(If his marriage belonged to his mother and sister, is this their break-up, too?)
Today I am thankful for meditation.
Today he told me that he wanted me as a mother figure.
He said a lot of other creepy things, too.
Narcissists do that to hook you into putting up with them.
They also change history.
Yeah....he now says no one ever diagnosed him with NPD. Uh, huh....and no one ever diagnosed him with Intermittant Explosive Disorder either!
I know...I remember....I lived those rage storms!!!
*****
I need to move.
I may have to move.
When I told him that I don't feel safe here, he demanded that I sell the house.
I don't think I can afford to pay the house payment, so I offered it to him if he would take custody of the girls. I don't want them to have to move. They need security. They need their friends. They need their teachers.
They need to stay in this neighborhood!
I guess that means that I'll fight for the house, child support, and alimony. I was trying to cut him a deal. The house does have $46K worth of equity (after the market fell...we had $70K in 2007).
Hmmmmmm......so, is that why his family is tormenting me here? Is he right when he says they are trying to run me out of the house?
I'm confused.
*****
He wants me to be his mommy? That thought makes me a little sick.
I'm still washing his underwear. I'm still cooking for him. I'm still doing the shopping.
I'm his mommy, huh?
*****
I spent some time in meditation today. I thought about what it must be like to be raised by a narcissistic parent with an alcoholic husband. He had to be perfect. He had to read his mother's mind. He had to guess about what she wanted or she'd shame the heck out of him.
He has to be the perfect man.
If I dare express that a need of mine has not been met, he'll fly into a rage.
Expressing a need means that he is not perfect.
I don't talk to him about what I need. When I was in the hospital and asked for pain relief, he flew into a rage.
I can't deal with him at all.
*****
Somewhere along the line, our roles switched. I became the mother figure. His mother became his psycho-emotional lover. This does explain the porn to me. I don't want to go into it but it does explain why he needed to view porn after talking to her on the phone. He had the emotional release and needed a sexual one.
It was bizarre. They would talk even when he claimed to be estranged from her. Why lie?
Even on Valentine's Day, his mother called and asked "her little man" to come live with her!
This year!!
In 1999, I was told that my job was to bear children, divorce, and let him and kids move in with her so they "could be a family again."
I pondered this during my meditation.
*****
He said that his mother and sister always solved his problems for him.
He also said that he often allowed his sister to stand in for him when making family decisions.
She overrode the things he wanted for his own wedding.
I'm Pagan. He's Pagan.
His mother is a Catholic and she wanted us to have a Christian wedding so that is what he chose for us!
His sister, though, was the one who threatened him if he did not comply with his mother's wishes.
I feel sick now.
That explains why all of our wedding plans changed at the last minute. He told me that his sister threatened to ruin the wedding if everything wasn't changed.
Why did it take him two decades to tell me?
In 2001, his sister called me and said that I had married her.
I guess, in that weird little sick world, I married all of them!
I realize now that they were so enmeshed that his sister stands in for him.
She makes decisions for him.
She probably stalks me for him.
This is probably why she has a key to the house.
He claims she broke in with a bump key.
I'm beginning to believe he gave her a key.
I'm sad.
*****
My ex has been sulking and fussy.
It's obvious that he's never going to have anything nice. He's always going to defer to what his mother and sister want.
I decided that the only way to solve the transportation crisis would be to give him the mini-van that I paid for with my student loan money. He'll never value himself enough to take care of his own needs. He'll never value himself enough to solve his own problems.
I'll solve this one for him.
I'll buy myself another car.
*****
She'd protest if I bought her something expensive but this....this was meant for her!
I never came to see her. I've been sad and don't want to share my bad mood with her .
Her sister called me today. The aunt that likes to garden hurt her back and needs surgery. Degenerative disk disease runs in our family.
This aunt called me and oferred by help me buy an old used car that I can drive until I get on my feet. I have to pay her back and help her and the aunt needing surgery with yard work.
Yard work is good exercise.
I'll do it!
That must've been synchronicity.
I can't drive her around if I don't have a car.
Okay.....I'll do my best.
*****
I did ask my ex if I could move out and he doesn't want me to do that.
I asked him if he wanted to hurry up and move out and he indicated that he would be out soon.
We'll see how it goes.
He's gonna need the van to do that.
Let's see how it goes.
These transitions are brutal!
Love ya,
S.
