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My Limits


 
Today I am thankful that I know my limits. 

One of my neighbor's homes caught fire around 11:00 this morning.  

It exploded.  

I was horrified for the elderly couple directly across the street.  

It looked like the flames had licked their house. 

Thank goodness they weren't home.  

The elderly neighbor next door sprinted to the next block.  He found the owner of the house with his arms on fire and somehow knew how to douse the flames.  He had other homeowners arm their garden hoses and water the trees so they wouldn't catch fire.  He evacuated the homes near the flames. 

He did all this before the first firetruck arrived. 

This guy has one lung.  

He can barely breathe.  

He still has every one's back.  

It took two hours for the cops, firefighters, and press to clear out.  

I drove by the home.  

It was next to a house with a family consisting of a single father and three boys.  

The house on the other side has a rather large Latino family, too.  

I met them when I started our original neighborhood watch.  

I never met this homeowner.  

I guess I should.  

I wasn't sure which house exploded and didn't want to trip on the first respondents.  

I stayed home and fretted, worried that the house belonged to one of the families with children.  

The heroic elderly neighbor assured me that it wasn't.  

He was right.  

It didn't settle my stomach though.  

I wanted to spend the day with my friend at a Celtic heritage fair.  

My ex was hounding me about the car.  

He tried to make me feel guilty for filing for a divorce.  

He wanted to rebuild the deck.  

He wanted to replace the fence.  

He had all of these projects in mind for the house.  

I asked him if he wanted the house.  

He said "no." 

Well, then....the condition of the deck and fence no longer concerned him....  

unless he expected me to call off the divorce and stay married to him.  

There would never be sex. 

I don't trust him.  

I want it over.  

That caused a fight.  

I felt the vomit rise in my body.  

I left to see my friend.  

I thought about my horrible day on the forty minute trip.  

I became sicker and sicker. 

I regretted not filing the paperwork to change my name back. 

I thought about my sister-in-law b!tching that she was the only person with our last name allowed to succeed.  

I thought about her threat that she and her brother would ruin any project I took on.  

I should have changed my name. 

May name makes it easier for her to find me and harass me. 

I should have changed it in the divorce. 

That realization made my stomach hurt even more. 

My face turned bright red.  

I couldn't hold it in anymore. 

I finally had to pull over and run into a public restroom.  

I became physically sick from the stress.  

I don't want to go into detail.  

I couldn't handle it any more.  

All day....as much as I love my friend....all I could think about is how I've reached my limit.

When I get stressed out, it takes awhile until I hit my limit.  That is the point where I don't care anymore.

If you steal all my money,
If you put a GPS tracker on my car,
If you break my locks,
If you threaten me,
If you expect me to stay or leave,
If you want to harass me....

I will get to the point I won't care anymore; I'll just surrender to life and let it happen to me.

If I find love, I will...
If not, I won't.

Today I couldn't entertain thoughts of love.  I can't find love when my mouth still tastes like vomit masked by peppermint chewing gum.

Kissing is out of the question until I gargle a gallon of mouthwash laced with h202. .

Still.....

I'm not sure I'm well enough to be good enough for anyone.  

How do I know I'm not crazy? 

How do I know that I'm not a narcissist? 

How can I hang out near food when stress makes me blow [censored]? 

The smell of a street fair didn't set well with my nervous stomach.  

I still feel ill.  

I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight.  

Maybe I'll run off to Tibet....or something.  

If the flippin' city officials would leave me alone, I may have time to plan a trip out of Dodge this fall so they can ask for all the money their little greedy black hearts desire.  

If they want to piss me off, I guess I could curse their latest tax hike scheme.  

It is best to simply leave me alone right now.  

Angry witches are not as much fun as loving ones.  

Love ya, 

S. 




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