the kids, I was trying to get on to my favorite health insurance company hailing from California.
I used to sell Medicare plans for them. They moved their sales department to Florida and laid me off. I went to sell for a competitor who asked me to break a lot of laws.
In essence, they wanted me to churn plans.
I wound up in an emergency room with high blood pressure and heart palpitations (we're thinking it was due to an allergic reaction). In the emergency room, while going in and out of altered states of consciousness, I fantasized about working for my favorite company.
An older woman was in the emergency room ruminating over the crappy Medicare plan she bought from my then employer. I recommended my favorite company.
I actually imagined myself working there.
My phone rang.
I didn't answer because I didn't want to spook the caller with the sounds of the heart beat monitors behind me.....
this person was a recruiter for my favorite healthcare company.
I don't know what prompted this person to call me. It worked out beautifully. I was hired.
I've been temping with my favorite health care company for six months. My understanding is that they would have to let me go before the end of June. I'm planning my exit for June 29th.
I've talked to several people trying to beat alcoholism while answering phones for this company. They've inspired me to get back into counseling.
I let go of my private practice when my ex-husband's family started stalking me at the office. I need to go back and get re-certified. I need to take all of the drug and alcohol classes again.
The starting pay in this field is only $15 an hour (sometimes less).
As a hypnotist, I can make $150.00 an hour - the only problem with this is that there are no benefits and it can be hard to get more than a handful of full pay clients per week.
I'm trying to do both jobs: One job to feed the kids and the other to feed my soul.
********
I've enrolled in the alcohol addiction counseling classes. I start in two weeks.
I called the recruiter to explain that I'm planning on leaving when the contract expires. He told me that the company wants to keep me on.
Hmmm....they certainly will pay me more than $15 an hour. The work doesn't quite feed my soul.
Two hours later, I received an interview request for another insurance company that wants to pay me $19 an hour to start.
I don't know what to do.
Do I do what feeds my kids?
Do I do what feeds my soul?
Can I finagle a way to do both?
I'm realizing that I'm having an internal conversation that most people have early in their lives.
When I was a kid, I decided on doing what fed my soul.
Then the stalking started and I gave up who I was out of fear.
Fear ruins lives.
Fear keeps us from being who we truly are.
When we stop being ourselves, it leads to depression.
*****
I'm getting older.
I've gained weight.
I'm wearing ugly clothes.
I love high heel shoes and dresses.
I haven't really worn dresses since 2013 or so (some guy grabbed me and made a mess on my leg).
I started eating real food. I'm a vitamin junky. I just don't feel right when I eat food (because I'm allergic to most of it).
Last week, I stopped eating three squares and went back to eating my usual fare (protein powder, tea and vitamins.....I feel better).
Maybe the problem is that I'm not me.
I've become a stranger to myself.
The question then becomes who am I?
I ask myself, what makes me happy.
What puts a spring in my step?
What makes me smile?
All I can think about is wearing my dresses, letting my curly hair fly free, wearing a little bit of make-up, dancing around and playing my bass.
I'm also spending a lot of time thinking about my former hypnosis clients and how great it felt when they changed their lives. I smile when I think about the woman who was afraid of commitment and spent her life flitting from job to job and town to town. On the fourth session, she committed to buying a house and started a relationship. She said that she hadn't made any progress towards committing to anything.
I wonder if she realized her progress yet?
That made me happy.
Maybe....that's me.
I don't know.
So, maybe I'll let go of the hair relaxers....
wash the dresses....
tune up my one remaining bass (this is embarrassing, that thing has residence under my bed....yeah...first loves never quite go away....I literally sleep on top of= the darn thing).
Where did that last line come from?
Well....
um.....
my phone has been acting up. I received a Google Hangout invite from my second love this afternoon (first human love....my first love was my Peavey T40 my dad gave me).
When I clicked on the Google Hangout.....the date was July 6th!!! I have no clue what year.
So now.....my memories are of him....and my wondering what I did to annoy him....or if I hurt him.... if the universe can forgive me....if I am ever truly cut out to try to love another human being ever again.
I was sad and wanted a distraction so I made a bargain with the internet Gods: If my internet just so happened to come online in the next minute, I'd reach out to the guy and check in.
At the moment, I realized it was dumb, rude and unfair to reach out to someone that I truly hope is happily married by now (a lot of things can change in a few years....right?).
That's when the internet kicked in!
Well....I'm not going to destroy another human being's night because I'm insane.....
So....
I'm off to do my Friday rituals to Aphrodite. I'll say a prayer for the guy and pray he's living the dream.
I guess that's a form of checking in.
Friday is also my day to honor Dionysus.
I'll play around with my guitar.....maybe the memories will lead to some kind of creative distraction.
If I load something new to Vimeo, the bittersweet memories will be worth it.
Perhaps....if I can do what I like to do, I won't annoy any more politicians in my town (unless they violate my fourth amendment rights again....seriously....they need to knock that crap off...I guess I could paint the memory and write a song to immortalize the crap.....).
Enough of the fanciful thought stream.
I'll leave you with this.....
may all of your memories be sweet....
may all your dreams come true.....
I'm off to drink my ceremonial wine and surround myself in roses.
I wish that you find work that feeds your soul and your wallet.
Love ya,
S.