Today I am thankful for dreams; for they are the reinforcement of the thoughts I deny myself during the day.
You can learn a lot from your dreams.
You realize what you want.
You realize who you love.
You realize what you fear.
You realize what you need.
Yesterday, I had the worst sense of deja vu.
I don't want to talk about it.
I re-lived a scene from a dream.
I saw my friend stand next to me and it hit me.
He's the only person in my world who helps me make sense of the things I don't understand.
I realized I needed him.
At that moment, I became afraid.
If I need someone, then I fear that dynamic. Will that lead to crazy crap? Co-dependency? Or could it lead to growth? Happiness? Joy?
I haven't pinpointed what exactly I fear.
He asked me to tell him how he makes me feel. I can't describe it. I can try but I'll fail to explain it in its entirety.
With him, I feel understood and accepted. I feel safe. No other man makes me feel safe. After what I've been through, I'm terrified of relationships.
I'm afraid other men will hit me.
My only fear with my friend, is that he'll get hurt somehow.
In fact, I dream of holding him.
When I dream of other men, even men I've never met, they're always beating me up.
I can't help but cry when those dreams wake me up and I'm in my bed all alone.
The day he declared his love for me, he asked me what I needed.
I never answered him.
I'm not sure I know what I need.
I mean, I need to do things for myself to heal and make myself worthy of someone like him. I need a real job so I can pull my weight in a relationship. I need to get over my fear of sex. Yesterday, when another friend propositioned me, I realized that I'm terrified of sex . It's been too long.
My girlfriends pointed that out already and told me pot or wine could fix it.
But...the sex thing is fixable. The job thing is fixable.
Putting demands on a another human being isn't fixable. It isn't right. It changes things. It may change him.
What do I need?
I don't want to be hit. I don't want things broken in anger. I don't want to be yelled at in public. I don't want to be stalked. I don't want to be harassed. I don't want to be ripped off of thousands of dollars. I want to be clued into decisions about money I earn. I want to be allowed to go to church.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to cook for, to hike with, to hold. I don't mind doing laundry because the smell of the soap makes me happy (OCD alert). I want someone who will give me space to decompress when I get overwhelmed at all the stuff I do. I want someone I can talk with. I want to be a helpmate. I want to try new things. I want to be heard, respected, and loved for who I am.
I don't have these things now.
I guess I have someone to talk to but I don't feel right doing that. I mean, if I have the choice between bitching about my life or talking about what he wants, I'd rather talk about what he wants.
I think I'm too ugly to be in an intimate relationship. I'm not sure where that is coming from but it is there.
I need to fix that.
When I was at my heaviest, he fell in love with me. Maybe he doesn't care what I look like. I lost 15 pounds and he didn't notice. It's cute. That makes me feel loved.
I feel like a bitch because I don't know how to open up to him. I'm an introvert and it's hard for me to open up in public places. I have be comfortable. There can't be a lot of hustle and bustle around me.
We don't meet in private places. My car is too disgusting to sit in for any length of time. I can't tolerate the smell. So...
Mike confirmed that a divorce has to happen. He can't fix the stalking issue.
He wants me to take over the house payments and take responsibility for the children. I need a job in order to make it happen.
I haven't worked for an employer in over 15 years! This may be a challenge.
So...that is my focus.
How does one get from point A to point B?
If I could solve the money issue, things would be different.
When does one relationship end and the other begin?
Am I being to prudent?
Too cautious?
The emotional, sexual, and intimate relationship with my ex is a distant memory. It's about property division and allocation of responsibilities now. I have to take most of the responsibility.
This is where I am stuck.
I guess I'll pray about it a little longer.
Could there be a reason I haven't been able to repair my mess?
Maybe my friend is meant for someone else. Maybe my job is just to give him enough confidence to find his lady love.
I don't know.
We'll see.
Love ya,
S.
I re-lived a scene from a dream.
I saw my friend stand next to me and it hit me.
He's the only person in my world who helps me make sense of the things I don't understand.
I realized I needed him.
At that moment, I became afraid.
If I need someone, then I fear that dynamic. Will that lead to crazy crap? Co-dependency? Or could it lead to growth? Happiness? Joy?
I haven't pinpointed what exactly I fear.
He asked me to tell him how he makes me feel. I can't describe it. I can try but I'll fail to explain it in its entirety.
With him, I feel understood and accepted. I feel safe. No other man makes me feel safe. After what I've been through, I'm terrified of relationships.
I'm afraid other men will hit me.
My only fear with my friend, is that he'll get hurt somehow.
In fact, I dream of holding him.
When I dream of other men, even men I've never met, they're always beating me up.
I can't help but cry when those dreams wake me up and I'm in my bed all alone.
The day he declared his love for me, he asked me what I needed.
I never answered him.
I'm not sure I know what I need.
I mean, I need to do things for myself to heal and make myself worthy of someone like him. I need a real job so I can pull my weight in a relationship. I need to get over my fear of sex. Yesterday, when another friend propositioned me, I realized that I'm terrified of sex . It's been too long.
My girlfriends pointed that out already and told me pot or wine could fix it.
But...the sex thing is fixable. The job thing is fixable.
Putting demands on a another human being isn't fixable. It isn't right. It changes things. It may change him.
What do I need?
I don't want to be hit. I don't want things broken in anger. I don't want to be yelled at in public. I don't want to be stalked. I don't want to be harassed. I don't want to be ripped off of thousands of dollars. I want to be clued into decisions about money I earn. I want to be allowed to go to church.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to cook for, to hike with, to hold. I don't mind doing laundry because the smell of the soap makes me happy (OCD alert). I want someone who will give me space to decompress when I get overwhelmed at all the stuff I do. I want someone I can talk with. I want to be a helpmate. I want to try new things. I want to be heard, respected, and loved for who I am.
I don't have these things now.
I guess I have someone to talk to but I don't feel right doing that. I mean, if I have the choice between bitching about my life or talking about what he wants, I'd rather talk about what he wants.
I think I'm too ugly to be in an intimate relationship. I'm not sure where that is coming from but it is there.
I need to fix that.
When I was at my heaviest, he fell in love with me. Maybe he doesn't care what I look like. I lost 15 pounds and he didn't notice. It's cute. That makes me feel loved.
I feel like a bitch because I don't know how to open up to him. I'm an introvert and it's hard for me to open up in public places. I have be comfortable. There can't be a lot of hustle and bustle around me.
We don't meet in private places. My car is too disgusting to sit in for any length of time. I can't tolerate the smell. So...
Mike confirmed that a divorce has to happen. He can't fix the stalking issue.
He wants me to take over the house payments and take responsibility for the children. I need a job in order to make it happen.
I haven't worked for an employer in over 15 years! This may be a challenge.
So...that is my focus.
How does one get from point A to point B?
If I could solve the money issue, things would be different.
When does one relationship end and the other begin?
Am I being to prudent?
Too cautious?
The emotional, sexual, and intimate relationship with my ex is a distant memory. It's about property division and allocation of responsibilities now. I have to take most of the responsibility.
This is where I am stuck.
I guess I'll pray about it a little longer.
Could there be a reason I haven't been able to repair my mess?
Maybe my friend is meant for someone else. Maybe my job is just to give him enough confidence to find his lady love.
I don't know.
We'll see.
Love ya,
S.