Today I am thankful for fibromyalgia attacks; they help me see when I need to make changes.
In 1994, I went on a hike in Golden, Colorado. I was bit by a tick.
The next day, I could not move a muscle. The doctors swore up and down that it was not Lyme disease.
They swore I had an auto-immune disorder.
In 1999, the diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.
I don't believe the doctors.
I learned hypnosis when I was a kid. Hypnosis keeps the pain away.
Until now....the pain was bearable.
Now it is so bad that I'm not sleeping.
I started taking sleeping pills and Aleve.
I wake up black and blue the next day.
My entire leg will be bruised.
It doesn't make a dent in the pain.
Today, my ex wanted to pal around with me.
I took him to the grocery store to buy him a soda.
He started to talk about seeing me naked.
That was my fault.
I bought a loose fitting outfit today and shimmied out of my tight clothes in the back of the mini-van.
Maybe he saw a little too much as I switched out my clothes.
He said he saw my breasts and my legs.
He said I was still beautiful.
He said he wanted me.
I immediately found that I couldn't walk.
It wasn't sexual arousal.
It was pain.
My legs started to hurt.
My knees throbbed.
My ankles hurt.
Then my shoulders and my arms hurt to move.
My head began to throb.
That, at once, I couldn't breathe.
I was having a panic attack.
Then my ex hugged me.
I nearly fainted!
I caught my breath and we went home.
On the forty-five minute trip home he told me that he loved me.
He said he desired me.
I reminded him that I slept alone for well over seven years.
We haven't acted like a married couple in thirteen years!!
Marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship:
I want a partner to share my life and my bed with.
He said he had to divorce me to stop the stalking.
He walked out on me in 2000 due to lies his mother told him about me.
She said I threatened her.
He left me.
He's done this numerous times since.
The stalking has nothing to do with the reason we don't sleep together.
His inability to communicate with me or trust me or whatever it is that causes him to put his loyalty to me beneath his mother is why we don't have a marriage.
I started to cry.
I want a partner.
A friend that I love dearly offered me everything I wanted and I turned him down.
I'm still paying for that.
I can barely walk.
I took more Aleve.
I will be black and blue tomorrow.
I do fear someone blaming my ex for my bruises.
He isn't hitting me.
It's the medication.
It causes anemia.
I'll try to sleep tonight.
I'm in a lot of physical and mental pain.
I don't want the house. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want the life that is being thrust upon me.
I can't get my ex to listen.
He says that he has to divorce me to stop the stalking.
He says that he has to give me everything to stop the stalking.
That makes no sense.
If his sister is stalking me, how does asking me to live in this house keep me safe?
It would make more sense for him to live here.
He continues to say that she's breaking into the house without his help.
I can't fathom how she knows when he is not home.
I can't fathom how she knows when I am not home.
Our schedules are not static.
He has to be telling her what we are doing.
There is no other way.
I don't understand how he can lie to me about the stalking with a straight face.
His story doesn't mesh.
When I tell him that I need to move out to feel safe, he starts to panic.
So, I'll probably end up staying until Aug. 26th (the day of our divorce hearing).
The magistrate has already threatened to throw out the divorce due to our lack of submitting the paperwork. I don't know how to come to an agreement when I can't get him to communicate with me.
I can't do this much longer.
Maybe if I go out and screw someone.....maybe then I'll be soiled and he'll let me go?
I don't know.
I don't think I could bring myself to do that.
I'm too tired to discuss it now.
I'll cry myself to sleep and wonder how I let things go so far.
Love ya,
S.