Today I am thankful for realizing why I am tired and uninspired all the time.
Well.....
over the past four or five years, I've been trying to do the regular 9-5 thing.
I've never been good about holding down a 9-5.
In this economy, I usually work ten hour days.
The work I do is in call centers. If I'm not on the floor taking calls, I'm training the agents.
If I had a dollar for every customer who tells me that I
"have a beautiful voice"......
"excellent articulation"......
and that I
"should make meditation recordings"......
I'd have a hefty pay raise.
I actually had a former vocal teacher call in and ask if I were a professional recording artist.
Apparently, I use the microphone in a way where one doesn't hear the pops when one says words that start with "p" or "t".
I lied and said that I wasn't.
*****
I'm working as a temp for my favorite company.
They have a rating system based on our QA scores and I currently rank as #1 out of 89 agents.
As a result, they've given me more hours than many of the more seasoned agents. This has caused a tad bit of a stir.
I feel horrible about it. There are people with families counting on those hours. These people don't have other jobs.
As a small business owner, I could probably survive without the job.
A QA score is what one gets after the people who listen to the recorded calls grade them.
I've been lucky enough to have a few 100% scores.
I'm not so sure that I'm good at my job. I'm just lucky that the scorers found good calls.
*****
My small business is on hold.
The recording studio in my bedroom is getting dusty.
I am tired all the time.
I thought that working a 9-5 would help me get health insurance on the kiddos. I don't want them on Medicaid. Their father refuses to work so I have to do what I can to pick up the slack.
I actually became licensed in health insurance in 37 states thinking I could get a job offering health insurance.
It didn't work out that way.
The temp job is at a company that I formerly QA'd and trained sales agents for a third party vendor representing them. I used to sit in on meetings with executives for this company. I know how they want their calls handled.
Sigh....
I'm debating sending 37 letters to 37 licensing boards to relinquish my licenses.
I don't want to peddle insurance any longer.
I took the jobs to clean up after my ex. I took the jobs to try to make him happy. He promised to leave me alone if I got a 9-5. I guess he's behaving himself now....
I'm unhappy.
All I do is sleep.
I've gained 40 or more pounds. It is hard to spend hours tethered to a phone.
I hate it.
*****
For the first time in ten years, I went to the grocery store without makeup.
There was flirting. I was on my hands and knees, digging for daughter's favorite iced tea when a man my age got right down there with me and started asking my opinion on other flavors.
Um....I told him they were all good......and
I ran away.
When I kept running into him, I hid in the bathroom.
I don't know why.
Maybe he was worried for my mental health because normal people don't shop on their hands and knees.
Or maybe he was reading my mind. When I caught him watching me, the first thought I had was....well....that I was in a compromising position.
It could be that I left the house in one of those cheap magic bras. I usually wear padded ones because I'm always cold....they hide the evidence.
I had to wear a pink jean jacket to hide the impact of the air conditioning. Perhaps....it didn't conceal as much as I thought.
Men don't usually look at me like that.....at least not anymore.
I don't know.
As I walked out of the store, I saw someone carrying a shopping bag for Micro-Center and immediately felt inspired.
Micro-Center is a computer store. I like going in there for equipment to help my computer do a better job of recording my vocals.
I can't leave that place without a ton of ideas to upload.
Call center work barely inspires me. There are the occasional people threatening suicide who I can convince to talk to a nurse - they inspire me.
For the most part, I use my hypnotic and sales skills to lessen the irritation of angry customers.
I'm working too many long days.
I haven't had time to visit my office in two months.
I miss hypnotizing people.
If working for others isn't going to net the kiddos health insurance, there really is no point in it. I need to make money in a manner that makes me comfortable.
I'm sending out counseling resumes. If I can work 2,000 hours in addiction counseling, I can start the path towards licensure.
Call center work is just far too demeaning.
I don't want to do it any more, especially at low wages and without health insurance.
I should relinquish those hours for someone else.
******
I have faith that the perfect opportunity will present itself.
If I am supposed to be in a relationship, I'm sure I'll eventually meet someone who will wear me down to a point where I won't want to hide out in the bathroom.
The first step is to stop trying to do what my ex and the system expect me to do. The only reason I hunted for those jobs was to get benefits that my ex was supposed to be providing and didn't.
The benefits are not happening.
There really is no point in it, is there?
Part of the reason I work in call centers is that the security tends to be very high. The jobs are anonymous and it was hard, if not impossible, for my ex's family to bother me at those jobs.
When I worked in the public eye, it often led to harassment.
Call centers are anonymous.
I can't afford to keep doing it.
My thoughts are turning to ways I can work with the public without drawing attention to myself.
That's going to be a trick.
*****
Do the work that inspires you.
Do work that makes you want to wake up in the morning.
Heck....do work that you'd love to stay up into the morning doing.
That is where you'll make the most impact.
I'm off to dust my recording studio.
Love ya,
S.