Today I am thankful for love and friendship.
I am confused...but thankful.
I have a friend, who I'm pretty sure has become my best friend.
I love my friend.
The way he smiles at me when he thinks that I am not looking gives away the fact that he knows.
I think he's known all along.
It's been more than two and a half years since I saw him glowing in a coffee shop one Thursday afternoon.
He looked up. He smiled. He brightened up the room.
I can only describe it as glowing.
No, we are not near a nuclear power plant.
Two years ago, he gave a speech and the way he looked at me made another friend of mine ask if we were 'an item.'
No. We're just friends.
I have stuff I need to take care of before inviting anyone into my life in that manner.
*****
The past two years have been depressing and scary.
The stalking has picked up.
My money went missing.
My business had to be put on hiatus.
I gained thirty pounds.
Gasp!!!
My friend treats me like I'm a human being....still.
Since he told me he loved me and expressed concern over my well-being;
I've spoken to the police and put together a plan to stop the stalking.
I restarted my business.
I got a better office at half the cost of the old one.
I lost twenty pounds.
I feel alive.
One of our mutual lawyer friends is helping me get through the divorce.
When the stalking picks up, I'll consider caving into my ex and ending the divorce. Our lawyer friend will talk me out of giving up.
It seems like the more I talk to my friend, the more things change in my life.
I hope good things are happening for him, too.
He'll tell me about his educational and career advancements.
He's pretty sharp, so those things are bound to happen for him.
I try to encourage him to be more of who he truly is but I doubt my words or encouragement has any impact.
He expresses a wish to do something.
Then he does it.
That's the way life ought to be.
He accepts me for who I am and that, on some basic level, is incredibly liberating.
It helps me feel beautiful.
*****
On Wednesday, my ex sat in court telling me that we had to divorce.
It was inevitable.
It had to happen, the sooner the better.
I believed him.
The magistrate believed him.
We have 29 days to come to an agreement and get the documents signed, notarized, sealed, and delivered.
Then it is over.
This twenty-two year nightmare will finally be over
-or- so I thought.
Today....my ex called to ask me if I knew he loved me.
My answer was 'no.'
I don't believe that he loves me.
Then it got weird......
He wants to put an end to the stalking.
He wants to stay married.
Then he promised to take the kids to a movie and asked me to come along.
I feel guilty about it
-but-
I stayed home.
I'm not sleeping well at night.
I'm exhausted and unable to breathe.
I'm off to bed to get some sleep.